u/Thickster_

I've had this spontaneous relationship with this person I absolutely fell head over heels with. The first couple month everything was so great, they said they loved me quickly first, and we have always had great communication and times together. but faults were starting to show and and eventually out of nowhere i got a "you deserve better" "I think we should be friends" "my mental health isn't great". Then a couple months of us trying again after some silence. My cat died and I was in shambles, and felt like I got barely any support. It was always about how bad he felt and couldn't function. I didn't bring it up and if I did, I'd get a short response. No come over, no calls, no long text, I had to beg for his innitiation. I was doing all the effort and pouring love and he would still ask if I hated him.I was the one always trying. We now ended by sending letters, and his never arrived. Tried to give him conformation about the letter and he snapped at me. Since then I have told him that it'll be okay, but the communication has to come from him now otherwise I'll step back.

Since my cat died, I basically lost my two best friends (my cat and my lover) and I've been sick for over a month. I haven't been able to do anything much. I can't eat without throwing up. I can't walk for more than 20 minutes. I can't sleep. It's taking such a physical toll on me I feel like I am dying. And over what, someone who doesn't truly care about me. I don't know how to change my mindset, because all I still want is him. What we had. The version I was. And also, they were 23, and I was 18. It never felt weird to me, but they did voice concerns at the beginning but never really mentioned much again. Yet I was the one always more mature. And I realize all his faults, my faults, over analyzed his behavior to a T and somehow I can't let go. Other people have been showing romantic and sexual interest in me and I just feel bad like I'm somehow just using them for the gap of attention I'm missing. (I broke it off with them)

We were friends for over a year with shit communication before we got close. We did ketamine together and it was such a deep bonding moment for me. I had been using ketamine now daily for over a month non stop and became dependant. It felt comforting and reminded me of them as well. Last week I stopped and I don't know if I'm feeling withdrawal.

Today I didn't show up to my school because he had an appointment at the same time. I feel like a coward/failure for letting it affect me this much that I'll choose it over my career and future. Summer break is now, and I was so excited to spend it with them. But now next school year I will still have to face them and I feel like I can't do it. I still dream about them every single night, dreams about sex, love, apologies, rejection, being made fun of, basically any and all scenario my mind can think of. This person meant so much to me. I'm going crazy having no disclosure, and not knowing what's in their mind. Sometimes I think after all we had, how am I not even at least worth a goodbye.

How the fuck do I get over this. I genuinely feel like my personality died, my ambitions died, and my body is dying. And alone. I just want to rebuild myself..

Do I reach out, again? Do I block? Leave it be?