u/Task_force_delta

I feel much much older than I am. I haven’t even finished high school yet I feel like an old man remembering my past. I remembering like it was all those years ago but it wasn’t it was less than a year ago. I keep feeling like I’ve moved on but I keep finding myself feeling like I’m about to cry. Nothings wrong and I’ve moved on and am happy now so why do I still feel this way.

I posted this somewhere else a while ago but it was always meant to help people so I’m now realizing I should post it to a couple more relevant places. Be warned this is not a story for the faint of heart. As sad as it may seem throughout most of it the story is not a tragedy but one of hope. This is the story of my life

When I was 13 my mother was diagnosed with melanoma it quickly got worse and spread through a good amount of her body but even with this at the time I didn’t feel sorry for her or afraid that she was going to die. You see my mother has always had this habit where whenever things become stressful she becomes extremely and over controlling. She would constantly order me around which made sense as she couldn’t do all of it herself but I noticed she both wanted more chores done by me then what used to got done and my sister shared very little of the burden. I grew to resent her for this. She’s always been a bit of a narcissist but she got much worse during the cancer. I had other issues though much more pressing ones. She got cancer over the summer but once school started up everything got much worse. I have always had a mind that works fairly differently to others I have been diagnosed with ADHD and IED(intermittent explosive disorder which basically means I anger easily and get very angry and have a hard time controlling it though I had managed to get it mostly under control by this time) but during this time I didn’t want people to know about my pain and how much it affected so I split my personality and emotions between two modes public and private. When in public or where there are other people I know around I had a completely separate personality then if I didn’t. This caused two major problems one I became even less capable of dealing with my emotions in a healthy manner or even at all the second I got home I’d be overcome with a large amount of sadness. The second major problem was that this second personality wasn’t a good one it was mostly fine around adults but around the people who were my friends I would constantly make inappropriate jokes and it got bad enough that they were going to kick me out. I was extremely depressed and lonely at school I was a different person and at home I was constantly being bossed around this resulted in a very bad sleep schedule where I would stay up far to late cause the only time I had for myself was very late at night. Honestly back then even though I had friends the person who interacted with them wasn’t me. I had nothing. When summer started I decided to kill myself but I had to be smart about it so I couldn’t be stoped I was going to tie an extension cord around my neck and hang myself during one of my sisters softball games so I would be home alone I thought about it for a little over a month I’m pretty sure I would have done it if it wasn’t for my saving grace the person I owe my life to. One day I had forgotten I’d invited someone over my room was a mess and so was I. I woke up to the sound of my dad yelling to me that my friend had come over so I jumped out of bed to get ready which didn’t take long since I had slept in clothes. What I hadn’t counted on was her being there. My friend took along a girl that I didn’t really know but from the moment she met me she had a crush. God knows why I was in complete disrepair and my social life was down the toilet I was only friends with that guy cause he had also long been an outcast. But that girl saw something in me that I will forever be grateful for. We started hanging out and playing games together she was perfect and for once I was happy. We started dating and it was perfect. Then her parents found out that I had done something I shouldn’t have and we weren’t allowed to see each other anymore. A couple months later she broke up with me. She still loved me the same but her parents hated me and it drove a divide between us. That was the worst week of my life. I remember holding a knife to my neck and feeling no fear while doing it I felt I had nothing left to live for. I texted her though I said I missed her and asked what happened to us. She never wanted to break up with me she just saw it as the only option because we couldn’t really be together. But she went and told her parents that she loved me and that she was going to date me and how positive of an effect I had on her. We got back together and they lifted the not being able to see her ban. And by this time my mom had been diagnosed as cancer free. It was great for a while until the 4th of July. That was the day I knew that my father had died. That morning I was supposed to be in a parade but my dad was missing so my mom send me out into my yard to look for him(I live on a 12 acre farm) I went to check the farm and it had a note on it that told me to tell my mom to check her nightstand. I went back to the house and told her this. I still remember the pain on her face and her saying over and over again that it must be a dream. I remember my sister being concerned and asking if he was alive. I remember my mother not responding. My dad had maxed out every credit card and savings account we had we weren’t just broke but were in a lot of debt. He knew however that he had life insurance policy so he intended to kill himself so we could collect it and pay off the debt. That day I remember reading that letter and knowing for that he was dead. I remember my mom breaking down on the phone with 911. The pain the air was palpable. It was 30 excruciating minutes before the cops showed up and I found out he hadn’t gone through with it. My hands still shake when I think about it and there’s a pain in my heart. A few months later though and I’m doing better he’s out of rehab me and that girl have celebrated our 1 year anniversary together. And even though that pain will never fully be behind me that is something I know how to carry with me. I’m still healing but I’m happy and hopeful of the future I look forward to waking up every day that old personality is long gone and my social life is flourishing. After a long time in the dark tomorrow is bright. It gets better.

I’ve done a lot of searching for mods for this blaster and I can’t really find any. I already have the spring kit from dart zone but it’s now really hard to prime, I was trying to find some kind of vertical forgrip but I can’t find anything at all. Does anyone know of any?