u/This_Tourist_6693

I just ordered a brand new outfit and it's the first I've ordered in a couple years due to money and stuff like that. I think it'll be really really cute and I'm so excited to have a full outfit that I'll feel comfortable in. I got everything a top, skirt, new socks/underwear and I already have thigh highs that would match with it too! I wanted to get a cute pair of shoes to go with it but I didn't have enough to get them the same thing with the cute hat I saw. I saved them so I can get them later though! I'm so so so excited and all the stuff arrives in the next week. Sadly the skirt arrives a day after everything so I won't be able to wear the full outfit on day one. I'm incredibly happy and can't stop smiling! :3

When I was about 9 to 10 I was abused sexually for two years. My abuser was my older cousin who was 3 years older than me. He very clearly understood sexual things and what was right and wrong but still did it. Luckily it never got to going all the way even though he tried it but couldn't get it to work. I would go over there for holidays or summers because my mother had a lot of issues with illness and thought they could take care of me better when I didn't have school. This also resulted in me living with that family for a year at 7 years old. Though the abuse didn't start until I was a little older when I would go visit and I had to keep visiting until I was 16 when I was finally able to build up the courage to cut off that entire family. I have spent a lot of time blaming myself for what happened even though the others I've talked to said it wasn't my fault at all. I keep telling myself I should have tried to fight it or tell someone but I was so damn scared. He was so much bigger than me and I was scared of getting hurt so I just did what he wanted. I was scared to tell his parents because they were the kinds of people who couldn't ever believe their kid would do something wrong or ever do anything gay in his life. I was also scared to tell my mom because I was terrified of getting in trouble or her getting mad at me. I was just stuck in this swirling world of fear and disgust while this all happened. Looking back at not telling his parents now I do feel more justified in my fear of telling them because his father is now a registered sex offender for something separate but including a minor. I honestly don't know why I still blame myself so much it's like some days I wake up and I'm mad at him and others I wake up where I hate myself for it. That wasn't the only reason I cut that family off they were also incredibly homophobic to me and very racist people. So when my mom originally asked why I said I didn't want to talk to them that's what I told her. A few months ago she pestered me for an actual reason and I ended up breaking down and telling her what happened. It was so hard to say out loud to her. It wasn't like typing it out or saying in a call with my friends. It was like there was a hand in my throat holding it down but I finally told her. She told me that I never have to see them again and that she wished I would have told me sooner because she never would have made me keep going over there. I had spent years saying I didn't want to go using the excuses of I don't like being away from home or talking about something horrible they had said to me about if I was gay how they wouldn't love me anymore. She would always make me go saying that it's fine they are your family and I'm sure they love you. I'm not going to talk about sh or the other things that have come as a result of all of this. I've already written so much but I just felt like I had to share and I guess try to talk it out of myself? I don't really know honestly.