u/Starlight_417

I'm posting this from my alt account.
Even though it's been 8–9 months, I still think about her. I still get the urge to talk to her. Even though I know what she did to me, I still have anger toward her. I want to move on, but I just can't. I'll give a brief summary of what happened. (By the way, I have genuinely healthy relationships, close friends, and a spouse who loves me. I'm not alone.) I just don't understand why someone I was only friends with for six months had such a huge impact on me.
She once told me that she was a sadist, that she wanted to hurt people, and that she wanted to get rid of those thoughts but simply couldn't. She had even gone to a psychiatrist because of it. Even while we were friends, she would sometimes treat me badly and let her sadistic side show. I always tried to help her.
However, there are things I absolutely cannot tolerate in relationships: being lied to, being ignored, and people not keeping their promises. She didn't keep some of the promises she made to me, and when I told her that I was hurt, she reacted very aggressively. After that, there were times when she ignored me. The first time, I warned her. The second time, I warned her again. The third time, I gave her some time, and then I made my decision.
I decided to end the friendship. (I've ended unhealthy friendships before and never looked back. I thought it would be the same this time, but it wasn't. I still think about her.)
When I ended the friendship, she surprised me. She responded maturely, saying that she had actually been in the hospital, that she had personal issues, and that was why she couldn't reply. I felt guilty.
A few days later, I messaged her because I wondered how she was doing. She ignored me again.
I continued to message her occasionally (about unrelated things). Eventually, she replied in such an aggressive way that I couldn't believe it. It was as if we had never been friends and had always been enemies.
The next day, I apologized, hoping we could fix things, but the exact opposite happened. She insulted me relentlessly. She said my apology was fake, that I was a terrible friend, and many other things. I felt awful. No matter what I said, she twisted my words and used them against me.
Two weeks later, I apologized again, hoping that this time she would believe I was sincere. She never replied and disappeared.
She was gone for five or six months. During that time, I reread our old conversations and realized there were many moments where she had gaslighted me.
Then she came back.
On social media, she did everything she could to get my attention. I ignored her for a month, then eventually sent her a short message. She responded extremely aggressively again, but when I confronted her about the things she had done, her aggression started to fade. By the end of the conversation, for the first time in a long while, the conversation ended in more positive way.
Two days later, she messaged me from a fake account, pretending to be someone else. I realized it was her almost immediately. (Throughout all of this, I talked to my friends and my spouse. They all warned me to stay away from her, but for some reason I still think about her and want to contact her.)
I prepared a few trap questions to expose that it was her fake account. As soon as I did, she disappeared and suddenly blocked me on her real account, even though we had been talking on it for about a month.
Later, I looked at her account through a friend's profile. She had done something she had previously told me that she wouldn’t she had created a Discord server. I also know she definitely didn't want me to see it. So I joined the server using my own Discord account without saying anything.
While reading the conversations there, I caught her in several lies. It turned out she wasn't even living in the country she had told me she lived in.
When I found that out, I was overwhelmed with a desire for revenge. I tricked her into messaging me, and then I sent her an extremely harsh and aggressive message in the same style she had always used against me. I deliberately targeted the things I knew would hurt her because she had done that to me countless times.
It's been two months since then, and we haven't had any contact. But I still catch myself thinking, I wish we could have stayed friends, or I wish she'd message me somehow and we could forget all of this and fix things. I want to get over this because I know that even if we became friends again today, she would probably hurt me every single day.
I don't understand why I still feel this way, and I'm also ashamed that I'm still hurting after all this time.

I'm posting this from my alt account.
Even though it's been 8–9 months, I still think about her. I still get the urge to talk to her. Even though I know what she did to me, I still have anger toward her. I want to move on, but I just can't. I'll give a brief summary of what happened. (By the way, I have genuinely healthy relationships, close friends, and a spouse who loves me. I'm not alone.) I just don't understand why someone I was only friends with for six months had such a huge impact on me.
She once told me that she was a sadist, that she wanted to hurt people, and that she wanted to get rid of those thoughts but simply couldn't. She had even gone to a psychiatrist because of it. Even while we were friends, she would sometimes treat me badly and let her sadistic side show. I always tried to help her.
However, there are things I absolutely cannot tolerate in relationships: being lied to, being ignored, and people not keeping their promises. She didn't keep some of the promises she made to me, and when I told her that I was hurt, she reacted very aggressively. After that, there were times when she ignored me. The first time, I warned her. The second time, I warned her again. The third time, I gave her some time, and then I made my decision.
I decided to end the friendship. (I've ended unhealthy friendships before and never looked back. I thought it would be the same this time, but it wasn't. I still think about her.)
When I ended the friendship, she surprised me. She responded maturely, saying that she had actually been in the hospital, that she had personal issues, and that was why she couldn't reply. I felt guilty.
A few days later, I messaged her because I wondered how she was doing. She ignored me again.
I continued to message her occasionally (about unrelated things). Eventually, she replied in such an aggressive way that I couldn't believe it. It was as if we had never been friends and had always been enemies.
The next day, I apologized, hoping we could fix things, but the exact opposite happened. She insulted me relentlessly. She said my apology was fake, that I was a terrible friend, and many other things. I felt awful. No matter what I said, she twisted my words and used them against me.
Two weeks later, I apologized again, hoping that this time she would believe I was sincere. She never replied and disappeared.
She was gone for five or six months. During that time, I reread our old conversations and realized there were many moments where she had gaslighted me.
Then she came back.
On social media, she did everything she could to get my attention. I ignored her for a month, then eventually sent her a short message. She responded extremely aggressively again, but when I confronted her about the things she had done, her aggression started to fade. By the end of the conversation, for the first time in a long while, the conversation ended in more positive way.
Two days later, she messaged me from a fake account, pretending to be someone else. I realized it was her almost immediately. (Throughout all of this, I talked to my friends and my spouse. They all warned me to stay away from her, but for some reason I still think about her and want to contact her.)
I prepared a few trap questions to expose that it was her fake account. As soon as I did, she disappeared and suddenly blocked me on her real account, even though we had been talking on it for about a month.
Later, I looked at her account through a friend's profile. She had done something she had previously told me that she wouldn’t she had created a Discord server. I also know she definitely didn't want me to see it. So I joined the server using my own Discord account without saying anything.
While reading the conversations there, I caught her in several lies. It turned out she wasn't even living in the country she had told me she lived in.
When I found that out, I was overwhelmed with a desire for revenge. I tricked her into messaging me, and then I sent her an extremely harsh and aggressive message in the same style she had always used against me. I deliberately targeted the things I knew would hurt her because she had done that to me countless times.
It's been two months since then, and we haven't had any contact. But I still catch myself thinking, I wish we could have stayed friends, or I wish she'd message me somehow and we could forget all of this and fix things. I want to get over this because I know that even if we became friends again today, she would probably hurt me every single day.
I don't understand why I still feel this way, and I'm also ashamed that I'm still hurting after all this time.