Asking to be friends
Hi everyone,
I was dating a guy for 8 months. Around 6-7 months I asked if we could be exclusive. At first he said he wasn’t opposed to the idea of it. However, he said he need to see if on our second trip he could relax and be himself. Our first trip he said he couldn’t . Granted he was dealing with a lot of emotions and he realized a traumatic experience he had that he didn’t realize before. He also said he didn’t like the movie I chose that we watched in theaters. I didn’t really enjoy it either but that’s ok. He didn’t think it was ok from my understanding. He went on about how he felt like something was wrong with him and asked why him. I tried to be supportive and understanding. In June is when we took our trip. I thought it went ok and overall I enjoyed it. He didn’t seem to act like he didn’t enjoy the trip. The following week he was still affectionat, he would call me a couple of times, he would make plans to see each other or bring up things we could do. Then the next week on Monday he planned a three part date where we would eat, go to a zoo, and a museum. He asked if I could drive. On Friday,in the morning he was still affectionate. He did say he had a really bad headache. I asked if he wanted to raincheck he said he was still down to go but would have to see how he felt as the day went by. At the restauran, we were eating and talking. He said he felt overstimulated. I said maybe you should go outside or the restroom for a bit. He said no he was ok. Then he asked how I thought the trip went. I was honest and said I felt anxious and that I was being evaluated. Then he said that’s what its like. Then he turned it on me saying how he felt anxious because I felt anxious. Then he said he felt pressured by me because he felt I tried to pressure him to get a two day rental car instead of one. I said no we only agreed on one day. Then he said I was gaslighting him. We went outside and then he said we should be friends because he doesn’t feel like he has the capacity for a LTR. We ended up walking and talking about what he was going through and he felt like he was people pleasing people and that he has a lot going on with his parents, work, and friends. I asked if there might be a chance in the future if he did gain the capacity and he said maybe. We then went to Starbucks he offered to buy my drink and said I could get the next one. I refused. He asked what I wanted to do. We went to the zoo and museum and during this time he was talking about what I was doing wrong in the relationship basically things that can be worked on. he said he wanted me to finish things even if I didn’t enjoy it, being consistent by doing that, etc… He started questioning me about what I want in life, life and death, belief in God, opened up about a trauma. I dropped him off at his place he hugged me really tight for a long while and said see you and talk to you soon. We messaged each other and I asked him for clarity. Trying to understand how he could go from planning dates to breaking up 4 days later. He couldn’t really answer my questions and would say he didn’t have the capacity or could give me the reassurance I needed. He said he couldn’t do a LTR right now but then changed it to we aren’t compatible because ’m not consistent because I don’t finish a model kit completely or that I am nit picky. that I should finish things even if I don’t like it. The he needs someone who can travel while on his work trips or for fun. I have more vacation days than most people like every month. The he doesn’t feel heard when he is vulnerable because I don’t specifically say I am so sorry, it must be difficult, I am holding space for you if you want to talk about it you can if not that’s ok. Do you want to go get ice cream and build a model kit? That I don’t remind him to pay him back (I always pay him back), I don’t say thank you enough for gifts or sharing a restaurant with me(I say thank you everything he gives me a gift). Another one is essentially I didn’t mind read how he wanted to be treated or say exactly what he wanted. To me these were just excuses to push me away. These are things that could’ve been worked on. He asked for two weeks no contact to process everything. Did he really want to break up with me or was it because he didn’t like how I responded about the trip? Why did he make me drive if he was going to break up with me? What if I got really emotional. Why does he even want to be friends? He seemed down or low when he broke up with me. Will he change his mind or did he me a what he said?