u/Technical-Citron-996

I’m sorry. I’m not handling this well. I’m aching for your comfort. It’s times like now, when I feel helpless, when I feel heartbreak, and when I feel scared and uncertain; it’s right now that I need you more than ever… And you’re not here; you can't be here. I want to close my eyes and teleport back to that blue couch with my head nestled in your hair, to the night we were in the Sierra Madres watching the city, or when we would drive around LA holding hands. I’ve never felt more peace and comfort than in those moments; I’ll cherish them, and hopefully more, for the rest of my life. All I want is to hear your voice tell me that it's going to be okay. You are so much more to me than just my girlfriend. You’re my best friend, my confidant, my support, my motivation and my inspiration.You’ll be all those things until the day I die. 

You are a massive part of my life. Throughout all of my time alone and in meaningless relationships I also started to become convinced that I was somehow cursed to not be married or loved. I think back to a year ago when we started talking more seriously, I heard what you said about how this is going to be hard but I didn’t want to listen, I didn’t want to believe it. I was taken by you, again. I was so struck, I started planning for a future together, it felt like the real deal this time. I started thinking about how I would talk to your son and how I would bond with him; I so badly want a relationship with him. I want us to be a family, I want us to have children of our own, I want to hang out with you and your brothers on family baseball days, I want to celebrate holidays with your family, and I want you to celebrate them with mine. I think about where we would live and when we would move in together. I want all of it. I think about getting the keys to our first “little house” and I think about how we’re going to decorate it, and I wonder what color it will be, and I think about how much room we’re going to need in the garage for a Kimchi fridge. It’s all a reality for me; and I can see us obtaining it sooner than we expect.

This isn’t all about me. I want to start by reiterating that you are one of the most intelligent, strong, tough, and capable women I’ve ever met. I admire the drive you have to keep going every day, waking up at 5 to balance two jobs, a household, and relationship. When I said you’re doing better than you think, I meant it. You’re an absolute force and please never think otherwise. I’ve noticed how you’ve been drifting farther away for a couple weeks and I kept wanting to believe it was because of the instability and stress in your life. I kept thinking to myself  “Okay, no worries, when her life calms down a little, things will get back to normal”. I want to apologize for that, I didn’t realize it was causing you this much pain. I know now that you are hurting more than I can comprehend. What you expressed to me about needing someone there, or at least having the option, hurts, but I understand. I wish so badly that our weekend plan would work out. I’ve wracked my brain over and over trying to find a solution. I feel selfish for holding out hope that you’ll change your mind. This is the hardest part to write because I still don’t think the reality of the situation has hit me. I don’t want to say goodbye. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I’m so sorry I’m making this harder than it needs to be. 

I think about this all the time… Two preteens who live 60 miles apart meet at Six Flags and develop a relationship over the phone and fall in love. They stay together for almost 5 years but break up. A few years later they find each other again and fall right back into place. They move on, they grow, they get older and wiser, yet it happens again and again. It doesn’t matter what the barrier between them is, they find each other over and over again. I don’t think it’s an accident. I also don’t think it doesn’t come without its challenges. True love, kindred spirits, soul mates; call it whatever, but I believe my home is with you. “Maybe we’ve lived a thousand lives before this one, and in each one of them we’ve found each other.” If you need me to wait for you, I’ll wait again and again and again. Our hearts always find their way home. I will always love you.