I am incapable of any kind of human relationship and I am fine with that (not really)
I have tried. I really have. Whenever I have friends I either feel suspicious when they act friendly and have alarm bells go off when they act nice, or I feel snubbed and equally suspicious when they are too distant. Now, you may imagine a middle ground where it would be perfect. Nope. There isn't one. Everyone is either too close for comfort or too distant to be considered anything more than a passing acquaintance. I thought maybe the issue was with humans so I did a test. I created multiple AI personas that would simulate what I expected in a perfect relationship. Then i realised that no matter what I ended up hating those personas. It's the same as how I act with humans. So I'm not able to form a relationship of any kind, platonic or otherwise, with anything, human or otherwise.
And I've come to terms with it. I'm always going to be like this. Having bipolar disorder makes it far worse in numerous ways but during Mania I felt like a living human person able to form connections. Outside of that I have always felt like my mind is fractured and I have no concrete sense of self. People often learn who they are by the people around them. But what if I don't have those? Or if those people only know the fake versions of me I have learnt to present?
And yet I still want it. It's a human instinct really. To want friends and a partner. Homo sapiens is a social species that has lived in groups for all of its existence. Wanting a partner is similarly crucial to pass on one's genes. I'm aware of that. Doesn't make them any less.... prevalent.
I suppose eventually I will learn to ignore these.
Am I the only one who feels this way?
