Loving partner, but we fight a lot, and I'm almost old enough to answer on this sub. What do I do?
I'd love some advice on what to do in my relationship. I'm going to be 40 in a few months, my partner (35f) and I have been together 4.5 years. I've had past relationships, but nothing nearly this long.
We love each other, and we get along really well in that best friends kind of way. Endless jokes, same energy levels, same humor. There's a lot of banter, flirtation, joking around. Lots of shared interests. We're attracted to each other, and we both care about physical fitness, which I think will be a focus long-term. We're aligned on wanting kids and starting a family. We're both white collar professionals. Both in similar mindsets in terms of spending time with and taking care of our families...we have similar cultural backgrounds.
However, we also have some big differences in values. She's really into status, looks, money, and feels that ultimately those things are what people judge you on. She'll take hours to get ready just to grab a beer down the street. I care about those things too, but not to the same extent. She's extremely modern but is attracted to traditional gender roles, for example, a man who provides (even though she works/earns a lot), opens doors, and takes care of her. Most importantly, she grew up in a household where criticism, raised voices, and fighting, were the norm, and it's a part of her.
Because of all of the above, I feel like she doesn't respect some parts of me and is often critical, which leads to conflict, and given her style, this results in more fighting/raised voices than I'd like. For example, she's attracted to job titles, and wishes I had as much education as she does (like a pHD or something). She's worried my field is being hit by AI, wants me to dress better, hit the gym a bit more, and kind of sees me as a naive/innocent late bloomer guy. She's quite open about it all - little comments here and there, pushing me for that better job title, saying, "You're not wearing that out," and "oh my god you're such a slow driver" (she's a bit of a road rager). Her family loves each other, but often has a "shame to change" mentality common in eastern families - she's a bit like that too.
I'd say we bicker about something small at least once, maybe twice a day, and then seriously argue for half an hour once every week or two about something bigger. She doesn't feel this is a problem or something that needs work, given her background - she feels it's normal and she's just being who she is. All of this has escalated over the last couple of years when life became more stressful.
Overall, she's the more stress-activated, short-fused, sassy, and unapologeticly her person who wants what she wants, including many of the things I do or bring to the table... and I worry that if I don't want to fight (which I don't) I'm always going to be the peacemaker, and she'll always be the fiery one who states her wants and I react. I worry I'll feel disrespected and shrink over time, especially if I stagnate career wise, which is a very real possibility for my field given AI encroachment).
I love her and am extremely attached to her, and I'm also scared that a future with her will be stressful. We've tried therapy, which helped a little but not much. I feel like at this point I have to either call it off, or say, "Hey, this is who she is," and accept that my life may require asserting myself for my own self respect and include a good bit of conflict alongside the many good parts. If I go with the former, I think I can get dates in my city; but in addition to dealing with the heartbreak I'd also like to have kids and start a family by 45, which might be hard considering I'm approaching 40?
Any advice on what to do? Please be kind, I know I should've addressed this earlier.