u/SweatyPurple6450

(This might be a little bit too long.. lol but there's just so many things that I need to say outloud after what I've experienced yesterday. Also apologizes for any grammatical mistake. English is not my first language)

I feel like I (19F) have struggled with difficult feelings over the past 7 years. I've always had these ups and downs where I would feel like life doesn't have a point and could not see myself thriving in the future, but they would usually last for not that long so I never really took care of it/talked about it with anyone until fairly recently, after I started therapy sessions. I guess the last two years have been the most difficult for me, after moving to a different country on my own for college when I wasn't mentally ready for it yet. Even less at such a young age.

I feel like I had spiraled into a state of desperation too without even noticing. Where I live weed is legal, so for months now I've been eating edibles or smoking daily and I was tired. It helped me quiet my brain and laugh about the silly things in life, but then I would do nothing at all, and the next day I'd feel like I had wasted so much time. I'd feel disgusted with myself. But then the cycle would not stop even if I tried. I guess I was (am) just addicted. Don't get me wrong, I am a fully functional person.'My friends, family and coworkers think I am completely fine and happy with life.

A couple days ago I bought shrooms without even thinking twice. I had read that shrooms can sometimes rewire your brain and help with anxiety and depression, and show you a new path of life. I thought this might save me from the hole I was now consciously and slowly falling into (it might've had, just not in the nice way i expected), so I could start being productive and take proper care of myself. My friend, let's call her Lily (19F) came that night and we ate them.

They came in little chocolates. The package said that 5-8 pieces would give you a "therapeutic" trip. She ate 6, and I ate the remaining 7 pieces (absolutely no pun intended). Because I had experience with weed already I knew the whole ordeal of letting go and enjoying the experience so she trusted me, and I even bought lemon juice and some sweets in case it went bad (because YT videos recommended that). I wanted to make Lily feel safe as well because it was me who offered the idea. Needless to say she had the best fucking time of her life and I went through one of my lowest nights ever.

30 minutes in, my body was tingly. I kept thinking "it's whatever, just embrace it", but the tingling in my chest and pressure would not leave. I was uncomfortable in my own body, there was a butterfly feeling in my stomach and I was also somewhat nauseous. It only kept getting worse from then on. I was trying so so hard to mentalize myself that it was already done, if I was going to go through these effects I might as well just relax and enjoy it, but my body wasn't really getting the message. The nausea would come in waves. We had a speaker playing Tame Impala so loud and honestly I think that might've made it worse.

45 minutes in and we started hallucinating pretty much. The ceiling was moving like quicksand and shining in different colors. The room started distorting itself, I even took a quick walk around the department and it felt as if I was on a simulation, it was insane. It looked as if my apartment was built with sloppy AI. I was fighting the nausea so bad when I got back into the bed. I tried to sleep but my head would not shut up, there was a lot happening all at once. The music was so so loud too, so I put my noise cancellation headphones in without any music to muffle it out. It helped a little, but I still was feeling like shit.

I don't know how much time must've had passed by then, but at some point I stood up and decided to go to the bathroom to throw up so I could "sleep at peace". It was the most bizarre experience of my life. I was manically laughing while looking at my face in the mirror after throwing up the chocolates in the sink. I looked so out of it, but I wasn't scared of the image, I was amazed. My pupils were so dilated and I looked crazy lowkey. I think I was a bit euphoric. I splashed my face with water and went back to the room (my friend was still looking at the ceiling and enjoying the music). When I got in the music triggered me again very badly, and the euphoria went away. I turned everything off and told her to put headphones on, then I fell on the bed. I tried to sleep again, could not. And honestly the feeling in my chest and belly was starting to make me distressed. I wasn't scared of "dying", I just didn't feel comfortable in my own body. I went to the living room and sat on the corner of my sofa, and called one of my male friends. This is where I hit rock bottom. We'll call him Fran (19M).

I was really scared, as that yucky feeling only kept rising and rising. I felt crazy crazy and almost as if I had taken a hardcore drug and I was overdosing slowly (I knew I wasn't). I called him it was probably 11pm or 12am. I did it because he was the only person I could think of that had the freedom to just go out late at night without consequences or questions, so I knew (or thought) that if I needed help he would come. If I'm being honest, my first choice would've been a different friend that I KNOW would've come right away, but his parents wouldn't have let him (and it's not like I wanted the adults to know I was on shrooms either, which he would've probably said to be able to come to the apartment). I asked him right away how fast he could get here, that I think we did something stupid and I'm really not liking this. That's all I kept saying but he would not get it. I wanted to sleep so bad to quiet everything but my brain would not shut up. And this motherfucker kept laughing between words and telling me to not sleep or "i would die".

I cannot explain the rage I felt in that moment. I don't know if he was joking or not, either way I didn't believe I would actually die but I was panicking because he was not listening, I was terrified, could barely speak and exist and this imbecile of a friend goes on to mock my desperation. I know it might've been a silly situation to be in, maybe it did seem funny as an outsider, but I just kept thinking how this other friend wouldn't have even questioned my words and would've come right away. I just needed someone. (And I didn't really want to panic Lily either. She was really having a nice time, and I didn't want to worry her. She even came to the living room during the call but I told her to go back to the room with the last bits of strength I had).

I kept asking him to come, because I knew he was capable of. He kept asking me what do I want him to do either way and I couldn't verbalize very well because I was fighting the nausea, but in my mind I was like I don't fucking care. I just need a sober person right now because I'm terrified of this feeling. The conversation tone turned a bit darker, I could feel it in my soul and should've known it wasn't good by the tone of his voice. He said "how much do you want me to come right now", and I kept saying "a lot" with whatever strengths I have. I was crying at that point, and this idiotic human being that I thought was my friend says, very low "and then what? you're gonna give me a kiss?".

I felt my whole pressure drop. It took me a couple seconds to realize what he had said, and it disgusted me to the core. I just couldn't believe that at my lowest point in life I was asking for help and this person I considered a close friend thought I wanted to make out. Not even that, but he has a girlfriend (long-distance) who's also one of my closest friends. I stopped, almost sobered up, and told him word by word: "Are you serious? I call you while I'm having one of the worst trips in my life and the only thing you can say to me is that?" To which he replied in the dumbest voice "what did you hear?". I wanted to throw my phone away. I hanged up.

Now, I guess people could argue that I was very high and could've listened to the wrong thing, but I know what I heard. It was the sobering up, the disgust in my stomach, my corporal shock, the slow realization. The fucking tone of his voice and then his attempts to gaslight me (he has a tendency to do that). I wasn't having auditory illusions either. Even if it wasn't that, he still betrayed me in one of my most desperate moments ever so that was enough for me to block him from everything.

I sat there in the sofa for what felt an eternity. Every time I thought about how this person I considered my friend really thought of me that way instead of worrying or caring for me would demoralize me more and more. It had me rethinking my life. I was so desperate that I even thought of calling the providers/coworkers at the clinic I work at because I needed to be told I was going to be okay. I kept thinking of people I could call, friends, coworkers, family members that would not snitch, and all the options that would come to mind I knew they were not going to come. I realized I had no one in my life who I could rely on for anything.

I cried silently for probably an hour or so. I even had conversations in my mind with each option of people that came to mind, imagining what they would do and how they'd console me, and then I would feel 10x even worse because I knew that'd never happen. Then my brain started talking to me, telling me to realize what I've been trying to overlook for so long. I'm not happy with my life, I'm alone, I need help. I'm in a very dark moment and should look for support and accept it instead of pretending I'm fine.

At around 1am I basically sobered up from the ugly and panicky effects, but I was still emotionally shocked and sensitive. I was also not sleepy at all, and I think I went into a manic episode and started doing my skincare while telling myself in the mirror that I would take care of "you". Almost as if my brain and my heart were two separate identities, and my brain was promising my heart that I'd start taking care of my body and soul, but to just hold on for a little longer. I felt like two different people were talking to each other in that moment.

I guess I've always been ashamed of telling this to my therapist, because I don't want to sound "cliche" or like if I had self diagnosed myself. But this is the very first time that I feel like going on a call with her and saying out loud that I'm depressed in life. In some way I think I just took a big step forward by accepting that mere fact, but the whole circumstances were awful.

Small funfact: Fran did end up driving here an hour later after I blocked him from everything. An hour late, of course. Late as always. I didn't tell Lily anything about that call but I told her to not let him in to the apartment. She was feeling really good and I didn't want to start any drama, so she went with him to eat ice creams. I said I'd just stay at home.

I don't encourage the use of it, but if it ever comes the moment anyone reading this wants to try shrooms, don't do it while desperately looking for something to save or give meaning to your life. In my case I do think it helped me in someway, but the experience itself was terrifying and I don't think I'll ever do any substance ever again. Lol

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