u/Then-General5917

[supprimé]

I’m a 32F in the UK and was talking to a 34M in the US for around six months after meeting on a dating app. The relationship has now ended and I’m trying to understand where our communication broke down because I genuinely think we were operating with completely different assumptions.
Early on, he told me he was planning to come to the UK in March to see his family. He gave me dates, told me he had cousins here - this was in our first few conversations. We even had a conversation about tipping culture and he mentioned tipping when he was in London, so I believed he’d been to the UK before. I keep going back to these questions to see if I misunderstood what he said or if he misunderstood what was asked but I really do think he told me he comes to the uk every year and he was planning to come and see them in March .
Because of that, I assumed travelling to the UK wasn’t a huge undertaking specifically for me. I thought he was already coming to visit family and we’d simply meet while he was here.
Earlier in the year, he also travelled to Dubai but ended up stranded because of flight disruptions, which meant he had to use some of his annual leave unexpectedly. Then, around March/April, we looked at flights together and prices had increased significantly following the conflict involving Iran. So I understood that genuine circumstances had made travelling more difficult than originally planned.
Even so, March became April, then May, then June. Every month the meeting got pushed back because of cost. The flights have increased in price since the conflict happening in Iran.
It wasn’t until around 2-3 months ago that I realised he’d actually never been to the UK before and that the trip was intended just to meet me. That completely changed how I viewed the situation because it explained why the logistics were such a big issue.
One issue between us was communication. He initiated probably 90% of our phone calls, and towards the end he told me this made him feel I wasn’t invested enough.
I think that’s a fair criticism. I never ghosted him, ignored him or left him on read. I always answered his calls, replied to his messages and was engaged whenever we spoke. We spoke everyday pretty much for months. However, I definitely wasn’t initiating calls as much as he was but I was texting him first etc.
Looking back, I think part of the reason was that every time we got close to meeting, the date moved again. I gradually stopped allowing myself to become too emotionally invested because I genuinely didn’t know whether we were ever going to meet. We also weren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend, and he still had the dating app, so I think I subconsciously kept some emotional distance.
Another thing that confused me was his annual leave. I asked him several times how much holiday he had because I was trying to understand how realistic a UK-US relationship would be. I never really got a clear answer. It became apparent that he had fairly limited annual leave, meaning travelling back and forth between the US and UK wasn’t as straightforward as I’d initially assumed. Had I understood those limitations more clearly from the beginning, I think I would have had more realistic expectations.
Recently he ended things. He explained that several factors had changed:
He recently had a colon cancer scare (thankfully it isn’t cancer), but still needs colon surgery and will have to use much of his annual leave for recovery because he only had like 2 weeks left this year so that was going to be used to recover.
His dad has recently become ill.
His aunt is also unwell.
He felt our communication had dropped during the last 2 weeks. He was busy with work due to a deadline and I wasn’t communicating as much. Around that two weeks , I remember telling my friends that I don’t think he is going to come and I think he was going to cancel Aug trip, I even mourned the end of the relationship the weekend before we officially ended things so I think when the communication had dropped - I had stopped believing he was going to come.
He was worried about the uncertainty of making such a big trip when we’d never met.
He also said that with his limited annual leave, making a second trip if the first meeting didn’t work out wouldn’t really be possible.
I completely understand the surgery and his dad’s illness are recent developments and I have a lot of sympathy for that.
Where I’m struggling is that some of the practical limitations around annual leave and the difficulty of making multiple international trips already existed before we started talking. I wish we’d had a more direct conversation as circumstances changed rather than simply moving the meeting date month after month.
Looking back, I think we were probably reacting to different versions of reality. He may have felt I wasn’t investing enough because I wasn’t initiating calls. I think I held back because the meeting kept getting delayed, we weren’t exclusive, and I didn’t know whether the relationship would ever move beyond the talking stage.

Honestly I think I probably just needed to vent but I’m curious for people who have tried long distance and it worked out - did you become official and exclusive before you met ?

How long did it take before you met ?

What do you think there was any hope for this situation ?

I’m looking for some objective opinions because this has now ended, and I’m trying to understand whether either of us could have handled things differently.
I’m 32F from the UK. He’s 34M from the US. We met on a Muslim dating app and talked for around six months before things ended. We spoke regularly, although he definitely initiated most of the phone calls.
Early on, he told me he was planning to come to the UK in March. He gave me dates, told me he had cousins here, and from our conversations I genuinely believed this was a trip he was already making to visit family. We even had a conversation about tipping culture, and he mentioned tipping when he was in London, which reinforced my belief that he’d been to the UK before.
Because of all that, I never thought travelling to the UK was a huge sacrifice specifically for me. I assumed the trip was happening regardless and we’d simply meet while he was here.
As time went on, March became April, then May, then June. Every month the meeting got pushed back because of cost.
It wasn’t until around 2-3 months ago that I realised he’d actually never been to the UK before and the entire trip was supposed to be just to meet me. He also told me he wasn’t planning to see his cousins because he wanted to spend the time getting to know me. That surprised me because I’d spent months believing the trip was primarily to visit family.
One issue he had with me was that he initiated around 90% of the phone calls. I completely accept that this probably made him feel like I wasn’t as invested.
From my perspective, though, I gradually pulled back because every month the meeting date moved again, we still weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, and he still had the dating app. I always answered his calls, replied to his messages and never ignored him, but I wasn’t initiating many calls myself.
Looking back, I think part of me was thinking, “Why should I become more emotionally invested when we haven’t even met, there’s no commitment, and he could still be talking to other women?” My friends have actually said they think that’s why I subconsciously held back too.
Another thing that frustrated me was that I kept asking how much annual leave he had because I was trying to understand how realistic this relationship was. I never really got a straight answer. I’ve only recently found out he gets around 14 days of holiday a year. Had I known that from the beginning, I would have understood much earlier why meeting was difficult and why multiple visits would be challenging.
Recently, things came to an end.
He told me there were several reasons:
During the last two weeks, he felt there wasn’t enough communication from me.
He recently had a colon cancer scare (thankfully it isn’t cancer), but he still needs colon surgery and now has to use most of his annual leave for that.
He said he doesn’t have enough holiday to easily make a second trip if the first meeting doesn’t go well.
He was worried about the uncertainty of us finally meeting after investing so much.
His dad has recently become ill.
His aunt is also unwell.
The surgery and his dad becoming ill are recent developments, and I completely understand those situations are outside of anyone’s control.
What I’ve struggled with is that, aside from those recent health issues, things like having very limited annual leave, the cost of travelling internationally, and the uncertainty of making such a big trip already existed before we ever started talking. I wish those practical limitations had been communicated much more clearly from the beginning because I think I would have approached the relationship very differently.
At the same time, I also recognise that from his perspective he may have been thinking, “Why would I spend thousands of dollars and most of my annual leave to meet someone who isn’t initiating calls and doesn’t seem fully invested?”
So now I’m wondering:
Was this mostly a communication breakdown where we both made assumptions?
Was I wrong for emotionally pulling back because there was no commitment and the meeting kept being delayed?
Should he have been more transparent about his limited holiday and how difficult travelling actually was before we invested six months?
Or were we simply incompatible from the start?
I’m genuinely looking for honest opinions because I don’t think either of us is completely innocent. I can see mistakes on both sides, but I also feel like we were making decisions based on completely different understandings of the situation.

For context our plan was to date for a year and then start closing the distance. But 6/7 months in and he couldn’t even get past the huddle of meeting

I’ve just started a new job, so I’m taking the opportunity to reassess my finances and my FIRE Plan.

My goal is to reach a £1 million net worth by age 42.

Current position
Age: 32 (F)
Single, no children.
Salary: £80k
Bonus: ~£17k before tax (could be higher)
Net monthly salary: ~£4,750
Additional income: ~£1,050/month after tax
Total monthly income: ~£5,800 after tax (excluding bonus)
Target monthly spending: £2,500-£2,700
I work in finance, so I can only invest in ETFs/index funds (no individual stocks).

Assets

Home with ~£55k equity
Stocks & Shares ISA + crypto: ~£55k
Pension: ~£43k
Emergency fund: ~£2k

Liabilities

£65k Help to Buy equity loan
Mortgage: 5.14%, £1,038/month
1.7 years left on my fixed-rate mortgage

Approximate net worth
~£110k excluding pension
~£153k including pension

My current plan

Build my emergency fund from £2k to £15k (around 6-7 months of expenses).
Max out my £20k Stocks & Shares ISA each year.
Invest any additional money into a GIA.
After that, I’m unsure whether any extra money should go towards investing, overpaying my mortgage or paying off my Help to Buy loan.

My main questions

1. Pension

My employer contributes 10% to my pension and doesn’t require me to contribute anything myself, although I can opt in and contribute more.

My pension pot is currently around £43k. Looking around Reddit, that seems a bit low for someone who’s 32 and earning £80k, especially with a FIRE goal, although I know Reddit isn’t representative of the average person.

Would you increase your own pension contributions, or would you prioritise ISAs and taxable investments instead? The reason I’m not sure is because of the tax changes on pension.

2. Help to Buy

What’s the best strategy for my £65k Help to Buy equity loan?

Should I:

Save and pay it off in full?

Overpay my mortgage over the next 1.7 years, then remortgage the Help to Buy loan? So basically pay the 65k slowly into the mortgage then mortgage the 65k help to buy into the mortgage.

Invest the money in global ETFs and hopefully use those investments to repay the Help to Buy loan in 1.7 years?

Or simply remortgage the Help to Buy loan and accept the higher monthly payments? And invest the 65k instead.

I have no idea yet what I will do with the property, I may continue living here - I think buying a new property and turning my current property into a help to buy would be a dream.