u/TheTeaPartySystem

I want to start by saying that this isn't a vent post, I want to manifest many things and change my life for the better but I struggle with mental health issues/possible c-ptsd so I end up spiraling, I've been trying to manifest positive change for a long time and I'm not giving up on it because I deserve a better life.

I'm sure many people with mental health issues still managed to manifest and fix their life so I'd really appreciate advice from people with similar experience

How can I keep my thoughts positive?

I'm 20 and ever since I was born I was constantly told something was wrong with me, now I realize it's true.

It's like people get an uncanny valley vibe from being around me and I'm starting to feel so much disgust from myself. I don't want anyone to say that I have low self esteem or I'm thinking that because of self hatred but everyone in my life agrees and says and treats me like it. Like I'm some disgusting roach.

In every social interaction I end up saying the wrong thing, in every singe conversation I say something that makes people laugh at me, I enter a room and it goes silent or people giggle and whisper to each other, and when I asked what I did wrong no one tells me, ever. It's been like that since I was born, my brain is wired incorrectly and everyone sees it. I tell people how I feel about anything or my thoughts on anything and they treat me like I said the stupidest thing in the world, I thought maybe I'm just stupid but I think it's worse, every single person I dated only liked me when they didn't know me and almost every single friend I had ended up becoming a bully. I had friends who make secret groups just to laugh at me, and I don't think it's my appearance so it has to be something with my personality when even my mom couldn't take me anywhere as a child without her crying on the way home because of how much she's embarassed from me and how badly I embarassed her. During my childhood she kept saying my existence must've been some kind of punishment for her.

And some people even a family member would sexually harass me because they think I deserve it, I saw people commit acts of abuse against me that they would never do or allow to happen to someone else, simply because they never really saw me as a person.

Am I going to continue living my whole life like this? With everything I ever say being shameful and embarrassing? With every social interaction becoming a humiliation ritual? I really need to know how I can be a normal person but I don't even know what is wrong I just know that something is wrong and everyone sees it but me.