i opened so many boxes n only got 1 strawberry ducky lmao. will look at all offers n will also make neons/megas if asked nicely :3 what i am lf specifically is below tho!
i am looking for more strawberry duckies but i also rly need merhorses, purrowls n rocks/evil rocks! i am a merhorse/rock/evil rock collectorrr n i'm tryna make 1 mega purrowl (need 10 more) c:
started having a random panic attack/flashback (not sure which?) and ended up forgetting the first half of our session and feeling entirely off for the rest of it. i don't feel like my switches are usually that abrupt and scary for me, but being in what felt like a new environment and scared that i would get hurt made me stay entirely silent until i finally got my bearings about myself again. it wasn't planned, it was sudden, and it was kind of one of my worst fears. i remember trying very hard to keep myself composed until i just broke and cried and that's about all i remember now. we ended up building legos for the second half of the session, but even that is a horrible blur now
i'm not looking for advice, i'm looking for comfort. today has felt so blurry and dreary, especially with the rainy weather and not being able to go on my usual walk to decompress after sessions. i've just been playing video games and listening to music to drown out the noise in my head
idk why but i just feel suicidal nearly constantly. i try so hard to distract and block the thoughts out with loud music but it's like it won't stop. i end up having a screaming match in my head until i start crying irl and everything goes silent after a few hours and i can finally sleep. i'm so tired of this cycle of screaming at myself until i hit a nerve and it finally stops. i don't want to hurt myself but part of me does and it's getting to an almost breaking point where that part is gaining more control and might actually attempt something. i don't want to go inpatient because i've been abused in those situations and it feels less safe than just trying to continue my life like nothing is happening. i'm tired.
tw for suicidal ideation.
i'm not killing myself, but i want to be able to say that is what i am doing. that's just not an option for me anymore though. i just need to sit here in this perpetual state of suicidality, knowing in the end that is not an option for me. the only thing i look forward to is seeing my therapist. nothing else matters in my life, but at least i have those two weekly appointments to keep me afloat until i feel this life is manageable once more. my days are a blur, my body aches, but i persist for no reason other than i must. i have no will, i have no purpose, but i will continue until i do. i just wish it could happen faster.
this disorder is hell, and i don't want to be here.
is it possible to have flashbacks that never actually happened..? i have no idea if my brain made these things up or not. they feel very real. i don't want them to be real, please tell me this is possible
no matter how hard i try, i cannot ground myself in the present. i'm not disconnected from reality, more just.. disconnected from the date, i feel like i'm back in middle school. i'm supposed to be 22 :(
i feel so scared, i've been in therapy for maybe a month? and i think it's just taking a massive toll emotionally. i'm struggling, i feel so disconnected, i don't know how to feel "here" again
i want to curl up and cry but i don't even feel safe enough to do that in my current place. i don't feel safe with the people i live with, so i can't do anything too noticeable to cope. i can't drive, i don't know how to. my other parts do
i'm just anxious, and scared, and as badly as i want to be in the present, i can't get myself to recognize it :( i'm sad, and i can't do anything but hide it
pls don't give advice for grounding. i've tried everything. i am trying, it's not working. and i don't want to bother my therapist, it's a weekend, and i don't trust normal hotlines. i don't know those people, they don't feel safe either. nothing helps
i feel nauseous, i feel sick. i am not currently diagnosed with DID but i have been seeking treatment for a dissociative disorder. my therapist wrote in the notes of my symptoms that she is currently assessing and confirming whether i have DID specifically rather than another CDD. i feel awful. confronting your reality is fucking terrifying. i feel broken, i feel scared, she shouldn't even know all of this information she has on me but she does? i don't want to do this process anymore, i don't want to know the truth. i want to run, i want to leave, this feels so unfair. it's all happening too fast. please let me leave, please let me go back to pretending things are fine.
i have diagnosed C-PTSD. is it normal to just.. not know nearly all of your childhood? i have bits and pieces, but i can't piece it together even knowing those bits and pieces. i know how i was abused, but not the details. or at least sometimes i don't? it's confusing. is this normal with C-PTSD?
i also have very bad identity confusion, to the point i often do not feel like myself, and feel as if i am being puppeted. i have identities that i prefer to take on during these times, some being female and others being male. i go from loving my body to downright hating it. i go from enjoying my outfits to not understanding why i wear some of them. i've had red hair for about a year now, but oftentimes i find myself wanting to redye, and then backtracking and deciding i like it again.
i've genuinely thought people have pretty much been constantly lying to me all of the time. i think i'm just forgetting what they tell me more often than i thought. i get mad at them and tell them they need to "stop lying to me all the time", and they just act confused and get mad back because i'm genuinely accusing them of something that is basically improbable. i don't think people are always lying to me, i don't think people are hiding things from me, i'm just forgetting. it sucks. i don't want to live like this, i don't want this to be my reality
i know there's probably not a straightforward answer for this one, but i'll shoot my shot
an ex friend/partner reached out to me today, and the host decided to rekindle the friendship we had with them. i really don't think this was a good idea, and want to set the record straight that i don't want to be friends
this person hasn't necessarily hurt us directly other than cuting us off abruptly. their message today was them apologizing for doing that. what i got from that message was a lot of pushing the blame onto someone else who "forced" them to cut me off, rather than taking full accountability. we had another completely unrelated ex who did the exact same shit like 4 years ago, they pushed accountability onto an unnamed "abuser", and that ended up a dumpster fire. i'm not comfortable with reliving that
the issue i'm having is that i know "i'll" end up angry at "myself" and depressed if i do this. i should just bite the bullet and get it over with, the sooner the better, less pain to deal with. but i'll have so much internal conflict with "myself", it almost doesn't feel worth the fight. and this person is much different than that other ex, maybe i can still make it work?
either way, i feel like i won't be happy in or out of the friendship. save myself the heartache and agree to not be friends. i just don't know how to deal with the internal conflict without possibly letting the host cause harm over it, towards ourselves or outsiders. it feels like there's no winning
is there any way i can go about this without upsetting my other parts? i already feel so disconnected from them even holding this opinion, but i have a duty to keep us safe
