u/Still-Peach8593

My ex (32M) and I (30F) broke up a couple of months ago, but I recently found out I was pregnant while I was experiencing a miscarriage. The baby obviously would have been his, but we have been no contact for quite some time now. WIBTA if I didn't tell him? WIBTA if I did? He has opened up to me in the past about friends and an ex having miscarriages and how it upset him that the men in those situations weren't really there for them. We had a pretty nasty breakup, and I don't care to mend the relationship. I'm just torn on whether he should know or not.

Recently, my bf (32M, we'll call him John) and I (30F) decided to get back together after a nasty breakup (genuinely thought there was no coming back from it) We had been off/on in the past. During those off times, I never entertained anyone, just focused on myself, whereas he would make out with a friend (confirmed they never did anything sexual) during these off times. (not sure if this is relevant, but I was always jealous of her and this was a huge reason we fought a lot. They are no longer in contact now though at all as John wanted to work on this with me)

When we had our nasty breakup (which was early to mid March), I felt like I did need to focus on myself again, so I disappeared, took myself on trips, and did things for myself to heal. In that time, I met someone, who I'll call Adam, around mid April. Adam and I hit it off pretty well and was someone I felt like I could see a relationship with. Eventually, I found out his true character (thinking being mean was flirty, him confessing to a previous p*rn addiction, paying for things of that nature, and offering me things to even just hang out with him) I had been lonely so I did have sex with him a few times because I actually wanted to. Those times were prior to finding out how he really was. The relationship then turned transactional, and was 100% consensual. I will say though, while it was consensual, I truthfully felt a bit embarrassed/ashamed/dirty accepting anything.

I started feeling uncomfortable with the idea of this, and distanced myself. I began to start thinking about how I needed to cut this off for a number of reasons, the main one being him being jealous of any man I mentioned (even my own brother) it being transactional and then at that point, was also lowkey degrading (referring to the being mean translating as being flirty, it was often pretty extreme, but I put up with it) but I pretty much stopped physically seeing him at that point. This is about mid May.

June came around and I randomly got a phone call from John, wanting to drop off my stuff I left at his house. We met up, talked, apologized, and decided to catch up. Long story short, that day the romance rekindled, and assumed it was leading to us getting back together. At that point I knew I REALLY had to end things with Adam, because I would rather pursue John. I saw my entire life and future with John, so it was a no brainer. At this time, I also did confess I had been seeing Adam but was in the process of breaking it off. 

A few days after John and I met up (but had not yet really confirmed repairing our relationship), I had to run an errand. Adam wanted to come so bad that he offered me gifts, so I allowed him to come. Nothing happened but a hug. I felt guilty given the fact I was talking to John, so that was the last time I accepted anything from him (which John knows about) A few days later I broke it off with Adam, but told him we could still be friends (my mistake). A few days after that, John and I definitely confirmed we were getting back together. This began a weird cycle with me and Adam being off and on as friends (off meaning NC at all) I eventually blocked him after he kept sending desperate messages that he wanted to be more than friends, making sexual comments towards me, and complimenting me, saying he'd give me whatever I want. At one point, he reached out with a fake number to ask me to be his gf. I said no and blocked. He begins to start doing this regularly, which creeped me out and I started getting concerned.

John and I would joke about this and I did admit to it being transactional. John did admit to being jealous of Adam, but was okay and comfortable talking about it. John would make jokes or comments about the texts, saying he was obsessed with me, and saying "what did you do to this guy?" He would also make comments and allude to the fact that I was doing inappropriate things. I would look at him weirdly and wouldn't confirm/deny because I felt like the answer was obvious, but I didn't feel comfortable saying I had sex with someone else outright because I felt he'd be disappointed in me or think I was rubbing it in his face. 

Last night, something he said made it seem like he genuinely did not know, so I finally opened up and said yes, we had sex. It led to a conversation of him being disappointed - not because I had sex, but because I didn't tell him due to the obsession. He also brought up his past with kissing his friend and ultimately downplayed it as no longer being as bad/hurtful because this was supposedly worse. I did want to mention that he never told me directly either, I always found out or asked. After that, he then told me now it made sense why Adam was like this, and to me that felt like I was limited to being an object. As if Adam is so obsessed not because of me as a person, but only because of the sex. He then wanted to know everything so I told him every detail. He was upset that I assumed he knew. He then told me it made sense why I assumed, but then we went back and forth about why it hurt him/how it hurt me. He asked if I was ever going to tell him. Tbh I was, but it felt like I was too sensitive and worried about his reaction with it being so soon. He then told me had to consider things and reflect, which makes me anxious about the state of our relationship. I already felt unsafe about Adam, and now feel unsafe that I was so vulnerable finally telling John and his reaction was exactly what I was afraid of when I already felt shame. Part of me just wishes I never said anything about Adam to begin with since I was already going to cut it off, but I also didn't want to be dishonest with John. It also bugs me how John says that whatever I did when we were broken up is not his business, but now it is because Adam won't leave me alone.

So, AITA for not telling him up until now, instead of before?