u/TaperedYoga

Apologies for the length ahead of time, I just need advice.

My husband and I have been together for over 15 years. We are high school sweethearts and started trying for a baby in early 2020 after almost a year of marriage. This resulted in me being diagnosed with a thyroid disorder, multiple miscarriages, fertility treatments and years of struggles before we finally found the reason for my fertility struggles. I underwent surgery to remove a large fibroid (through cesarean means) as it was too large for them to go through laparoscopically.
Less than a year later I was pregnant and had my son. Pregnancy was insanely easy, no symptoms, health issues, etc but I did have to have a planned cesarean due to the previous surgery.

I’m now a SAHM of a two year old and in a state with no family to help. We co sleep, he’s attached to my hip, I’m on tretinoin for acne, GLP-1’s to help me lose weight and aside from the typical toddler struggles, I love the ease of my life. I love being able to do things with my son whenever I feel like it, get up and go to a store or park, sleep pretty much 7-8 hours a night with minimal waking, doing things to my body (like the above mentioned, Botox, tattoo’s, vain stuff I suppose). My husbands job is very demanding, but when he is home he is very hands on and a great spouse/father. Financially we are doing fine, which is a huge blessing in this day in age, and have been able to do light travel and make plans for more so our son can experience things that we didn’t get the chance to do when we were little (or even as adults). The things I have said above are extremely selfish on my behalf, I know. But I also want my child to never have to grow up worrying like we did. I want to spoil him, go to all of his events, be apart of his school stuff, buy him things because we can afford it and go adventure the world because with one, we can.

I have had one miscarriage since my son, but it was a chemical (super early). I found out I was pregnant a few days ago and the line is only getting darker. I always wanted at least two, my husband would be okay with a baseball team, but now I’m not sure I want more than the one I have. I don’t want to start all over again, give up the things that make me happy for the pregnancy and breastfeeding journey, and possibly not fly out to see friends and family for god knows how long because I’m not flying solo with a toddler and infant. But at the same time, I loved being pregnant, the newborn, the idea of my son having a sibling if something happens to us and know that the struggles of two little together is so temporary. My son is my everything though. He always wants me to play with him and at the end of the day, vanity aside (can you tell this is a big thing for me? 🙄), I don’t want him to have to share my attention. I struggle with the idea of loving another baby as much as I love him. I have read so many posts where people say that your love grows and the first born will be fine, but I genuinely cannot wrap my head around the fact that I’d have to love another human the way I love this one.

I just need advice or stories. I am still very early, so I have teetered on the idea of terminating.

Edit to add: I did suffer from post partum OCD and anxiety. I don’t know if I can handle the constant thoughts of “did they make it through the night” or the teaching them to eat (was constantly terrified of choking incidents that never happened).