Lost everything to lust.
Me and a person were talking with the intentions of marriage, it was going well I’d told my parents they told theirs, the only caveat was we both need to graduate university first and I obviously need to be a little stable as the one entering the marriage. But cuz of this addiction I started saying stuff that wasn’t the best… and at first it was a little fun, eventually they snapped out of it repented and told me to stop but at that point I started thinking it was tied to how much they liked me. I eventually did stop talking to them in that way but none of my convos seemed genuine to them anymore. And I was still masturbating in secret. Eventually they fully left cuz all I could think abt was if they liked me or not when they made it clear they did they just didn’t make it their whole personality like I did when they literally started liking me for who I was in the first place, I lost myself completely and I blame my lust for all of it. Constantly thinking about people constantly masturbating and the only personality trait I had left was chasing dopamine. It’s been about 2 months now, and I don’t think I’ve changed so much in this short amount of time before, I truly loved this person for their personality which is the part I regret most. Out of all the things I could’ve focused on, I let my lust take control with a person who’s so much more than any lustful thoughts. I’ve changed a lot but lust… I can’t beat my lust, everytime I get bored I somehow end up opening Reddit or twitter for “just a peek” and it ends in me having to do ghusl when I shouldn’t even be thinking about looking at anyone that way. I lost a person who I loved dearly with my whole heart and lost my entire personality to this. I feel it was god’s way of showing me that they didn’t deserve someone who had wandering eyes like mine. I used to pray to have them and now I pray to be made the person deserving of them. And I’ve improved a lot. Except this stupid sin that I hate with every fibre of my being. Please any advice on how to stop it. I am tired of it, I don’t wanna lose more to it and I pray god brings them back to me once I’ve finally beaten this stupid thing. I know this sounds so pathetic and honestly…. I am, ik I am, so how do I unpathetic myself 😭
Affected other things too, every time I sit to study for a while I end up doing it, sometimes I am about to go to the gym cuz I am a little overweight and I’ll do it and not go anymore, missed some prayers cuz it would’ve looked suspicious showering 3 times in one day close to each other. It has made me lose the ability to do anything challenging and I am at my wits end. Every second of the day I am regretting losing that person cuz I couldn’t control my lust, all I can think about is if I just didn’t talk like that so many problems I caused wouldn’t have happened. If I just didn’t train my brain to lust so much since the age of 11. I try so hard to be respectful of the other gender and I am, I feel like such an imposter when I am alone and my phones in my hand looking at the other gender I claim to respect so much.