u/SugarOne1

Just in case anyone is looking for help and googling things.
When I came home from the hospital I was sent home with a dental symphony. I was still waiting on my spectra. I got to use it for 3 months then had to return it.
Since then I’ve been trying to make the spectra work for me. I was getting maybe 2oz total. I felt I was doing something wrong. I got all size flanges, kept resizing myself, I was 15 so I sized up, down, same. Got adapters to use madela flanges. Got the silicone lacteck flanges. Got the legendairy cups. Tried madela cups I was gifted with spectra. Got a hand pump and got better output but it wasn’t sustainable. It would give me hope and I would get a bit more output with a new fix just once then back to low output.
I was scared I had low supply. Baby was gaining well and was mostly breastfeeding.

Went back to work where I could try a symphony again in our pumping room. I got 6oz. I finally got a spray! Nothing like spectra.

I found a used symphony and I’m buying it. So much money on all of this, sigh.

I don’t know what I’m looking for. Words of encouragement? Hearing that it gets better? Solidarity?
I am extremely lucky I know with my leave and I go back to work when my son is 5.5 months.

I feel like time has passed too fast. I never get the feeling of needing a break or wanting to talk to other adults. I want to spend all day with my baby, I can’t get enough of him. His little personality is coming out. He’s so happy and easy going. I love having my little buddy.

As return to work gets closer I’m getting sad and anxious. After I put him to bed and he’s been asleep for a few hours I start to miss him. While I’m in the shower I start getting sad and feel anxiety levels increasing.
My sweet husband says “everything will be okay” and snuggles me as I cry.

I’ve decided to go back part time for now but we can’t sustain it. Stupid me had to go out and get the career and be the breadwinner. Now I just want to be a SAHM. Stupid feminism.