u/Strange_Place_7361

I'm 22 yr old about to 23, I didn't finish school, I dropped out at 15, I never managed to fit in well, anywhere, I was always arguing with classmates who made fun of me from middle school to the few years of high school that I attended, i spent those years hanging out mostly with kids from many different countries than mine. At home things weren't any better, I only saw my father 2/3 times in my life when I was about 6 yr old, I don't remember his face and I wouldn't recognize him If he passed by the street, My mother had a relationship with a man who moved into our house when I was 11, he was basically a good person but with a few problems, one of the many men of his age worn out by all the work they did in their life, and with an old mindset about the relation between life\work balance, acting tough everytime we were discussing, About a year ago after a big argument we had, I exploded in a fit of rage, He instantly reacted crying and shaking with fear, I spent that night out, the next day when I came back he had taken all his things and left. So now I stayed to live only with my mother, the house is divided into two parts and on the other side live my maternal grandmother and my uncle. My uncle suffers from schizophrenia, Almost 10 years ago he attempted suicide by drinking detergent, then few years ago after not taking his medicine for a while in a fit of rage he almost killed his mother (my grandma) Who managed to save herself by crawling to the neighbors, (after a week she returned from hospital and i saw her almost unrecognizable face, i felt horrible) my uncle started smoking at 13 and his life was particularly marked by drugs and his father Who was really a mean person to him and my mother. I Always felt Sorry for my uncle, In my whole life I have never seen anyone come to visit him, He's always been alone. Even after that incident my grandmother continued to love him without ever wavering, now they are fine.

Then there's my sister, she's 10 years older than me, already at the age of 9/10 I remember that she was almost never at home, When i was about 12 yr old she moved out from home, hours away by car from here. Luckily she has a good life, she has managed to make a job of her passion. The last time we saw each other was a few months ago, she called the police on me cause we were arguing very loudly, and this ended with my mother leaving the house, Now I'm alone and worried about my future, How will I continue to live like this? I always feel a sense of sadness and I can't move on, I've been so low for so long in my life, that now I can't desire and appreciate things anymore, in truth this sentence is wrong, because I've never been able to appreciate things, I remember that since the first memories of my childhood I felt this enormous excruciating pain, I tore up every drawing I made, everything I created, My mother always had to take things away from me otherwise I would break them. I never wanted to take group photos, under any circumstances, the only ones I didn't refuse were those with my family, because it would have been more painful to refuse than to pose for them, birthdays were the worst days, I still remember my 17th birthday, I always insisted on not wanting to have any party, and most of the time they listened to me, but that year no, I still remember seeing my grandmother with that innocent smile, my uncle sitting with that empty look of someone more dead than alive, and my mother tired, aged. Fuck It, that's enough

Ps5 Ds2 Need Materials

Is there a subreddit where I can ask for help?

I'm struggling

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