was this a chain of events? father SA brother SA
This may be disturbing to some people but I'm just trying to piece together a few events in my life to see does it make sense for me to think that they're connected?
My father exposed his private parts indecently to me as a child. I was maybe seven years old and he went into the bathroom to urinate. I entered the room and he did not stop me from standing directly next to the toilet and staring at his penis while he urinated. I watched the entire thing and was maybe 2 feet from his penis. My head being the same height as it so I know I was young I just don't really remember exactly what age. The image is very vivid in my mind it was my first time seeing an adult man's private parts.
I didn't understand that this was wrong I think the fact that that happened made me think it was something funny to expose your private parts to someone..
Sometime later I was playing with my sister who was maybe three or four years old at the time and I thought it would be funny to take a picture of her private parts so I took a picture on my brother's phone and I left it on his phone. I genuinely didn't see how that could be wrong at the time. I was maybe seven or eight. Now I'm incredibly ashamed about this and I'm really worried that I violated her I don't think she remembers but if she does we've never spoken about it.
My brother obviously found it he would've been maybe nine or 10 years old at the time and told my mum who spoke to me and said that we shouldn't do that I remember being embarrassed that they found it.
A few years later when I was 12 years old my brother was about 14 and now I know he had kind of already discovered porn at that age and my mom told me that it had actually scared him but he mimicked a sexual act on me in the bathroom. I was facing the mirror and he came in and he rubbed himself on me like a humping motion and I felt a pressure from his groin area pushing into my lower back. My brain registered it as his penis. I thought age I don't think I really understood sex I didn't know how any of that worked I didn't know what an erected penis looked like or felt like. But I just remember in that moment a massive overwhelming feeling of disgust and discomfort and violation. I registered something to do with his private part being rubbed on me as something deeply wrong even though I didn't understand it at the time. When he did it I immediately registered the sensation and I jumped away and I turned around in shock and disgust and he laughed as he showed me that what he was rubbing on me was his fingers pointing out from where his crotch was. So he didn't actually physically sexually assault me but the action mimicked it and he just laughed at my discomfort. My brain has always registered this as a sexual assault or at least sexually inappropriate and I've been uncomfortable about this for years. It was when I was maybe 19 years old did I remember this properly and recognise it for what it was. The memory was buried for a long time and it came back to me I don't really know what triggered it but it's a very vivid memory of mine and I know I'm not making it up.
I did tell my mom at that time but she just got upset and she was crying and saying he would never do that he's not that kind of guy and later on during an argument it did come up and I directly said it to him and he went to therapy for a year to convince himself that he didn't do it and now he claims that I am his abuser and that he'll have a panic attack he's around me.
Anyways I've basically been excommunicated from the family for an array of other reasons namely me just not tolerating any of the excuses that surround these behaviours and for calling out general abuse and neglect in our childhood. The whole family is on the side of my father. My parents have never done anything about this situation even though I did tell my family about the incidents with my dad and my brother. They've all been met with disgust denial and avoidance.
I know my experience was real so I'm not here to validate that but I'm just wondering like does anyone think maybe there's a connection between the exposure to me taking a picture of my sister to my brother than molesting me because there was a lack of boundaries between the family and private parts ? I'm really wondering did the exposure from my father make me think it was normal which then led my brother to think it was normal to do something like that to me?? I don't blame myself for any of it I only feel really guilty for the photo that I took off my baby sister and I really really hope she just doesn't remember it.