u/Sweetnessnease22

my mother is super smart.

i suffered infant abuse at her hands.

as soon as i could I’ve been putting distance between us. I’m a grown ass person with kids.

i feel she is chasing me wanting to have me and my humanity by her side when she dies.

she bought a house near me without asking me.

my therapist says even if she’s close I can say no which I will.

this person who hurt me so bad.

who should have been a source of warmth

is not only not leaving me alone or helping me I feel she’s hunting me wanting my hard earned humanity.

this is after 15 yrs talk therapy and now 3 yrs of trauma therapy and I’m finally getting my body back.

this is an insane crazy person.

i just want to be left alone!!!!!!!

looking for empathy re supposedly warm person is like pure evil

dear lord my good parent is a child

he could have helped me and he did not see my suffering.

ive been fawning towards him my whole life.

fuck that. it was a fine visit. my nervous system learned a lot. he’s never been safe either.

finally he’s gone and my digestive system starts up again. luckily he’s many states away so I wont see him for months.

We rightfully talk a lot about the struggle.

what does the recovered life look like?

for me I’ve been using substances since i was young.

so I think sobriety is a signal for me. I’m one year (15 days shy) of a year without drinking.

still rely heavily on cannabis which I love.

but I want to show my kids I can live sober.

i promised no harsh hard goals for the first 2 years without alcohol.

sobriety means I can handle it. I guess it means I believe that I can handle it.

Sobriety means a life I don’t need to escape from.

ive been putting myself in the “less than” camp my whole life. I also fight for the less fortunate as a back handed way of fighting for myself. interesting.

want to feel equal to all.

then I can come back to FOO relationships and hold some stature.

i guess recovery for me means I can hold the boundaries needed while I build myself up and learn to take care of and listen to my syatem.

then I can feel my own body as equally important as the other body I’m dealing with.

wicked codependent.

has anyone read “fawning”?

I’m finally ready to run on food and water instead of caffeine and cannabis.

im slowly adding hours of not using.

i have a trauma background. I’ve quit everything else. I have a career and a family. I use to mange my nervous system.

now with 3 yrs of good trauma therapy I’m starting to make progress adding good habits and running out of time to use. such as teeth care 2x a day, meds and a shake before 9.

i will take any and all help or pointers i can get.

for part of me weed is the only gift or acknowledgment we get and that part does not want to give up this “treat.”