u/Sunflowerlily94

I (30F) feel like I’m getting close to forcing my fiancé (23M) to choose between me and his father’s side of the family, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable anymore.

For some background, my fiancé (“James”) had a crush on me for years before we ever got together. I had just escaped an 11-year abusive relationship with my ex, who is now in prison for strangulation and other violent charges. I have two sons from that relationship. Because of the trauma and the age gap between us, I told James no repeatedly for years. I wasn’t ready for another relationship, and I didn’t want someone young taking on the responsibility of children unless it was something truly serious.

Eventually, after years of friendship, we started dating in 2024.

Here’s where things get complicated: before James and I got together, his father openly admitted multiple times that he was attracted to me and tried hooking up with me more than once — despite fully knowing James and I were already extremely close and best friends at that point. I rejected him every time, blocked him, and stayed away from him after that.

Once James and I became official, his father’s side of the family became openly hostile toward me. I’ve been called a “coke whore,” “crackhead,” told I’m “ran through town,” and had vulgar comments made about my body directly to my face — disgusting comments, referring to beef curtains and much worse which his father thought was hilarious to call me these names in front of my children. Making me out to be some drug addict despite the fact that I’ve never used drugs. I have multiple college degrees, a stable career, own my home, and spent years rebuilding my life after escaping abuse.

At one point I almost ended the relationship because the disrespect was exhausting, but James stood up to his father and refused to let him ruin our relationship. His dad apologized for a while, but it didn’t last.

Since then, I’ve completely withdrawn from his father’s side of the family. I don’t attend events, I don’t communicate with them, and I don’t want my children around them. His grandmother has even slapped my children in the face at family events, to the point where other relatives stepped in because they agreed it was completely inappropriate and unnecessary.

The problem now is that it’s affecting James too. His father constantly insults me to him, tells him to leave the room because he’s “tired of hearing that b*tch’s annoying voice,” spreads rumors about me, and tries to drag other people into it. Even going as far as calling my own father to complain about me, or telling James cousins that I slept with their dad. Which is not true. James has gotten to the point where he says he doesn’t even like talking to his dad anymore because every conversation turns into a fight about me or inappropriate conversation like how his father is cheating on his step mother.

Recently, he actually cried over all of this — which is extremely unlike him. He told his father he’s exhausted and doesn’t enjoy speaking to him anymore because of the constant negativity and disrespect. It’s also important to note that James wasn’t even really raised by his father. He mainly grew up with his mom and didn’t develop a close relationship with his dad until he was around 18. His mom is wonderful and treats my boys like her own grandchildren.

James himself has been amazing through all of this. He works hard, loves my children like his own, and has built a peaceful life with me. We’re getting married in September.

But at this point, I feel like something has to change before we get married. I don’t want to make him choose between me and his family, and honestly I know James doesn’t deserve this treatment either. Watching this constantly tear him down emotionally has been heartbreaking.I feel like we need to protect our peace as a whole — not just mine, but our relationship and our children too. And I don’t know if that’s possible without creating permanent boundaries with his father’s side of the family, possibly even no contact.

I feel guilty even thinking about it, but I also feel like continuing to allow this chaos, disrespect, and hostility into our lives is hurting all of us. Do I push James to cut ties? Even if it's temporary? How does one go about this?

AITA?

I (30F) feel like I’m about to force my fiancé (23M) to choose between me and his father’s side of the family, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable anymore.

For background, we’ll call my fiancé “James.” James had a crush on me since he was 17 and pursued me once he turned 18. At the time, I had just escaped an 11-year toxic and violent relationship with my ex, who is now in prison for strangulation among other things. We have two children together. Because of all that trauma, I repeatedly told James no. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and I was uncomfortable with the age gap. I also felt like he deserved to enjoy being young without taking on children. I made it clear that if I ever settled down again, it would only be for something serious and stable. My boys needed a permanent, healthy father figure — not another unstable relationship.

Despite that, James never stopped trying, and over the years we became best friends.

Around that same time, James’ father openly admitted multiple times that he found me attractive. He tried hooking up with me several times, including at his niece’s wedding. I rejected him, blocked him, and avoided him completely after that.

Fast forward to 2024, and James and I finally decided to give our relationship a chance. We kept it quiet at first because we already knew his family would judge us due to my past relationship and the age gap. His family also had ties to my ex through work and mutual friendships.

Once they found out, things got ugly fast.

His father told James he didn’t want us together and literally said to “hit it and quit it.” After James moved in with me, his family got even worse. I was called a “coke whore” and a “crackhead” despite never using drugs. His father made disgusting comments about me being “ran through town” and vulgar comments about my body directly to my face.

For context, I’m not some deadbeat woman they portray me to be. I have multiple college degrees, a successful career making $32/hour, and I’m known in my community for volunteering and helping families in need. Yes, I partied in my early 20s, but once my ex became dangerous, I completely changed my life. I stopped drinking and focused entirely on protecting my children and building stability for them. Everything I had before James — my home, career, and stability — I built myself.

At one point I tried ending the relationship because I was exhausted by the disrespect. James refused to let his father ruin our relationship. He confronted him, and eventually his dad apologized. Things were okay for maybe a month.

Then Thanksgiving happened.

We were invited over, and his family treated my children and me horribly the entire time. We were basically isolated in another room where my kids couldn’t even play with toy cars. The final straw was when his grandmother backhanded my 9-year-old son because he leaned on a swinging chair.

I was so shocked I froze. James froze too. His cousin was actually the one who defended my son and started yelling about how inappropriate it was. We left immediately.

Since then, it’s only escalated. His father calls James and tells him to leave the room because he’s “tired of hearing that bitch’s annoying voice.” They’ve told us they hope we don’t have children because we “haven’t been together long enough.” They tell James he isn’t ready to be a father despite him stepping up for my boys more than most men ever would.

They’ve removed me from social media, spread rumors about me, and his father has even called my own dad to complain about me. He constantly talks badly about me to mutual acquaintances.

The thing is… James himself is incredible.

He works hard, protects us, provides for us, and has done nothing but grow throughout this relationship. I bought my house early on, but he helped turn it into a real home. Together we’ve built a peaceful, stable life. He loves my boys like they’re his own.

He was mainly raised by his mother — thank God for that woman. My future mother-in-law is wonderful and treats my children like her actual grandchildren.

James proposed in November after about a year together, and our wedding is planned for September. His father’s side has already made comments about the wedding, and James has made it clear they don’t have to attend.

But I’m at the point where I don’t think I can marry someone whose family actively hates me and disrespects my children. I don’t want my boys growing up around people who insult their mother and physically harm them, especially after fighting so hard to remove them from abuse already.

I feel like the next time something happens, I need to force the issue: either he cuts off his father and that side of the family, or I can’t continue this relationship.

Now I feel guilty because I know how awful it is to ask someone to choose between family and their partner… but I also feel like I’m choosing between protecting my peace and exposing myself and my children to ongoing abuse.

AITA?