u/Superb-Salt-8939

I, 15f was diagnosed with >!anorexia!< not too long ago. My problem is, my cousin is coming over for a few nights in a couple of days to hang out with me and I’m so worried. >!When I restrict, I restrict to about 100-500 cal!<, and I get so grumpy. I’m always irritable and lock myself in my room because I’m so mean and I hate it. I hate the idea of being mean to her or anyone for that matter. I don’t want to make her feel unwelcome or regret coming here. Whenever she comes over, I try to >!eat above my calorie count!< so I’m in a little bit less of a mood but then I end up binging and it’s a nightmare. The guilt is horrible and I can’t sleep because I feel so guilty.

When I was young, I had a family member who’d lock me in closets, keep food from me and keep me in the bathroom with her as punishment whenever she’d babysit. I developed a lot of trauma there to begin.

11, my cousin passed away. We were so close and it was one of the worst feeling ever. An emptiness that wouldn’t feel right if it was gone. About a year later, I started to recover. I was doing better and had got over my depression for the most part.

Then, I was at a waterpark with my friend and her older brother (who used to be a friend of mine) cornered me. He violated me and no one noticed. When I got in the car to go home, he sat in front of me and just smiled. I lost any sense of safety but I didn’t tell anyone for about a year. Whenever he’d see me, he’d comment on my body or harass me. Sometimes put hands on me.

I started to develop an eating disorder as my way of control. If I can’t control what other people to me, I can at least control what I put in my body. Not only that, but apart of me just wants to look repulsive. Just so disgusting that no one will ever look or touch me again. I fear it’s working.

Apart of me is so scared of what’s happening but another part of me is excited to lose all of this and have a feeling of control again. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I just needed to scream into the void…

My mom knows I have AN. She’s super sweet and I love her but I’ve been so frustrated with her. Every day, she texts me, asking if I need to talk. Every time I’m quiet, she goes “If you need to talk, I’m here.” She makes everything about food and gives me extra attention. I know she’s trying to help but I don’t want to be treated like I’m going to fall apart. I want to be treated like a normal person. It doesn’t help that I’ve been on a horrible mood constantly because I’m hungry. I know she’s trying to help, but it’s making things worse and I’ve tried to tell her but then I get lectured about respect.

My mom bought me some stuff and she said to get the last thing, I have to hug her. I was in a particularly bad mood because I’ve been restricting so long, and she kept telling me that if I want it, I have to hug her. I truly, truly hate physical contact, considering how much I dislike my body. I told her no and to please stop, but she kept telling me. I just sat down on the couch and just said “Whatever, I don’t want it anymore.” I do feel bad, but I told her to please stop multiple times.

I already know what it is. I asked her earlier for paint because I’m an artist and ever since I developed my eating disorder, I lost all interest, so I wanted to try to pick it up again. She knows this and still refuses to give it to me until I hug her.

It’s about 2am right now and I just cannot sleep, but I’ve already consumed my limit. But I’m freezing. I just really need someone to tell me that it’s okay to help me feel less guilty

Edit: I did it! It was really yummy and I feel really proud and I got some decent sleep for the first time in a while. Y’all are the sweetest. Thanks so much for the encouragement!

I developed my ED after I was taken advantage of by my friend and he’d say some horrible stuff about my looks. It’s my way of controlling something because I’m so scared I’ll lose it again. I told someone because I knew something was horribly wrong with my thoughts when eating became more of a chore, that I would instantly regret. Every morning, moving feels difficult and something as simple as climbing up the stairs feels grueling and like theirs weights on my legs. But now my mom and therapist are trying to get me to get better and I don’t want to. Not anymore. It makes me feel empowered when I feel that weight in my stomach. But I know it’s hurting me, but it makes me feel better…