u/Square_Discount_7167

⚠️ self-harm implied ⚠️

Honestly this is entirely my fault and I'm aware of it, just because I didn't know how to reply and started to ignore

This happened because I didn't chat with my grandma's btw

Now my mom had to raise her voice at me to make me reply to my grandma's because oh fucking hell, they put the blame on my mom just because I didn't respond, this evening my auntie had to tell me a text from my grandma just right Infront of my mother, and now this made my mother pissed at me

Reminding me that my grandma will think or say to my mom "oh you're teaching your daughter to not go to (city name) and to ignore us!" FUCKING HELL TO THISE GRANDMAS I SWEAR, ITS MY FAULT NOT MY MOM'S, AND NOW THEY MADE MY MOM SHOW HER FRUSTRATION TO ME BECAUSE SHES ALREADY SUFFERING

"You're always on the phone and yet you still don't reply to your grandma?!" Yes.. sorry.

oh "poor" me, stupid me, had to take it all so serious just because mom had to remind me again to reply and show that with anger and frustration, what the hell did that make me do? >!Hurting my wrist with a scissor..!< I tried to fight back but oohh my stupid feelings and emotions had to do the best of me, I hate myself for that, and once my mom came close again to repeat it, she noticed.. this made her even mad, and now that made me hate myself more for the self harm.. while mom assumed that it was the 2nd time I've done this, this was more than that and no one notices (except my friends, which I'm sorry that hey had to see this behavior from me), making me feel guilt like "instead of saving money for your college do you want me to spend it all for a psychiatrist??" ... No. I'm aware.. I think my mental health is not that important anyways but I guess I've bottled up my emotions for how long, lucky for you mom, you get to vent to me but I know the moment I try to vent to you or dad, it won't be taken seriously. I'd have to write myself some notes just to let it out

All this shit for angry talk, why do I always take things to the heart just because of tones like that.. I hate this type of behavior from myself but oh I don't even know anymore, easily crying as well... Idk idk idk idk idk I'm already nearly 18 and I still act like this whenever I have to listen to those types of tones and just for me to understand but no, I know something is wrong with me but it's too late now..

..... I'd rather still try to lend myself a hand at this point, I really just don't know anymore with all this, it's gonna last for a bit, I'll just forget it again and act like nothing happened as always, but once that angry tone of voice comes back to "remind me" and possibly trigger me to.... **Do something** (I still try to fight that intension..)

..... I'll be okay soon, I'll be okay again, it's this stupid negative feeling that takes over me whenever something like that happens.. angry voices.

.... Have a good day/night.