u/TheShimmeringCircus

Her scans are good- for now, at least! I thought I’d pass out while waiting for the results.

My friend will be starting chemo soon and I’m putting together a playlist. I’d like songs that are gentle and spiritual, but not outright religious. Hopeful and a “thinking of you” or “we’re in this together” sort of vibe.

Some examples:

Bridge over troubled water by Simon and Garfunkel
A Message by Coldplay
Blue Skies by Noah and the Whale

I am so freaking excited. Kiddo asked for a Bluey theme for her bell ringing, to celebrate the end of chemo. So I posted on a bunch of local groups asking if people had leftover party decor, an outfit, etc. Well someone linked to a party business who has a Bluey character and they volunteered to come!

I just.. have no words. In the best possible way.

She’s back in the hospital, I woke up and my husband had taken her to the ER. Screamed and refused to wear a mask so I had to literally restrain her so they could do a sterile procedure.

This must be our 20th hospitalization so it’s just more shit I’m used to, but I’m so FUCKING DEPRESSED. We have barely gone out all year. We do nothing fun. I don’t know what’s even keeping me going every day.

And the worst part is that it feels like NOBODY CARES. One of my fucking neighbors stopped answering my texts, but she’s posting about her new job and her vacation on Facebook. wtf is it wrong with people these days that they don’t bother to acknowledge someone exists?

I feel like I could disappear and nobody would give a shit. I’d like to make friends but I honestly don’t know who will just randomly ghost me. People act like it’s some mystery when people get super depressed but the truth is they never bothered to notice someone was struggling. I’m just trying to find ways not to be depressed at this point but I literally do nothing fun and barely talk to anyone besides my kids or husband. I could be such a good friend if anybody fucking made a tiny bit of effort.

Also, unpopular opinion here, but sometimes I feel like telling someone to go to therapy is just a cop out, another thing people say. I guess it would help to vent about being isolated and people being lame, but it wouldn’t change that my life is a dumpster fire and people keep ghosting me. Maybe I could use a therapist, but you know what I could really use? An actual, bona fide friend.

I know I’ll be holding my breath through all the follow up scans, but what a day. The nurses decorated her room with streamers and a giant poster.

I.. where do I start with this? My six year old cancer babe is halfway through what I hope will be her last treatment. This is, of course, like... yay! Except that her cancer isn't like a 95% five year survival rate, its more like a 75% one. So we are celebrating but its still sober, you know? It could come back. And we've already been through 8 months of chemo, near weekly hospitalizations.

Right now, I'm already on edge. My area is crispy as toast, and under a red flag warning while my kiddo is trapped in a hospital, and will drop down to basically no immune system the week after she's dismissed.

The air is unhealthy from a MASSIVE fire that is thankfully far away, but I have some history with wild fire PTSD, mainly that my husband was packing our things under a wildfire evacuation when we moved cross state, while my kids were 2 and 9 months. I stayed up all night with them when it was 100 degrees and there was dry lightning in our freaking redwood forest back then. Wildfire risk makes me TENSE.

My mom and I have had a really gnarly history, I live in her and my dad's basement. I've again and again had her stress me out to the point where I feel like I really need to move and be lower contact (working on it). I mean, like she gave me a panic attack once, stress hormone attack type relationship. She also has throughout the chemo process asked if my kids could do something or other (she seriously suggested a summer camp before the chemo was over). My dad also loves to tell me that I'm overreacting.

Today, she pounced on me when I was super tense and asked if I'd mind if we visited with my cousin's kids on the 12th- when my daughter will be a week out of chemo, and have NO immune system. My cousin is an anti vaccer. She asked if she could bring my kids onto a deck, in the open air, to "get to know their cousins".

I said no, but I also sort of lost my cool big time, and got really stressed and upset. I told her that I felt like she cared more about my cousin's kids. My dad then helpfully told me that was "ridiculous". I give zero shits about my cousin, who is a Trumpy anti vaccer, and while I wish her kids no harm, I was actively stressed and upset that my mom thought to ask about all of this. We just had a chat where she told me not to get mad at her and just say no, but it honestly was hard for me to control that reaction.

Any... thoughts? To what degree would this bother you, in my position? I don't know if I overreacted, although my dad can stuff it with "ridiculous".

Oh, and that day is my husband’s bday. I’m just tried, Bromos. My nervous system is so fucking dysregulated and my mom triggers the hell out of me.

Okay, this is totally pointless but I find it really fun so I wanted to share. I adored the HDM series in high school, and I realized something lately. I have two daughters. One has cancer so she has no hair right now, but the other has very curly, dark blondish hair like the main of a lion, blue eyes and… yep, she’s Lyra. Looks exactly like her, especially the Subtle Knife cover illustration of her with Will and Pan as a cheetah. I’ve even taken some photos of her in a fur lined coat and it’s uncanny. There aren’t even that many kids that look like that, how she’s described in the book.

The thing is, she looks exactly like my husband. I think I met him and recognized a male version of the face I had seen on the covers i read like 1000 times and was subconsciously like- i know you!

I’ve been seeing my six year old through chemo since November and it’s been really hitting me this week. It’s a heavy topic and can feel very isolating, but just having someone who’d listen and be kind would help me so much. Just discovered this sub but it seems like such a wonderful idea. Anyone interested in being a kind voice for me?

We are two treatments away from her last of chemo, if all goes according to plan. But I spoke to the doctor and he said there’s a 20-30% chance of secondary cancer.

This might not be in a few years, the risk goes out until she’s an adult. But that number is sticking in my mind and I feel like it’s sent me right back to the beginning of diagnosis. I’m trying to stop crying in the hospital while she’s getting her infusion.

I think I’ve been feeling like I’m taking things in stride because it’s felt like it’s “almost over”, like things will go back to “normal”. But that number… it’s huge. And is that in addition to the chance that the cancer wasn’t eradicated? I don’t even want to ask.

I’m tired of seeing people post on social media about their vacations and healthy kids going to the last day of school and all I get is grief and hospitals and even, after all of that, not knowing if I’ll end up just saying goodbye to my baby. That baby that I held in my arms.

I’m tired of depriving myself to save because I’m trying to save on no income. I spent ten years pouring time and effort into a personal project that nobody cares about but me and I cant seem to market while people talk about a different, more successful <thing that is my dream> that happened to take off because they got lucky and went viral.

Sometimes I don’t feel like I was put here on earth for a reason. I’m probably too bitter and comparing myself to others too much but it’s hard not to when other people celebrate their fabulous lives and I just got cancer for my baby. I know social media bad and blah blah blah but it’s hard not to notice that other people in the US are living their best lives because I’m literally stuck in a hospital or the house to protect my kid with very little to do besides go on the internet. And now, I do t know if it’ll be temporary or I’ll just get a break and then have to grieve for real.

I think people don’t understand that I have to reconcile the bad possibilities, not just entirely hopeium.. like I had nurses say “I met kids with <her type of cancer> that are healthy adults!” But my kid could be on the bad end of statistics just like she already has been.. she could end up on the bad end of long terms statistics and I can’t do anything but wait to find out. Maybe hope that AI cures cancer while it’s polluting our world and using all of the water?

Ugh.. so I guess this is the end of my “life isn’t fair” thesis but it kind of hit me unexpectedly today. I don’t know if it’ll would have been better for me to just live in ignorance about the stats but it really hit me hard because I guess I’d been in “the is is almost over” mode.

We had to bring her to the clinic to get a clean out with laxatives via a feeding tube. She got some “amnesia” meds but still complained it was hurting and threw up. Now she’s asleep and hopefully the laxatives will be doing their thing.

Then I’ll get the joy of hearing her scream on the toilet because she bleeds when she poops now (apparently not to worry about, but not in the least fun.) none of this is in the least fun. Some days it’s all just shy of too much. I’ve had a few of those days this week. People keep telling me I’m a good mom but this doesn’t make you feel strong, it just makes me overwhelmed. Honestly it’s a relief to have the nurses handling everything but when she coughs or moans my blood pressure just shoots up.

We’re eight months into chemo and I wanted to nope out of today. Barfing all over the floor? Fucking, no thanks. Not cool. Screaming with constipation pain and then not being able to poop (possibly the reason she puked)? No. Just, fucking no. Screaming in the middle of the night because of the constipation pain.. btw she saw a Dr today that said her abdomen wasn’t too hard or anything, so I’m just supposed to force her to drink tons of meds that make her nauseous and barely work. She’s back to barely eating again. But I’m in the position of being the one to have to force her to do alll the self care things and have her yell at me for suggesting she drink water or take her meds. It fucking SUCKS. I can’t fucking take the stress. I slept fitfully last night because I was sure I’d wake up to her screaming on the toilet. I’m barely interacting with my oldest because I need a goddamn break. I have nobody to talk to, no friends, not even my fucking sister calls me. She just invites me to a group chat. I’m trying to get disability after 4 months of processing so I can probably get 500 a month- our only income right now- and they’re making me wait another god damn week to “talk about my proposed hours”. Bet they didnt nice and dime the 25 billion dollars that we’ve spent on a war since February. Anyways, fuck everything. That is all.