u/Struggling_Xennial

My husband and I have been together for 21 years and married for 14. A few months ago, he reconnected with an ex-girlfriend from over 20 years ago. He repeatedly told me they were "just friends," but I later discovered there had been emotional and physical infidelity. There were months of lies, secrecy, and deception surrounding the relationship.

Since then, I've told him the one thing I need to even begin rebuilding trust is for him to end contact with her. His response is that she's "just a friend," he's entitled to his own friendships, and his therapist says everyone deserves friendships. He insists there's nothing romantic anymore and refuses to stop talking to her.

At the same time, he's in a serious mental health crisis. He's seeing a therapist, is on medication, and says he's doing better, but he still has episodes of intense self-hatred and shame.

We have two young boys. Right now I'm trying to balance supporting the father of my children, protecting our kids, and dealing with my own heartbreak.

The part I can't move past is this: he knows how deeply continuing this friendship hurts me, and he still chooses to keep her in his life. It feels like every day he is choosing that relationship over rebuilding trust with me.

For those who have successfully co-parented after infidelity, especially when the affair partner remained in your ex's life, how did you stop letting it consume you? How did you accept that you couldn't control their choices and still protect your own peace?

And if you've navigated co-parenting with someone who was also struggling with significant mental health issues, how did you balance compassion with your responsibility to keep your children safe?

I'm looking for perspective from people who've actually lived something similar because right now I feel emotionally exhausted and stuck.

My husband (47) and I have been together for 21 years and married for 14. A few months ago, he told me he was unhappy in our marriage and wanted a divorce. Shortly afterward, he said he needed space to figure out what he wanted and moved into our nephew’s spare bedroom. We have two young children, ages 6½ and 1½. We both work full-time and have very little outside support.

Like many couples with young children and demanding lives, we weren't always the best at prioritizing our relationship. I honestly believed we were just going through a difficult season and never imagined things would unravel like this.

Since moving out, he has distanced himself from nearly everyone connected to our life together. He has withdrawn from mutual friends, isolated himself from his family, and now only maintains relationships with people who have no connection to me. He has even rekindled a friendship with his high school ex-girlfriend.

He seems consumed by resentment and has brought up years of buried grievances, blaming me for his unhappiness and even for his lack of friendships. I know I'm not perfect, but I have spent our marriage trying to put him and our children first, making sure they were loved, cared for, and supported.

I don't know what to do or whether he's too far gone, but I honestly don't recognize the person he has become. Has anyone been through something similar, either personally or with someone they love?

Despite the hurtful things he has said and the ways he has blamed me, I still love and care about him. Deep down, I can't shake the feeling that he is making me the villain in his story in order to justify his choices and behavior.