u/Theo-the-door

I saw a post on Instagram that talked about ani-Black racism within the AroAce spec community and how this Person's race interacts with their Sexuality, so I'd love to read about yall's experiences with AroAce intersectionality.

I'll start! I'm a demirose Trans-man and mentally ill/ disabled (depending on if you see my diagnoses as disabling)

I have BPD, ADHD, reoccurrant depressive disorder and currently evaluating (moral) OCD.

**Self perception**

I often wish I was the repulsed type of AroAce instead of demirose, because the idea of me existing in a relationship and having sex feels "wrong". I feel like an inherently wrong or flawed person that's a hazard to anyone wanting to enter an emotionally and logistically close bond with me. Good phases do make me wish I had someone, while bad phases lay bare the fact I cannot logistically handle that stuff. I need absolute silence, I need days of not talking to people and days of not going outside beyond what is necessary.
The funky atypical depression symptom of HEIGHTENED rather than lowered drive make it feel like it would be a form of self harm to engage in sexual activities with another person. I need it "too much" to feel like I'm allowed to have it. Like a nicotine addict refusing to light a cigarette because he knows he'll feel worse afterwards.
My identity is unstable to the point I feel/ come off as different people on different days. I cannot sustain a bond to the same person between these personality switches because they all want something else, and I doubt anyone could sustain attraction to me over an elongated period of time.

I often feel like the way I am makes me "fundamentally undatable/ unfuckable" and I'm grateful for being demi since that makes these thoughts feel less like a "tragedy" but more like a neutral fact.

**other's perception**

I have often been described as too childish or too unstable, so no one can picture me in a relationship. A majority of my dating app matches (back when I still tried) have told me they cannot picture me as more than a friend or cool person to interact with once per sometimes.

I also have a history of attracting equally unstable people who ditch me after the first night because shit starts feeling too real, and no one has ever perceived me as fit for something real. They see me as someone good for a short fun time or as a phase in their lives. Always a variable, never a constant.

I am okay with that, because I have arrived to the same conclusion when using logic and realism.