I’ve been seeing my six year old through chemo since November and it’s been really hitting me this week. It’s a heavy topic and can feel very isolating, but just having someone who’d listen and be kind would help me so much. Just discovered this sub but it seems like such a wonderful idea. Anyone interested in being a kind voice for me?
We are two treatments away from her last of chemo, if all goes according to plan. But I spoke to the doctor and he said there’s a 20-30% chance of secondary cancer.
This might not be in a few years, the risk goes out until she’s an adult. But that number is sticking in my mind and I feel like it’s sent me right back to the beginning of diagnosis. I’m trying to stop crying in the hospital while she’s getting her infusion.
I think I’ve been feeling like I’m taking things in stride because it’s felt like it’s “almost over”, like things will go back to “normal”. But that number… it’s huge. And is that in addition to the chance that the cancer wasn’t eradicated? I don’t even want to ask.
I’m tired of seeing people post on social media about their vacations and healthy kids going to the last day of school and all I get is grief and hospitals and even, after all of that, not knowing if I’ll end up just saying goodbye to my baby. That baby that I held in my arms.
I’m tired of depriving myself to save because I’m trying to save on no income. I spent ten years pouring time and effort into a personal project that nobody cares about but me and I cant seem to market while people talk about a different, more successful <thing that is my dream> that happened to take off because they got lucky and went viral.
Sometimes I don’t feel like I was put here on earth for a reason. I’m probably too bitter and comparing myself to others too much but it’s hard not to when other people celebrate their fabulous lives and I just got cancer for my baby. I know social media bad and blah blah blah but it’s hard not to notice that other people in the US are living their best lives because I’m literally stuck in a hospital or the house to protect my kid with very little to do besides go on the internet. And now, I do t know if it’ll be temporary or I’ll just get a break and then have to grieve for real.
I think people don’t understand that I have to reconcile the bad possibilities, not just entirely hopeium.. like I had nurses say “I met kids with <her type of cancer> that are healthy adults!” But my kid could be on the bad end of statistics just like she already has been.. she could end up on the bad end of long terms statistics and I can’t do anything but wait to find out. Maybe hope that AI cures cancer while it’s polluting our world and using all of the water?
Ugh.. so I guess this is the end of my “life isn’t fair” thesis but it kind of hit me unexpectedly today. I don’t know if it’ll would have been better for me to just live in ignorance about the stats but it really hit me hard because I guess I’d been in “the is is almost over” mode.
We had to bring her to the clinic to get a clean out with laxatives via a feeding tube. She got some “amnesia” meds but still complained it was hurting and threw up. Now she’s asleep and hopefully the laxatives will be doing their thing.
Then I’ll get the joy of hearing her scream on the toilet because she bleeds when she poops now (apparently not to worry about, but not in the least fun.) none of this is in the least fun. Some days it’s all just shy of too much. I’ve had a few of those days this week. People keep telling me I’m a good mom but this doesn’t make you feel strong, it just makes me overwhelmed. Honestly it’s a relief to have the nurses handling everything but when she coughs or moans my blood pressure just shoots up.
We’re eight months into chemo and I wanted to nope out of today. Barfing all over the floor? Fucking, no thanks. Not cool. Screaming with constipation pain and then not being able to poop (possibly the reason she puked)? No. Just, fucking no. Screaming in the middle of the night because of the constipation pain.. btw she saw a Dr today that said her abdomen wasn’t too hard or anything, so I’m just supposed to force her to drink tons of meds that make her nauseous and barely work. She’s back to barely eating again. But I’m in the position of being the one to have to force her to do alll the self care things and have her yell at me for suggesting she drink water or take her meds. It fucking SUCKS. I can’t fucking take the stress. I slept fitfully last night because I was sure I’d wake up to her screaming on the toilet. I’m barely interacting with my oldest because I need a goddamn break. I have nobody to talk to, no friends, not even my fucking sister calls me. She just invites me to a group chat. I’m trying to get disability after 4 months of processing so I can probably get 500 a month- our only income right now- and they’re making me wait another god damn week to “talk about my proposed hours”. Bet they didnt nice and dime the 25 billion dollars that we’ve spent on a war since February. Anyways, fuck everything. That is all.