u/TXAnimalDoctor

I (31F) have been dating my current boyfriend (39M) for 2 years. We started talking as I was going through a divorce and he was coming out of a long term relationship. Communication and conflict resolution has been the biggest hurdle. I get anxious with conflict and want it resolved immediately. He gets quiet and likes to wait until things cool down to talk about it, but wasn’t always good at communicating those space needs initially and would just go silent. We have mostly worked through that and it’s been better. He is in general a very on guard person when it comes to trust. He doesn’t tolerate many things, and I think it makes me a little anxious like if I mess up then that’s it, it will be done.

I started doing BJJ about 8 months ago. I did my first two competitions and it was a little rough. A brown belt (37M) has been coaching me pro bono. He has lots of good advice, but has kind of been pushing me to take initiative and jump full on into training. My bf is a little skeptical of his intentions, but nothing has been off to me about any interactions. After class Monday night, we were talking because I was kind of thinking about quitting competing. He has been getting after me to figure out when to go over videos from my last competition. So after class I said let’s just go sit at a fast food place and watch the videos.

I always text my bf after class is over. But I didn’t. I went to meet my coach. He video called me when I got there, I thought it was an accident so hung up and messaged him instead. I told him what I was doing and with whom immediately. He went ghost after that. I finished my meeting, left, and tried to call him several times until he finally woke up. He said the way I handled it (not saying anything) was what made him mad. I said it was a last minute thing (and it was) and that I was just tired and didn’t think about it.

The next day he came over and things were a little weird. He left and we spoke on the phone and got on the subject again. He said he was still a little rattled. I told him I had been nervous to tell him beforehand that I was going to watch videos. So I changed my story and that has him upset 2.0. I get it. I own my communication was awful and it looks bad. I’m struggling because I know the coaching thing is professional, and that I am not doing anything inappropriate, but I still felt anxiety to tell him the truth because I was afraid he was going to be mad.

This morning we spoke briefly on the phone, I asked what he needed from me and he said he didn’t know. I asked if he needed space and he said he just wouldn’t be very talkative right now. I said have a good day and I love you and he said the same.

At this point I’m ready to just give up BJJ and focus just on the relationship. But I don’t know if there’s going to be a relationship to focus on after this.

What is the best way to continue resolving this? Give him space?

I (31F) have been dating my current boyfriend (39M) for 2 years. We started talking as I was going through a divorce and he was coming out of a long term relationship. Communication and conflict resolution has been the biggest hurdle. I get anxious with conflict and want it resolved immediately. He gets quiet and likes to wait until things cool down to talk about it, but wasn’t always good at communicating those space needs initially and would just go silent. We have mostly worked through that and it’s been better. He is in general a very on guard person when it comes to trust. He doesn’t tolerate many things, and I think it makes me a little anxious like if I mess up then that’s it, it will be done.

I started doing BJJ about 8 months ago. I did my first two competitions and it was a little rough. A brown belt (37M) has been coaching me pro bono. He has lots of good advice, but has kind of been pushing me to take initiative and jump full on into training. My bf is a little skeptical of his intentions, but nothing has been off to me about any interactions. After class Monday night, we were talking because I was kind of thinking about quitting competing. He has been getting after me to figure out when to go over videos from my last competition. So after class I said let’s just go sit at a fast food place and watch the videos.

I always text my bf after class is over. But I didn’t. I went to meet my coach. He video called me when I got there, I thought it was an accident so hung up and messaged him instead. I told him what I was doing and with whom immediately. He went ghost after that. I finished my meeting, left, and tried to call him several times until he finally woke up. He said the way I handled it (not saying anything) was what made him mad. I said it was a last minute thing (and it was) and that I was just tired and didn’t think about it.

The next day he came over and things were a little weird. He left and we spoke on the phone and got on the subject again. He said he was still a little rattled. I told him I had been nervous to tell him beforehand that I was going to watch videos. So I changed my story and that has him upset 2.0. I get it. I own my communication was awful and it looks bad. I’m struggling because I know the coaching thing is professional, and that I am not doing anything inappropriate, but I still felt anxiety to tell him the truth because I was afraid he was going to be mad.

This morning we spoke briefly on the phone, I asked what he needed from me and he said he didn’t know. I asked if he needed space and he said he just wouldn’t be very talkative right now. I said have a good day and I love you and he said the same.

At this point I’m ready to just give up BJJ and focus just on the relationship. But I don’t know if there’s going to be a relationship to focus on after this.

I’m kind of spiraling, so sorry for the long post. How should I handle this moving forward?