u/SubstantialSky938

AMAB coming to terms with being a demigirl - not sure if that's the best term for someone in their late 40s? I've been feeling guilt that there's something socially wrong with me for wanting boobs while retaining other elements of masculinity.

Then I saw another post from years ago where an ftm-nb said "I usually wear a prosthetic during sex to feel more comfortable with myself".

Blew my tiny mind. I think because it's such a beautiful demonstration of how this is for us, not some vein external performance.

(hope doesn't seem insulting to have said thi, I think I'm going through a process of breaking down internalised transphobia and coming to terms with mysefl)

Originally on r/asktransgender , was suggested I post here too.

I'm 48, been in various states of ignorance, denial, internalized transphobia for decades. I feel like I'm close to being ready, but hesitating for fear of making a mistake and then beating myself up for having been so stupid and acting on a whim.

• I'd never pass, but I have a feeling my destination isn't binary.
• I've always wanted boobs, though I'm anxious about how a male with boobs would be perceived.
• Overall more fem while still be clearly clocked as male would potentially be ok.
• I feel like I'm gambling that HRT is going to help the longing, gender envy and secretive under-dressing finally calm down.
• While much of this feels like it's for me, there's also some part that want's other people to see what I fantasize is the real me.

Main thing is I want to look and feel like I'm not trying too hard to pass as something I'm not. Want to prioritize authentic, if that makes any sense at all?!

Do you think I'm at risk of making a mistake?

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Things I've gathered so far:

- A few people saying they have also felt the need for boobs while not aiming for full binary transfem. Makes me feel like I need not be so ashamed of my motivations.

- Sounds like I can learn a lot in the first few months, and pause if I'm still freaking out before things become more permanent.

I'm 48, been in various states of ignorance, denial, internalized transphobia for decades. I feel like I'm close to being ready, but hesitating for fear of making a mistake and then beating myself up for having been so stupid and acting on a whim.

• I'd never pass, but I have a feeling my destination isn't binary.
• I've always wanted boobs, though I'm anxious about how a male with boobs would be perceived.
• Overall more fem while still be clearly clocked as male would potentially be ok.
• I feel like I'm gambling that HRT is going to help the longing, gender envy and secretive under-dressing finally calm down.
• While much of this feels like it's for me, there's also some part that want's other people to see what I fantasize is the real me.

Main thing is I want to look and feel like I'm not trying too hard to pass as something I'm not. Want to prioritize authentic, if that makes any sense at all?!

Do you think I'm at risk of making a mistake?

I used to believe in AGP but my therapist helped me see it was a massive cope. Readling Julia Serano helped a lot. I won't go into the details as I don't want to propagate stuff I don't believe any more.

As I'm climbing out of the AGP hole I'm getting distressed about the fact I sometimes get turned on when I cross-dress in private. I tell myself it's just because I'm having to suppress my nature (wife and kids stuff), but I don't know. I'm never going to transition as I'm older and wouldn't have a hope of even remotely passing. I hate the idea that I'm just perverted. Anyone else worked through this kind of thing?