u/Temporary-Gene-6286

Does anyone know about a decent alternative for these two apps? I am using the MyRenault app for 2 years know and it is highly unstable. 80% of the time it has no connection to the server despite that both my phone and the car heve decent connectivity. Often the app does not start, and when it does, it does not display the charge state of the battery. Useless things like activating the horn remotely do work, which proves that connectivity is ok, but the data which need to be collected from the Renault data server are unreachable.

Out of pure frustration I installed the Mobilize Smart app about a month ago. This tool is also from Renault and appears to be of equal crappy quality. Same issues here. Today 04 th of July it is still showing the charge state of the 23th of June (and it too has often difficulties to start up)

For both apps I have tried everything several times: clear cache/ logout and login again. Even uninstalling the tools. Nothing works. Well, it works occasionally. For no apparent reason, suddenly it works for a short while, but most of the time it doesn´t

Are there any 3th party tools which are capable of displaying the charche state and which work fine? I´m willing to create and account and have the data transferred to that account.

I want to quit Renault as soon as possible. I'm done with it.

For 50+ years (I am 59 now) I wanted to be a woman and in my fantasies I always envisioned myself as a woman having sex with a man. I envisioned myself as being transitioned into a woman, but that woman wasn’t me. She was only partially me.

I considered myself as 100% hetero.

For a few weeks I am seriously considering MtF bottom surgery, but without transitioning to female. I will keep presenting as male.

I even contacted a gender clinic for my case (still waiting for their response)

From the moment I took this step, my fantasy changed. Now I see myself after surgery and fantasise about testing my new ‘asset’. Somehow this fantasy doesn’t feel gay.

This is totally new to me and I’m very confused about this.

Do you have similar experiences?

​

Maybe this will be considered as one of the most delusional posts written here lately, but I feel I have to write it anyway. It is my truth. I´ll take the risk of being accused of having a sick mind full of brainworms.

Those who´ve read my previous posts know already that I consider it way too late for me to go for a full transition: I´m almost 60 yo. I´m married, have children, … Nobody knows about my AGP. Nobody knows about my desire to be female.

All my life I´ve disliked my male genitals. One idea which regularly comes to my mind is how I would love to have them removed and have mtf SRS (without HRT) to give me a female bottom. This would be as close as I could ever get to becoming female, while keeping my male appearance. Of course my wife would know, and my children would have the right to be informed, but other relatives, friends and colleagues wouldn't notice. They would know me in the same way as they always did. But me, I could be the woman I´ve always wanted to be in my private time.

This is why I call it a surrogate transition: beneath the clothes I'd be partly female, but to the outside world I´d be male.

I know I would depend on HT (instead of HRT) for the rest of my life to stay healthy. I suppose that no doctor, no surgeon would ever be OK with this, and if they did, I would probably be forced to consult a psychiatrist or something for a very long period before being able to go through with this. So there´s little chance that I will ever be able to even reach this surrogate transition state.

… and this leads me to the most sick part of my thoughts:

sometimes I even wish I could get a weird accident or strange disease which would require the immediate and complete removal of my male parts. Of course the doctors would try to do anything to preserve as much as possible, or even suggest a phalloplasticy, but for me this would be the occasion to ask for a female bottom. I could claim that it “wasn´t my fault” or “not my choice”, but that I´d prefer ´fake´ female genitals over fake male genitals anyway because the female ones offer more versatility.

I know it all sounds utterly strange and weird, but those are my thoughts and I have them quite often. I don´t know if I´m the only one here having them. Am I totally nuts or is this rather typical for someone with AGP?

​

TL;DR I think: yes. My point is best illustrated by giving you the timeline of my life. It illustrates the evolution of my AGP. I´d be curious to see if other people here have similar experiences.

Childhood. - Simplicity

I can still see myself as a young boy - about 8 yo - standing in the bathtub and grabbing a towel to dry off. Tucking away that little appendage between my legs et voilà: I was a girl. Nothing to be seen down below. Flat chest, yes. But so did the other girls. I´d wrap the towel around my waist or wear my undershirt at waist height to have a skirt. It was that easy at that age to be a girl. I didn´t make anything of it. Thought all boys fantasized about being a girl. Took it for granted.

In 1978 - when I was about 11, Amanda Lear scored a hit with her single Follow Me. Rumour had it she was a transwoman. It was the very first time in my life that I heard about the possibility for a man to ´become´ a woman. That knowledge struck me so hard that I still remember what I was doing that day when I heard the news.. To me, it meant that gender wasn´t fixed. It didn´t have to be permanent.

Puberty - having doubts

Puberty kicked in and so did sexuality. I fell for girls, no doubt about it. But it became quickly clear to me that in my fantasies I was ALWAYS the girl. Sure, I tried to reverse the roles a few times, imagining that I was the guy. It just didn´t work. Apart from that, I was just a normal guy and had a lot of fun & good friends. I had those fantasies only during my own intimate moments. It wasn't consuming me.I still thought that wanting to BE a girl was normal for any guy. We LOVED girls after all.

This was pre-internet period, no access to information.And no one to talk to about this.

Young adult - knowing the truth

When I grew older, the stories and scenarios that played in my head became increasingly refined, complex, versatile.. and longer. They started playing in my head during the day, when driving my car, at work. They started interfering with my life. The longing feeling to be a woman intensified. I kept being a woman in every single story which played in my mind. And because I was the woman in my dreams, I must have somehow transitioned from male to female. I had to have lost my masculinity.

In most scenarios, the man having the time of his life with me knew exactly that I had been a man before, and in some versions he even had played an active role in me being turned into a woman. He knew it and was very much turned on about permanently sealing my fate as a woman.

By this time I knew for sure that I was ´different´. That something was ´wrong´ with me. But I didn´t feel wrong. I just needed (more) room for my female fantasies.

I fell in love, got married and started a happy little family. But even during the intimate moments with my wife, I STILL was the woman. It felt like Iwas not making love with my wife, I still imagined a man making love with me, being the woman.

I still longed to be a woman, despite being married. Despite leading a happy life. Transitioning seemed no option anymore.

early or mid-40s

When I reached about 45 or so, I started noting a new pattern. I still was a woman in all of my fantasies, but I preferred to envision myself a little younger than I actually was, only by a few years. I had no specific age, but I saw myself as a young woman in her 30s anyway. By this time it also became increasingly apparent that I would never get to really be her, be a woman. So frustration was now added to the pool of emotions.

Now -almost 60 - Even more confused.

She still hasn't changed. She hasn't aged over the past decades. And she still is me. Only, the decades have created an ever growing distance. She/I could be my own daughter by now! It has become increasingly difficult to envision myself as that woman. The fantasies are starting to lose their credibility. They aren´t convincing anymore. Like a bad SciFi movie that fails to get you immersed in its impossible plot.

The Future

I don't know what the future will bring. Will the distance between her and me become insurmountable? Will I lose her? Or will I find a way to give her room and keep her alive in my fantasies?

What if I lose her? Would that be a good thing? Would I be magically ´cured´ or would I go totally crazy because part of me would be gone forever?

I really don´t know, but I have good hopes that I will find a way to give her the room she needs in the fantasy world of overworked brain.

Thank you for reading!

Yesterday I tried to order Estradiol 2mg tablets from Otokonoko. But they are currently out of stock. I wanted to try diy HRT for 2 or 3 months, to see if my libido could be somewhat decreased. To be less distracted by AGP. And I would stop HRT when the first signs of transformation would start to become obvious.

When I woke up this morning I actually felt happy. I felt like I am an average hetero man, no desire to be a woman.

It felt like I don´t need these pills and should stay far away from them.

This swinging between male and female happens a lot. Now I am feeling predominantly male, but in a few hours, AGP might kick in again. Could also be in a few days, might even be a few weeks - though that would be very long. These swingins are highly unpredictable, but for sure when AGP returns, it will kick in hard, so hard that it hurts and distracts me from my daily work And it too could last hours or days or weeks. It fades a bit and hurt turns into ache or a dull longing feeling. And that feeling might last for weeks.

It is very likely that I would buy those Estradiol pills when AGP returns.

This makes me feel like I am a fake trans woman, and a fake cis man and faking AGP. But I am not fake. There is just no label which fits me entirely, except the label which has ´ME´ printed on it. Me is written in blue ink, but if you look at it from a slightly different perspective, you will see that the ink has a pink hue. That hue can swing all the way from blue to pink and back. Nobody sees it, except me.

Some people here already know that I gave my female part a name. She´s called Hannah

Hannah is out of office today. She´s not entirely away and I don´t know when she will be back. I hate her and I love her and I always welcome her back.

She´s the one who makes it possible for me to move back and forth from male to female and all positions inbetween.

She´s a palindrome. She can go both ways. You can see her both ways and she would still be the same.

She is part of me.

On better days, I see her as an added value, an enrichment to my personality, because thanks to her my palet of colors is much more diverse as what most people have.

But Hannah is also a curse, she can be so goddam distracting. She won´t leave me alone. She demands my attention almost all the time.

After all these decades I am still not sure if she really is part of me or if she´s only a fantasy. A fantasy which is totally impossible but so convincing that it feels like it could be real. But out of reach nevertheless in the real world. That´s the part which makes it hurt.

Maybe we should not seek or strive for a 10/10 on the scale of happyness. If reaching this 10/10 would come with the cost of losing this uncontrolable imagnation and force my desires to become grey and dull, then maybe I would be unhappy about that ..

I think I am at 9/10 today. It´s ok to be satisfied with that score I suppose

Is there a legal way where I could buy HRT hormones or Estrogen pills without prescription?

I know the risks, but I really would like to feel what it´s like to have female hormones running through my body.

I´ve come to an age where I don´t need to hide anymore or fool myself. I know what I want. I know what I feel and I know this feeling won´t ever go away.

Edit: I don´t seek to transition. I just want to try it during a couple of months to see if it affects my feelings.

… or transition into one

(not native Englishl

I would exclusively wear cute skirts or dresses. Nothing slutty, but highly feminine anyway.

I might accidentally ´forget´ wearing panties under my skirt every now and then when at home 🥰

I would love to be treated with the respect every woman deserves, but at home my man would be allowed to check upon my ´wear´abouts whenever he wants to 😊. For him and him alone I would love to apply a touch of naughtyness to my character. I would so much love to be HIS woman, not just A woman.

I would love evening dinner by candlelight with him, dressed in a beautiful gown and talking for hours about every aspect of life. I want my voice, my words, my thoughts to be pleasant to his ears. But oh I would also like so much to show him that my mouth and tongue can please him in a very different way😲

I would hate periods if I'd had them

Boy I would love to see my breasts develop on my flat, manly chest and grow until it is no longer appropriate to walk around shirtless and leave the house braless. I´d be so thrilled to lose the freedom of going out shirtless, because I´d win the freedom of going out skirted.

I would adore the mild discomfort the weight of my breasts cause when it's hot and when I sweat. I´d love how I would carelessly readjust them or fumble with those annoying straps of my bra while in the middle of a conversation, just to have a few seconds of relief..

Oh how I would like to feel their gentle wiggle when I walk. I'd enjoy the power they give me. How they make every man look down at them just by showing that little bit of cleavage.

Similarly I would be so excited to lose the option of standing while urinating, to never again being able to do so - for the rest of my life. Every single time when I would be forced to squat in the woods, knowing that it would be so much easier to stand if only that would still be an option for me, would send a jolt of joy through my body, because squatting would make me feel truly female.

All my life I´ve been a man who adores women so much that I desperately would want to become one. That feeling has never faded away. On the contrary. It only grows stronger and more and more nagging now that I am slowly approaching 60. The thoughts are with me almost 24/7. It consumes me. Recently, I tried to change my perspective. Instead of seeing myself as a man with an impossible desire to become a woman, I now see myself as a person who already IS partly a woman. And that woman stepped forward a few days ago and allowed herself to start a living in the online world. It kind of helps somehow, but she knows she will never be free. She will never please a man, she will never feel a breeze rubbing the fabric of her skirt against her legs. She will never feel beautiful because she will always be invisible, hidden behind the shell of her hetero alter ego male. He will never let her free. He won't give up his well organised life because he is relatively happy. He is married to a loving woman. He has smart kids and a stable job. But he will always feel that nagging ache of wanting to be her. He and her are one and the same. He can't be her and she can't be free.

She decided to get.out, but she is confined to this online world where she has a name and he hasn´t, where the roles are reversed. She is commanding the fingers which are typing this text, but to the outside world he is holding the smartphone.

She calls herself Hannah, and she would so much like to meet other women or men, for a platonic friendship.

And she is wondering: what type of diagnosis would others label her with? How bad is it? There is no cure, but maybe, just maybe someone out there knows how to make her feel happy. And that will make him happy to.

With love,

Hannah

Screaming louder than ever to be free.