Jealous of other victims
When I was 11, I liked my classmate and he had the same feelings for me. The thing is, he had a porn addiction while I had no idea what even a handjob was.
I was young and dumb. For a long time, I thought that what we had was normal and that's just what people who like eachother do. So while I didn't want to, I had this kind of "that's what adults in relationship do, so there is no harm in doing it if he wants it so badly." mindset.
I thought that it will get better with time – but it's getting worse. I'm looking back at younger kids and realising "damn, no way I was having sex at that time." The older I get, the more I realise how young I actually was. I am jealous of people who were younger and even more clueless than I was.
I'm jealous of people who got raped and got to cry and fight back during it. I was talked over, helped with getting into the position, stripped naked and even got a kiss and cuddles after he was done with me. He knew that I didn't want to do it, so he'd negotiate by setting a timer on for a few minutes. After that, he'd stop. Not once did he cum, and strangely enough, that makes me really upset. He just tried it out, along with more things, like I was some sort of testing dummy.
I know that i am not the first or last person do feel like this. I have never told anyone about it and have been carrying for a long time without telling anyone. Will it get better? I've never really dared to call it rape, is it?