u/Technics4

For context I'm 15, Grade 10 Student and my dad is someone who I definitely wouldn't want to be like. first of all he was a playboy he had many girlfriends in his youth I'm not sure how many but from what I heard from my grandmother he definitely had many girlfriends of some sort, he got a scholarship as a electrician after my grandmother's master which she was working before as a maid in a house serving as a cook of a wealthy family give him that chance and what did he do? He didn't finish it.. like I dont get it at all like he had been given the opportunity to have a good and well paying job in the future and rise his family from poverty and yet he chose to do a bunch of jobs in malls or other stores and when he met his first wife they stayed in our house which before was still a bamboo house similar to that of a bahay kubo because we didn't have as much money before and I guess she had a toxic personality based on how much stories I had heard so I might be wrong on some since I didn't know the whole thing because this happened before I was born, anyways that toxic personality resulted in them having lots of fights and when she tooked my half sister when she was leaving the place after nag pa-blotter sya sa barangay, and she called our place " trash " and other harsh words and my grandmother fighted because of what she said and it made commotion inside and outside the house, and what did my dad do to stop the situation? none he didn't even try to stop it or even if he was away or was trying to meditate it at the time he should had take more measures to de-escalate it. And after he got married with my mother at first they had a pretty good relationship as they weren't as much fights and we were actually starting to live a more modest lives because of my mother and father working and always having a salary every month.

However that changed when their fights becomed more frequent because my mother had a pretty toxic personality as well not as toxic as my dad's first wife but she was always a fierce person and one that doesn't back down easily as she gets angry pretty quickly and that thing resulted in my mother taking with me with my younger brother and going to her cousins house were we stayed for a few months until she went back to our house and their relationship become more and more toxic until she seperated houses with him in 2019 where she rented out an apartment near her cousins house and even though she takes us with her every few weeks and he comes into the house i was starting to get affected by their constant fighting because at the same time I was also getting bullied in school, from grade 1 to 6 I was constantly getting bullied by my classmates for being weird and always being easily manipulated to lies and what they do and i felt like I was an oddball and I had very few friends and at times no friends at all I was socially isolated expect for my friends that I made before the pandemic but during and after the pandemic I was socially withdrawed and isolated like it just felt like it was hard to talk to people my mental state started to become worse as I entered Grade 6 like people would call me names make fun of me and they even called me " bulag " one time for not knowing where's my seat and even when my grandma stepped in told the teachers about this it didn't stop. it keep going until I changed schools in JHS as I got into a private school it still has affected me very much like i have thought of killing myself many times especially this JHS as I become more conscious of what I did before and how it started to effect more and I genuinely feel I was missing out on many things I had a pretty hard time making friends because I was depressed and socially isolated and withdrawed

well anyway, soon that fighting resulted in my dad cheating on her with another girl which was one of her old friends back from her youth and they were secretive about it calling eachother when my mom wasn't home or wasn't there and that all reached a boiling point when she found out about it because like I guess before my younger brother was born in 2016 he had already cheated on her with a girl from what I heard and they managed to resolve after arguing and fighting with eachother my parents actually tried to come back together when my grandfather died days before the lockdown started but my dad refused because his tired of it and thats when my parents seperated when I was 9 when she came to take us my dad didn't do nothing, like why? I don't why he did fight for us to keep us since at the time there was a decision yet on who would keep the custody of who like he didn't even try to talk to her to let him atleast visit us for atleast even once a month or even try to talk to us and at the time I felt sad and felt unhappy because I was so deeply connected to my grandmother because she had raised me from when I was born because my dad and mom were always away with work and she tooked care of me every single day and I even tried to escape from my mom when I told my dad to come pick me up because my mom wasn't there at the time she was at work but that failed and I got scolded, but she did let me go back to our house after a few months because I had to got school because I was grade 4 at the time, this also affected emotionally and mentally because I genuinely feel loss and hopeless after my mom tooked me away especially in the first day where I cried at night while all of them were asleep.

Now, this is where things just gets gutter deep bad like one of these instances is because I had pretty poor oral hygiene back then because I'd didn't brush my teeth as frequently and i was eating ice cream every day for a few months and sometimes I went a week without brushing which lead to my tooth easily my molars to get infected and decay. and even my I asked and almost begged my dad to atleast get it checked out and removed but when I told him about it he said they will check it out and he did nothing.. like how do you forgot it always like I have asked him about this several times and nothing has happened he only acted one time when we went to the hospital nearby since there was a available dental check up at the time and when he asked the guard and said that it was full he decided that he wouldn't try going back again and get his son's tooth problem checked out and when it got worse when three of my front toohs cracked and got chipped and infected he didn't do anything about to until a year ago when we got it checked it and the doctor said it can be saved if we got a root canal which is 5-6k pesos it depends but ofc he can't afford it. why? because he earns little to no money like my dad didn't even work harder to get my tooth problem fixed he just let my tooth rot than work harder and actually make our family a living like I didn't get my tooth removed until 2 months ago and got dentures that didn't even come from his own money my mom had to give me money for that and my self-esteem and self-confidence was just really bad I always avoided smiling and all that and don't get me started on the problem we had with our money.. like I genuinely don't even know what's going through his mind anymore because he was works at a car company as a sales executive and since his salary is heavily depend on how much car he sales he would work hard and go through many clients right? hell no he didn't do none of that and decided to just stay chill and especially recently because he only has managed to sell one car for this year and 2 cars last year like what.. it has come to the point where he has to ask my grandma for money to use to commute and I can't afford or buy my books so I had to resort to using my cousins books since she goes to the same school as me and his genuinely just lazy every time his girlfriend comes by like they just stay in bad and watch those k-dramas of theres and his girlfriend even scrubs his back when his sweaty that's just absolutely disgusting and he had the audacity to call me " nakaka pikon " because I wasn't following his phone curfew for me that every 10 I have to give my phone and that I was starting to fight back, I just hate my dad so much especially a few months ago when I just absolutely despised him like he can't even fucking pay the electric and wifi bills since my aunt pays for them and I really just feel bad for my grandmother because I can feel that she's just stopping herself from crying everytime she mentions that my dad can't get money and that she is being forced to loan from people she knows and she's having a hard time jugling between those things and my dad doesn't seem to care at all like his some sort of fucking prince like my aunt and grandmother had asked him and almost begged him to quit his job and find another because his currently 48 and his earning little to no money because he doesn't have an allowance or anything unless he sells which he gets a comission which he usually gets 5k or 10k which in today is barely even affording to keep a family afloat especially after a month or two with my tuitons and books all he does is go to work, go back home eat and sleep and repeat, I absolutely despise my dad even know there no doubt to it i wish he just died and go to hell sometimes like he doesn't seem to give a damn about our situation and this whole thing about money but this just goes to show you how truly bad my dad is. about our situation and this whole thing about money but this just goes to show you how truly bad my dad is. And the reason I never have talked or confessed to my dad about this whole thing is because I fear that he would just laugh at me because like everytime i show hints about it he would just makes jokes taking it was funny " I'm making it not too serious " my ahh I don't care what your purpose was but you don't know how much you made me suffered and just buried my problems like it was " not too serious " I always thought of just abandoning him when I grow up because we aren't his retirement plan to begin with I wouldn't want to see my child suffer the same fate as I did and I will partner them with love and support

I'm sorry if this is a bit confusing and not so clear like I always find it difficult to explain what I truly feel and how I express them it always feels like my mind is just blurry or fogging my genuine thoughts even though I'm mentally healthier than I was a few months ago the combination of all those has affected me significantly both mentally and emotionally. I absolutely wouldn't want to fall down his own footsteps I would rather jump off a buliding than do that. but yeah that's all ig.