u/Substantial_Leg7398

Hello potatoes and the queen Charlotte if you see this. Something has been bothering me for a while and I need some advice. Buckle up for this one people. It’s going to be a longgg one. I (28F) have been best friends with, let’s just call her Drizella (28F), for 12 years. We have been through ups and downs in life. She has been there for me in some of the darkest parts of my life. However, looking back on it, it seems she only was there for me during those darkest parts. I struggled with mental health, horrible dating choices, and that partying phase that every young adult has.

Before I start, I held onto the good memories and childhood memories and as a teenager. I held onto the idea that she would better her life. I recognize that we are and were at different stages in life. But all I wanted was for her to become a better person and make better life choices so she could become independent and celebrate our wins in life together.

Little backstory here…

I was across the US for military for about 4 years. Met a lot of people along the way and really just enjoyed life. Until my divorce. I lost a lot of people during that phase in my life and had no idea who was truly my friends until my whole world came crashing down. Drizella hadn’t sent me but 1 message during my time away for about 2 1/2 months during the hardest mental hurdles of the military in training. That was until she heard I was about to go through a nasty divorce. In that time I’ll be honest, I didn’t trust her. I didn’t trust anyone. My ex had infiltrated all aspects of people on the other side of the country. Bad enough as that was, once word got around that I was getting a divorce I was labeled basically a stupid moron as that is what most women get labeled who go through a divorce so young in their first year of service. Men get told to get back out there. Women get labeled whores. During that time period she didn’t ask me how I was really actually feeling. It felt like she only wanted the drama. She came to visit me at my first duty station off base and stayed a few days. But I didn’t really understand her true reason for being there. I was reserved a reason: to protect myself from a mentally and emotionally abusive man and the little tribe of friends he ripped from my life and abandoned too. And I was alone in a state I had never lived in by myself and she randomly arrived at my doorstep in an effort to be “supportive”.

Fast forward to after she left to go back home. I hardly heard from her after that. Maybe once every few weeks. I had always pushed her to be positive and get better with her mental health but was always met bu negativity. When I did hear from her it was hardly a conversation. One sided. Me talking and asking questions about her life back home with hardly even a response. And the reason was always met with “well my mental health isn’t so great today honestly”. Did I mention I was the one who always called, texted, snapped, etc. So I eventually distanced it, finalized my divorce. And moved on with my life with a great therapist and a new support system to rally around me. Again. As years went on, hardly ever a hello. I sent gifts for her birthday and Christmases. Never heard hardly anything besides one word texts, getting her voicemail at least once a week, then hearing from her like nothing was wrong for a few days before complete silence, and so on and so forth.

When I met my current husband a year and some change later, she seemed happy for me. But immediately brought up my ex-husband and made it into a negative conversation. It started as “I’m happy for you. I like him!” then to “but you’ve always had a shit choice in men.” I distanced myself from her. But she would reel me back in like a toxic ex and almost love bomb me with I miss yous and saying how her mental health went down from the day I left and she had a hard time improving her life since I basically abandoned her. When in reality, I joined the military to better myself and get out of the bad mistakes I had been making as a teenager and young adult.

Moving to 2 1/2 years ago now:

My husband and I decided to move back to my hometown instead of his. And with open arms my best friend greets me. As if she hadn’t basically came in and out of my life for 4 years without failing to respond to texts and calls for months at a time. But I long for a friendship with someone coming back to a state where I had to put my big girl pants on and face the demons I had hid from for so long across the country while improving myself as a person. My husband and I decided to rent a house. And you guessed it, she let herself in like I had never left. Over all of the time, sleeping over in the spare room occasionally, going out for drinks, etc. But from the minute I got out, after serving my country, busting my ass to be a better person and make better decisions in my life, prove to myself and my family that I was worth something, and build a beautiful relationship and life with my husband; she said “you know all this stuff is just handouts that the government hands out to people for basically nothing. It’s just a few years away.” And “you basically just abandoned me here and I just couldn’t improve myself on my own without you. I went into such a deep depression.” It angered me. I took pride in everything I had did, overcome, and accomplished. But I softly explained to her how hard I worked to serve and become the person I should’ve been a long time ago. And she would blow me off. I asked her at one point not to smoke the devil’s leaf around me (weed). I didn’t want any part in that due to my past experiences and my husband’s in our life before the military. And what did she do? She brought it in her purse or her backpack in my vehicle to my house and had the audacity to ask to smoke it on my back porch (which btw it is NOT legal in my state). Not to mention a cop lived 3 doors down from us. Over and over. No matter how many times I asked her nicely not to.

Then came the partying situation. She used to be the very mild timid friend growing up, while I was the risk taking thrill seeking friend who pushed boundaries in life. During our time away, my husband and I went clubbing, dancing, and drinking A LOT in the beginning and middle of our relationship. At some point along the way, we decided to settle down, get our heads on straight and decided against going out and doing those things unless it was drinking a few glasses at a dinner with friends or at a campfire kind of thing. And we promised never to do that without one another as that’s how we both grew up in our own households. Well, Drizella constantly pushed to party And go clubbing and smoke. When I would say no and express my marriage’s boundaries, she would continue to push for it anyways. Until one day, I decided to take her to a dinner to discuss boundaries and explain what I was feeling. She said negative things about my spouse. How he was controlling. How I wasn’t fun anymore. How my life revolved around me saving money (even though anytime she called me eventually after the newness of me being back weaned off, she would only call for rides to the store or to grab vapes, or for a ride out to drinks or to see her new boyfriend 45 mins away like I was an uber Before waving me off because she was “tired“ and mind you, I payed for most every outing and a lot of other shit she asked me to pay for out of the kindness of my heart and that need to keep the friendship alive). Then she ditched me for strangers we met at a tobacco shop to go to a club next door after I said I wanted to be home before my husband got home from work out of respect to him after he worked a 12 hour shift and had a bad day. She told those new “friends” I was weird for chatting with the store owner when I had more connection with him being an old vet and living in the area I lived while I was in the military. Those other girls were not people I cared to talk to as they squealed and said “oh my god” like 3 million times. Which is not my type of people I like to hang around honestly. I would’ve had to walk 20 mins across town back to my car alone at 8pm (That part of town is sketchy after dark which it was about to be). So instead, I Ubered back to my car and called my husband. Basically was shooed away and abandoned because she “wanted to go explore, make new friends, and have a good time”. which btw I was her ride to that part of town but whatever I guess.

fast forward I kept her at a distance after that. She invited me to her birthday celebration for food and got roped into one of the friends there driving us to a bar after. I didn’t feel comfortable. so after 2 hours of the dinner and then being shuttled to the bar, I called my husband to pick me up. He told me just to say he wasnt comfortable so I wouldn’t be embarrassed for wanting to leave and hurt her feelings. I did. She said “well he can get over it. It’s my birthday” luckily he showed up in 10 minutes, I hugged her goodbye and wished her a happy birthday walking out with my head high and said “maybe I just don’t want to be here and dont feel comfortable. But happy birthday“ as dudes were busy chatting it up with her and getting to friendly with our group. Including myself.

then 8 weeks later, I find out I’m pregnant. Long story short, I was scared. I had bad hips from the military and a bad back. I was worried. And my husband and I were in the process of building a new house. We were stressed. life was moving fast. So instinctively after I had said I wouldn’t talk to her or hang with her again after her birthday and had distanced myself significantly, all I wanted was my best friend. I called her. My husband supported it but worried she would say something negative again. “oh girl you aren’t ready for that yet” first words out of her mouth. And “if you want an abortion I’ll drive with You to Illinois don’t worry”. I was silent and my mind was moving a million miles a minute of happiness but stress and worry all at the same time. so many life chqnges at once. Before she pretty much ended the conversation with um. Okay. I gotta go. My boyfriend and I are going to bed so”. After the call, I realized what she had said. It wasn’t positive support. Again. Pointing out my flaws when my life was finally coming together. Again. I had distanced myself slowly. And in that moment I knew why.

finally, when I planned my gender reveal and baby shower, I chose not to invite her after everything. I didn’t want her current decisions to be around my baby after she had said “I’ll be the aunt that lets her drink and smoke weed at my house and have a little fun“. No. That wasn’t something I wanted for my kid. Neither did my husband or family. As kids, it was fun to be wreckless. But now, I choose better life choices away from drinking the pain away like I used to. I saved money when we were dead broke. I build a beautiful starter home that my husband and I altered together to make it our own. I bought my car with my own money and hard work and dedication from jobs I could do through the severe pain I had in my hips and back. When all she did was trash my rental, talk to me like shit, and talk down on me for the progress towards new better me. So no. I didn’t invite her without a second thought or word to her. And when she found out through a mutual friend I was told she threw a fit and didn’t understand why when I had told her multiple times about how I felt about her decisions, treatment, and words.

So she blocked me on all social media.

So potatoes, AITA?

I bought rubber duckies around my house for my husband to find

AITA for not inviting my best friend of 12 years to my baby shower and cutting her out of my life?