Day 14 off of an eight year run. Feel kinda blah, not much excitement yet and feel super tired and sluggish. I get out of breath just walking for a bit. I used to walk several miles a day before quitting. Other than that, I'm letting time do it's wonders. Thank you everyone!
Well, here I am, day 13, no kratom after eight years, daily habit of many teaspoons a day. I can't say I'm doing great, still have anxiety, I know I enjoy certain things, but don't feel much satisfaction engaging in them. In fact, it gives me anxiety to think of things I like. I feel like I'm a new person, starting over. I suppose I am a new person, and I have to figure out how to navigate the world again without the green powder. Still holding the line.
Okay folks, I want to thank everyone for their support on my past posts. This sub has been marvelous, thank you. Now I just got back to the states from a trip to Iceland, where K was not available. As soon as I walked in my door at home, I headed directly to my K stash and dumped it down the toilet. No K in the house now and can I resist buying it, as I live in a state where it's all legal beagle? Anxiety is still present, but attenuated at the moment. Sleep has drastically improved and I still feel weak without any energy or drive, but optimistic. This is the end of day eleven I think after a daily (not one day off) eight year habit. I wish everyone well!
I decided to quit kratom after about an eight year, fairly heavy use, maybe 20 g a day on average. Now, I'm about seven days clean and the first couple days were bad anxiety, but a couple good days popped up. Then this morning, it came back. I'm wondering if this is something that happens when coming off of kratom? Anybody else experience bad anxiety early on?
Okay, after about eight years of heavy use, I am on day five of no kratom, which is the longest amount of time I have gone without since starting, so hopefully the following makes sense.
The tldr is that I am on a trip to Iceland with my wife. Kratom is not allowed here, so I was not about to sneak some in and chance getting caught, then arrested. Luckily she has known about my use (I never hid it) and is aware of what is going on. It's not legal here and I knew that before going and did not want to chance sneaking it in and getting arrested or something, so why not get a good start so that when I get home, I should have a good two weeks clean, which is enough of an investment to not want to relapse (or I could have commenced my quitting months ago, like a frickin responsible person!) Bad decision.
Background: I started using kratom about eight years ago during the end of my alcoholic career and used it to sober up as well as quit the pressed (fentanyl) fake perc 30s. Kratom has been a part of my life since. I used it daily for about eight years at about several teaspoons daily on average, heaviest toward the end. I never really counted, just took it when I wanted to. Some days hardly at all, other days more when I was not doing too much. It was very helpful and never really felt like it had claws and was actually helpful over the years. Coming off of alcohol was a nightmare, I remember the auditory hallucinations, the fear and constant anxiety. I did not know what was happening, come to find out, it was the manifestation of the physical dependence on alcohol. Hence why I ended up quitting. Now, these early days of "no kratom" remind me a lot of those early sobriety days: anxiety galore, complete with night walks and hours of pacing, anhedonia, no energy to the point of feeling heavy, etc. I did not anticipate this so much. Figured there would be some issues, but nothing totally lame like this. Oh well, I'm moving toward a new me.
So, what's going on, is that sleep has been non existent, usually pacing around, can't get comfortable, regardless of my exhaustion, tossing and turning, and the anxiety! Furthermore, I have absolutely no energy, feel heavy, and can't seem to relax. Wow. Now, this leads to why I am quitting.
The reason is, is that the kratom started to "not work" any more and I suspect it pulled what alcohol did, which was to turn into a source of anxiety and depression instead of relieving it. Over the last year or so, I've noticed a loss of interest in things that I am truly interested in and the world seems to have lost some of its color. My life is going fantastic right now. I have no reason to feel this way. Or do I? I got blood work done, and found I do indeed have low testosterone. Thus I did something about it and hopped on TRT. I am only about two months in, and I have noticed a slight mood improvement, but anxiety started to pop up here and there. That clues me in to the fact it's time for kratom to go. I need to start cleaning house. I did not realize kratom was this powerful. I've always figured it was fairly mild and did not come with serious withdrawals. Oh well, too late now.
Also, I had a short stint with 7OH as well, and that felt waaaay too similar to fentanyl in that I could feel the claws grab me and my tolerance shot up in a short time. I had two one month bouts with it over the last year, but quit and have no intention of picking it up again.
I took my last dose the morning we arrived in Iceland and the first night went okay until I took a nap in the evening and had a little panic attack. Was anxious all night and barely slept. The next day was ok, but again, anxiety at night with no sleep. It's kind of that pattern. My interest in things is there, but I gotta force it a bit. I can tell anhedonia is here to stay for a while. Also, walking around sucks because I am so sluggish. It's anxiety and mild boredom in such a cool place and this effs with my head.
Man, sorry if this post is rambling so much, but I want to post something to record my journey, hold me responsible, and hopefully help folks out there who may be in a similar boat.
Here we are. I quit alcohol and opiates, I worked hard to get my dream job, keep in shape, good to my wife, and help others on their journeys. I want to make a good life for her and feel kratom is now getting in the way and must go. I remember the anhedonia months in the early part of sobriety, I remember the restless nights with anxiety, and am back on that path again, never figured I would be back here. Hopefully I can make it out the other side like I did before and come out better and be a good husband to my wife, she deserves it.
How are other folks' experiences quitting? Does it get better? Anyhow, thank you for reading and have a great day!