u/TemporaryBoring_

I experienced a non-dual state where I was not separable from God/consciousness. I saw how I had mistaken my thoughts and life experiences for reality. I was full of love and compassion, and laughed so hard because the truth is so simple and just here under our noses.

That feeling has gradually subsided. Now I just feel the pain of separation and longing to return to that unity. I also know that the more I want it, the more out of reach it becomes.

So what now? I don’t want to be blind again, and I also feel a bit disoriented about who I am and what to do.

Has anyone had this experience?

So I did MDMA solo (my first time was with a therapist and it went to a preverbal and loving state). I thought I could handle it and really needed to work on my codependency and boundary issues, and disorganized attachment style. I tend to swallow all my emotions and have an extreme people-pleasing response- it feels like I will die if I put up boundaries with a person I’m attached to. I am currently trying to get out of a manipulative/abusive relationship. I know that going solo was reckless, but please spare me the judgment - I was in an extremely desperate state.

During the trip I was shown several abuse situations from my childhood and talked to protectors and exiles. I experienced some body shaking related to different traumas, along with some insights and compassion towards my inner child.

Here’s the thing- it’s been a week since my solo session but the process is not stopping. I am not able to work or do pretty much anything. Traumatic stuff just keeps surfacing through my body and I am repeating the process with many memories to which I was previously numb. I gag a lot when I touch the feelings related to abuse. There is so much shame related to that that I carry. The good thing is that I am gradually letting myself feel anger towards my abusers- both in childhood and adulthood.

But it is scary and I’m afraid I broke something. Has anyone experienced this? I do have a phenomenal IFS therapist once a week, but she is not experienced in psychedelics. I talked to one integration therapist and she commented that I opened pandora’s box of suffering when I needed more of a Self energy. It left me kind of scared.

Question for those who used MDMA for their complex trauma (childhood abuse, attachment trauma). Did it work? (combined with therapy of course) Did you experience lasting results, and how many sessions did it take? Please share if you have any experiences, also if it didn’t work and you had to use something else.