u/Ten-Gohambre

I recently started CBT with a wonderful therapist (psychologist). I only had two sessions so far, but I rarely have experienced such empathy in a therapist. It was expensive, though, so I had to stop smoking in order to be able to afford it.

My former psychiatrist never gave me my diagnosis, despite me asking at least 7 times. It's also illegal, refusing to disclose it to the patient, at least in my country. They only kept saying that agoraphobia is just a symptom, and I had "something way worse" (their words).

I am not a fan of self diagnosis, but I believe I have C-PTSD, which led to hypervigilance and eventually to agoraphobia. I coped with overintellectualizing my life, overanalyzing thought patterns and not showing emotions, as I would constantly be chastised, ridiculed, or ignored for being emotional since my early childhood.

Yesterday, I saw a video on Instagram from a C-PTSD specialist. They say that when it comes to treating C-PTSD, CBT is at best unhelpful, at worse dangerous. But then, CBT is what is generally prescribed for agoraphobia.

How can I manage this catch 22? Should I keep my CBT therapist and focus mainly on the agoraphobia, or should I avoid it, because CBT apparently worsens the overintellectualization by working on thoughts and patterns, contributing to staying emotionally numb, and feeding the C-PTSD dissociation?

What is your experience with CBT? Did more emotion-oriented therapies work better instead?

Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist, and I am planning to bring this topic up to them.

39F, sorry for the typos and bad grammar, as English is not my first language. I have suffered from anxiety from as far as I can remember. I am pretty sure I have C-PTSD due to abuse during my childhood (sexual abuse from half-brother; enabling mother; narcissistic, indifferent, cold as ice father). They are divorced and live far away. We barely text, a few times a month, no phone calls, they can't be bothered.

I always felt like an "undercover" agoraphobic holding on to dear life. As I was younger, I tried to mask and keep going to uni, clubs, coffee shops, concerts, sports events, and even traveling solo; but still doing so with this everlasting feeling of imminent doom, and that becoming housebound was after all inevitable. After my studies, I struggled with keeping jobs and friendships.

Now, I have been housebound since 2024, and I lost my online job to AI. I live in a tiny one room apartment, no garden, and I have no chances of getting something bigger. My city is way too expensive and I cannot live in the countryside, as I don't drive. I can go outside only if someone is with me.

I have a boyfriend since 2023, and I am sure that made me feel like I could lean on him and unconsciously, I gradually lost my autonomy. He is an artist, a struggling one since Covid; so he basically doesn't work, vapes, and play phone games all day long. He has his apartment, but when he is at my place, I cannot stand us being unemployed and lacking of purpose any longer.

I know that it sounds judgemental, but it feels like Groundhog Day, living in a loop of nothingness. Thinking that this could be our future forever and ever makes me extremely anxious and has reinforced my agoraphobia. Sometimes, I hide on the bathroom just to have some space. He then leaves, saying I will eventually dump him. And then I am trapped, because I cannot go grocery shopping, so I can spend days without eating properly. He offers to bring me food, but I refuse, I don't want our relationship to be this way. I have to face the agoraphobia, and I don't want to be pampered or taken care of, just because I cannot get a grip.

I feel bad because I loved the active man that I met at the beginning, and I was myself an active person, going to museums, concerts, working and being the founder of an association, while constantly suffering in silence. Now I can't help myself but think that we have become losers. He is fine with this situation, but I feel useless and stuck, and I am starting to have fits of anger, something I have never experienced before. I scream in pillows or hit myself, and that has started to terrify him. I feel very sorry, but I feel so stuck, I am starting to have very dark ideas. I have a terrible relationship with my psychiatrist, but it's free, and I cannot afford full-price therapy.

The only people I talk to are the ones at hotlines in order to vent. I cannot vent to AI or to the 2/3 friends I have left, they live far away and I am too afraid to lose them by being negative. I am fairly new to online relationships and feel clumsy and awkward about it.

I am browsing this subreddit for similar experiences and some recovery stories. I did often CBT exercises, and it never really worked, as I pathologically am completely immune to the feeling of pride. Even when I went to live in Berlin by myself for 3 months, I felt deep shame each time I had to cancel plans. I do not remember a day in life when I didn't experience a burning shame. My whole life has been canceling plans on repeat, losing jobs, and seeing my acquaintances fade away. I do not have dreams anymore, I feel like this is purgatory.

Thank God for the World Cup and later the Tour de France; at least it gives me a sense of escapism and a reason to feel less shameful being homebound in front of my TV. Thank God for knitting and crocheting as well. It's the only thing keeping me somehow afloat. And language learning, maybe I could talk to foreigners without going outside and traveling metaphorically speaking.

I feel really ashamed posting this and thought of deleting it multiple times; but maybe posting it is somehow a first step to at least own that shame. Thank you for your patience if you have made it so far.

39F, sorry for the typos and bad grammar, as English is not my first language. I have suffered from anxiety from as far as I can remember. I am pretty sure I have C-PTSD due to abuse during my childhood (sexual abuse from half-brother; enabling mother; narcissistic, indifferent, cold as ice father). They are divorced and live far away. We barely text, a few times a month, no phone calls, they can't be bothered.

I always felt like an "undercover" agoraphobic holding on to dear life. As I was younger, I tried to mask and keep going to uni, clubs, coffee shops, concerts, sports events, and even traveling solo; but still doing so with this everlasting feeling of imminent doom, and that becoming housebound was after all inevitable. After my studies, I struggled with keeping jobs and friendships.

Now, I have been housebound since 2024, and I lost my online job to AI. I live in a tiny one room apartment, no garden, and I have no chances of getting something bigger. My city is way too expensive and I cannot live in the countryside, as I don't drive. I can go outside only if someone is with me.

I have a boyfriend since 2023, and I am sure that made me feel like I could lean on him and unconsciously, I gradually lost my autonomy. He is an artist, a struggling one since Covid; so he basically doesn't work, vapes, and play phone games all day long. He has his apartment, but when he is at my place, I cannot stand us being unemployed and lacking of purpose any longer.

I know that it sounds judgemental, but it feels like Groundhog Day, living in a loop of nothingness. Thinking that this could be our future forever and ever makes me extremely anxious and has reinforced my agoraphobia. Sometimes, I hide on the bathroom just to have some space. He then leaves, saying I will eventually dump him. And then I am trapped, because I cannot go grocery shopping, so I can spend days without eating properly. He offers to bring me food, but I refuse, I don't want our relationship to be this way. I have to face the agoraphobia, and I don't want to be pampered or taken care of, just because I cannot get a grip.

I feel bad because I loved the active man that I met at the beginning, and I was myself an active person, going to museums, concerts, working and being the founder of an association, while constantly suffering in silence. Now I can't help myself but think that we have become losers. He is fine with this situation, but I feel useless and stuck, and I am starting to have fits of anger, something I have never experienced before. I scream in pillows or hit myself, and that has started to terrify him. I feel very sorry, but I feel so stuck, I am starting to have very dark ideas. I have a terrible relationship with my psychiatrist, but it's free, and I cannot afford full-price therapy.

The only people I talk to are the ones at hotlines in order to vent. I cannot vent to AI or to the 2/3 friends I have left, they live far away and I am too afraid to lose them by being negative. I am fairly new to online relationships and feel clumsy and awkward about it.

I am browsing this subreddit for similar experiences and some recovery stories. I did often CBT exercises, and it never really worked, as I pathologically am completely immune to the feeling of pride. Even when I went to live in Berlin by myself for 3 months, I felt deep shame each time I had to cancel plans. I do not remember a day in life when I didn't experience a burning shame. My whole life has been canceling plans on repeat, losing jobs, and seeing my acquaintances fade away. I do not have dreams anymore, I feel like this is purgatory.

Thank God for the World Cup and later the Tour de France; at least it gives me a sense of escapism and a reason to feel less shameful being homebound in front of my TV. Thank God for knitting and crocheting as well. It's the only thing keeping me somehow afloat. And language learning, maybe I could talk to foreigners without going outside and traveling metaphorically speaking.

I feel really ashamed posting this and thought of deleting it multiple times; but maybe posting it is somehow a first step to at least own that shame. Thank you for your patience if you have made it so far.