Growing Up with a Cleft Lip and Palate Left Me Feeling Invisible
I just graduated from high school and I'm waiting for college to start. These past few weeks I've had a lot of time to think, and looking back, I realized just how much my childhood affected me.
I was born with a cleft lip and palate. For anyone who doesn't know, it's a condition where the lip and roof of the mouth don't fully develop before birth. It affected both my speech and my appearance. I've had 8 surgeries so far, and every one of them has been difficult.
When I was younger, I was bullied a lot. People made fun of the way I spoke and looked. At the time, I tried to convince myself it didn't matter. I laughed things off and tried to stay happy, but I think I was just hiding how much it hurt.
Some of my strongest memories aren't happy ones. I remember hearing classmates talk about vacations while I was lying in bed recovering from another surgery. It felt like everyone else was living a normal childhood while mine kept getting interrupted.
I did have a few good friends, and I'm grateful for them because they gave me some genuinely happy memories.
One thing that has always bothered me is that I never really talked to girls. I had almost no conversations with them. There was one girl I really liked—she was smart, kind, and beautiful. I eventually told her how I felt, and she rejected me. Looking back, I know she had every right to, but it still hurt.
As a kid I was pretty mischievous. Looking back now, I think I wasn't trying to be "the funny kid." I think I was just desperate for attention because I felt invisible. It always seemed like my existence didn't really matter.
As school went on, my close friends ended up in different classes because we chose different subjects, and I felt completely alone.
Reading out loud in class was one of the worst experiences. Teachers would ask me to read, people would laugh at my speech, and some would even say, "Repeat, repeat." I felt humiliated every single time. Sometimes even the teachers seemed to ignore me.
I wasn't a top student either—just average. If I ever got into an argument or was bullied, it often felt like the other person was believed instead of me. Those moments made me feel like nobody was willing to listen.
During the last two years of school I became almost completely silent. I stopped talking unless I absolutely had to.
I also had septoplasty surgery. The surgeons suggested taking rib cartilage for reconstruction, but I was terrified and refused. Because of that, I'm really insecure about how my nose looks now. My confidence is at its lowest, and I honestly struggle to believe that any girl could ever want to date me.
In a few days I'll be starting college. Instead of feeling excited, I'm scared. I'm carrying all these insecurities with me, and sometimes I wonder if I was just meant to be alone. Maybe I'm supposed to live alone and die alone.
My parents don't really understand how I feel. They think I don't speak because I physically can't, but the truth is that I've become afraid to speak because of years of being laughed at.
I'm almost 18 now, and I keep asking myself the same question:
Will anyone ever be able to love someone like me?
Thanks for reading