u/SuchRecommendation51

I was wondering if some of you know a few insiders for a romantic/soft goth, Japanese y2k and grungy kind of aesthetic lol. I like a lot of lace and frills and just detailed clothes in general. If any of you know stores that might suit this aesthetic in London, please let me know 🥹🥹 thank you so much 🫶🏼🫶🏼

I (27F) could really use some outside perspective because I’m genuinely struggling to tell the difference between intuition, anxiety, attachment issues, ADHD, and actual incompatibility.

I’ve been talking to a guy (24M) since November. We’ve been exclusive since around December and have seen each other in person about once a month since February (long distance, Berlin vs. Stuttgart). We basically do everything a couple would do emotionally, except we never officially became a couple.

A few days ago, I ended things impulsively because I felt exhausted and insecure. We decided to take some space, and now I’m reflecting on my own role in all of this.

The thing is: I’ve always been an overthinker in dating. Every time I really like someone, I start questioning everything. I find reasons why it might not work, worry about wasting my time, worry that they don’t like me enough, worry that I’m making the wrong decision. Looking back, I can see that I brought a lot of anxiety into this connection. Some of my concerns were legitimate, but some were probably fueled by fear.

He also has his own fears. He’s very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and dating. One thing that makes this complicated is that he told me he isn’t in love with me. He says he sees potential for love and that his feelings have grown over time, but he doesn’t feel “in love” right now.

What makes me question how much weight I should give that statement is that his only previous experience of being “in love” was with a girl he barely knew. From what he’s told me, it sounds like he was more in love with the idea of her, the hope, and the fantasy than with the actual person. This is essentially the first time he’s truly gotten to know someone deeply while dating them.

Because of that, I sometimes wonder if we simply have different ideas of what falling in love looks like. He feels it’s strange to enter a relationship before being able to say “I love you,” whereas I tend to think love can grow through commitment, shared experiences, and building a life together.

He also struggles with the distance. We’ve only seen each other in person four times (for a couple of days each time so maybe 3 weeks in total but we are texting every day since December), and he feels that real progress in both the relationship and his feelings would come from spending more time together in everyday life. He describes it as if the “fire” grows when we’re together, but fades when we’re apart.

What’s confusing is that he genuinely treats me incredibly well. He listens, remembers things I tell him, puts effort into us, keeps his word, and has many of the qualities I want in a long-term partner. I know I matter to him. At the same time, I never felt fully secure because there was always a “maybe” attached to us.

One of my biggest fears is this: what if I’m ending something good because my anxiety always finds reasons to doubt? But my other fear is: what if I’m staying in something where neither of us is truly in love and we’re both hoping those feelings eventually appear?

I’ve also realized that I haven’t really experienced intense butterflies or that stereotypical “falling in love” feeling since I was 17. With him, I feel safe, comfortable, attracted to him, emotionally connected, and I care deeply about him. But I honestly don’t know if what I feel is “being in love” or not. And I think he’s similarly confused.

So I guess my question is:

How do you tell the difference between anxiety-driven doubt and genuine incompatibility? And has anyone ever built a healthy, loving relationship from a place of uncertainty rather than intense romantic certainty?

I would be thankful for any insides and thoughts 🫶🏼

hey, if you are selling your tickets please dm me! I would be the happiest person alive. thank you!!