u/TheMilkw4y

So this is not neccesarily a bad story but just wanted to talk about it. Because I can't lie. It has made me insanely skeptical of playing ever again.

My first dnd game was curse of strahd. The dm was a friend of one of my friends. And he allowed me to play. I think I was the only girl in the group.. or no.. I think there was another.

The game was going super great and I played as an elf wizard. I really like elves. I did my best to play being a new player and I think I did an okay job. I fought.. trued to interact and all that. The only thing I struggled with was role playing. I was 20 or so and embarrassed about it because I thought i wouldnt sound as good as the dm.

So I never tried. Although I wanted to.

So im not planning to end up in a video or anything so Ill get right to it. I don't remember what happened leading up to this. But there was a quest. This is where it all went downhill for me. I had played a lot of sessions by that point and I had missed a few too.

In this quest .. we were to save a group of kids who were orphans. Some of thw party members wanted to off the kids.. leave them there and all that jazz but overall.. we agreed to do our best to save them. We dropped them off at an orphanage and stayed there for a bit. Then I met her. One of the orphans.. a sweet little girl. I cant quite recall what race she was. But I knew she was purple and quite young.. but tall.. i think orc.. her name was sunny. I took to her immediately. She took to me too. She was described as quiet and hardly talked to people but she talked to me. I fell in love with her. Asked the dm to adopt her. Take her on the journey with us. Ofc he warned me i would have to keep her safe...

Now im sure you know where this is going. I said okay. She went with us when we finally left. My little sunny. She is like 7. She promjsed she would learn to fight so she could pull her weight. I told her I would protect her. Keep her safe. Then came the day. First fight with her in the party...

We are up against aome group of goblins or the other. I put her in the very back.. hide her in bushes ... and the first thing they do..... is shoot her... they find a way to shoot her... dm does saving throw rolls... fails all three. She dies.

I was so distraught irl.. i actively shut down. I started crying. This was on roll20 .. so i muted on discord and cried silently. When the session ended.. dm privately gave me the belongings sunny had on her.. a picture of a crayon drawing of sunny holding my hand.. saying that she "luvs" me.

I sobbed. For. Days. In real life. I felt like I lost my actual kid. For about 3 sessions after that.. i never felt like playing.. i went.. and watched them play.. interacted a little but was overall so low emotionally that I could not play. Eventually.. dm gave up on me. Kicked me from the party. Fair. I thought.. but then told me that due to that.. I would never be allowed to play in one of his games again. And even years later.. he has since never allowed me to again. Sadly when I was ready to try again.. i had no other friends who play and he was the only one... so yeah.. now i just watch others play and live vicariously through them.

I am going to school now tho.. and I have a group who play. Im excited to try again. And not be as sensitive this time.

How do I touch something that was licking my face 2 days prior? I have always had trouble touching dead things and especially dead things that I have loved. I think it's something about how different they are when dead versus when alive.

It makes me sad to see them as well.. knowing they were once alive and spritely. I had 3 of these kittens.. one of them got sick .. the other got thrown by my older brother and im pretty sure he died of internal bleeding .. and this one seems to have just passed from being sick as well. Im glad she passed with company.

I dont know how to touch her to move her and bury her ... I know I need to in the morning.. because it is currently 2:45 am.. I cant go outside. But Im thoroughly dreading that.. like how am I to do it. Ive seen people say to wrap her up in blankets and such but I dont think even that will work for me.... I am pretty sure I will have a panic attack.

What do I even do? Im panicking even now in anticipation of in the morning. My younger brother who is not sensitive to these things is annoyed that I asked him for help and Im seeing that most likely I will have to do it. My heart is breaking. Any advice? I have gloves .. I will put them on but what next? Thoughts?

So context here .. this was years ago but it wasnt until recently that I started thinking about this type of stuff from her. I would prefer not to disclose my age as i really don't want any of the people in this to even have an idea it is about them rn.

Anyway.. couple years back.. I met a friend. She had a bf. She constantly threathened that if I ever did anything to her to betray her or hurt her emotionally and that stuff.. that he would beat me up and or k*ll me. I genuinely took this so seriously that I was terrified of him. I really thought he would because this person has that aura about them. Over time.. we became friends.. the bf and i. Genuine friends. I told him that I was terrified of him one time and he made sure I felt comfortable. Even asked how he could help as we were living in the same space briefly at that time. Now as time went by .. I stopped being afraid of him but it was always in the back of my mind that one day she could just ask him.. and he would off me. She was also aware of me being afraid of him. But she still made those jabs.

One day.. he said out loud while we were all hanging out.. that he doesnt think he can ever physically hurt me now. Her response? "I don't like that." It did make me feel off for years but it is only recently I have been taking the rose colored glasses off and seeing many other things that have been happening ..

My thing is.. who gets offended or upset that their friend is not going to be offed by their bf. AIO or is that a bad sign and one that says maybe she didnt actually like me?

Edit: to ad further context based on the replies. The bf has never threathened me. Since I met him.. he has been nothing but kind.