u/TakingBackTuesdayy

Im sure you guys might get this question a lot, but Ive very recently came back to Jesus.

Been on a crazy whirlwind of a spiritual adventure trying to discover what I truly believe.

I think I even believe some parts of the bible. Witchcraft though has been a big part of my life for 10 years now.

But some people say you can't have one without the other (the bible, and Jesus.) How do you guys deal with passages like Exodus, or Dueteronomy?

I just need to rant, and feel like I'm not alone. I'm so sick of my stupid brain.

I apologize if this post is long, I just feel like I need to get this out to someone so I don't lose my mind.

The people around me don't really understand because they don't have OCD.

I got diagnosed with OCD when I was 13. I have had numerous themes that grew exponentially worse as I got older.

I do want to say, I was born into Mormonism, and got baptized FLDS when I was 9. So religion was so heavily shoved down my throat I didn't even get to discover who I truly was or what I truly believed, Im 28 and I still dont know for sure to be honest.

Ofcoarse during my most nueroplasticity, I took the story of Adam and Eve, Joseph Smith, so literally I believed them like they were as real as the civil war.

(Im not trying to offend any Christians or Mormons I promise.)

But science obviously was not a big thing, it didn't hold significant importance beyond the basics that we were taught in school.

Eventually I parted ways with my life in the FLDS compound, and became Christian. I still deep down felt like I did truly believe in the FLDS religion. For years I questioned if I did the right thing or not, and was so afraid that I made the wrong choice. Also them telling me I was an apostate and that I would be damned to the eternal flame if I left definitely didn't help.

Then I came across the CES letter and it shattered my faith. It was a relief honestly in ways, but another part of me felt like the worst breakup I'd ever experienced.

But I still hung onto Christianity. I started dating an athiest and for the first time in my life started questioning things, and then I also became an atheist.

I was really depressed, some people say they felt relief after becoming athiest but that just was not the case for me.

I dont know if it's because my religious upbringing was so intense, but to me it never felt right.

I still held onto some spiritual element even though I was athiest because deep down that is truly who I am. I have always been a spiritual person, and honestly was never afraid of death in the slightest, it didn't even phase me.

But I figured if I found out what I did in the CES letter, maybe there is more I don't know. So I quickly took up an interest, borderline obsession with science. Briefly studied physics, and neuroscience.

Honestly I don't know what to believe anymore.

The fact that I will die and maybe also cease to exist kind of freaks me out a little, but my kids... and my husband... the fact that they will have to shake hands with death one day.

There may come a day where I only get to see those sweet faces one last time, or hug my husband one last time.

One day I'll have to face the inevitable oblivion, or the inevitable whatever the hell is on the other side.

For the first time in my life, Im scared.

It's so hard for me to clean, little things I used to enjoy like my skin care routine, or baking, I just can't anymore. I don't recognize this version of myself, the hopeless version of who I am not is just so foreign to me.

Before you say anything, I know I need a therapist. Im currently looking for one.

Im ruminating so much that when I do it I don't even realize Im doing it. When I realize Im doing it I tell myself to atleast give myself a 3 day break to collect my thoughts, look at things really critically, ask myself "what do I believe?" and stop reading arguments between Christians, or agnostics, or atheists, because there are so many different answers it becomes so overwhelming.

Like a constant emotional whiplash. You have relief one moment and then the next someone brings a new argument to the table and then in an instant it's gone.

It's such an exhausting cycle.

I don't want to part ways with my spirituality just yet.

That part of me is so sacred to me, I have always held some form of there is more to me than this physical woman, or the beauty of how we're all connected more than just what we can see in this physical dimension.

That spiritual side, call it blind faith or whatever, has always been apart of me, and I love that version of her, whether Im being delusional or not.

So I don't want to lose it completely, not just yet...

Needless to say Im exhausted, beyond exhausted.

But honestly I feel a little better after getting this all out.

Whether someone reads or not, just putting it into words, allowing all of this tension to escape my brain for a second definitely felt like a slight weight lifted because I genuinely don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my life about this.

I've been doing so good with my mental health for a long time, and my family were all so proud of me, I dont want to disappoint them.

I hope I'm not alone in this, I feel like I sound crazy as hell.

But yeah, that's it I guess.

Curious what happened that changed your mind? I've been studying physics and neuroscience and learned that EMF can cause people to experience hallucinations, and "paranormal experiences." I may be atheist now, even though I don't want to be, but witchcraft has been a really big passion of mine for years and years now. I haven't really practiced, which I definitely should. What did you guys experience that switched your belief into something more than just materialistic belief, one that was profound? I want to believe again but it's hard so Id love to hear some stories.

This was a pretty hard pill for me to swallow, but I went down a crazy science and neuroscience rabbit hole for the past week.

I felt some things could be explainable even in science. I still wanted to try to believe.

But I guess the nail in the coffin was from a video of a nueroscientist explaining how the electromagnetic field can affect your brain to experience hallucinations, simulate haunting, and a feeling like there's a presence of someone in the room. It can even simulate a phenomena that if something happens to a loved one 100 miles away that you can sense it.

Also the second law of thermodynamics kind of did it for me.

I had hemorrhaged with my daughter and went under for surgery.​ The reason I started having these questions is because I literally experienced what it was like to not exist. I was unaware of everything. I thought it was pretty crazy that if there were a soul, I dont know how conciousness could just be turned off like that.

I still go back and forth but I think I have my conclusion, which sucks, but I dont know what to think and I've tried to turning to all types of believing friends and even reached out to a Christian chat and no one can answer me.

Ive been atheist once before and I really didn't want to become one again but here we are.