WIBTA (22 F) if I didn’t sit with the rest of my family at my brother’s (22 M) graduation?
TW mention of abusive parent and gun violence
Hello, last night I learned my mom who I’m no contact with has been trying to plan that me, my dad, and her will all sit together to watch my brother graduate next week.
Context: My parents are divorced and have been separated for almost four years. I’ve been NC with her for a year and a half. My brother is still in contact with her and sees her regularly, my dad however, has barely seen her over the course of the separation. This would be due to my mom’s refusal to interact with him, as she usually makes it a point that she doesn’t want to sit with or interact with him at events.
I won’t get into detail about why I’m NC, but she was abusive. She was a SAHM and my dad was at work a lot, so he wasn’t there for most of it. Physically abusive when we were little and as we grew older she was more mentally abusive. She moved out when I was 18 and the tone shifted drastically, maybe because she didn’t live with us anymore and no longer had much control? She was way less mentally abusive and argumentative once we lived apart, but in my experience, still insufferable to be around. She just isn’t a nice person, she’s hateful towards others and made it well known to us. Nine times out of ten during hang outs, she’d find a way to talk badly about my father, saying vile things (e.g. she’d laugh if she saw him get shot in the head, along with a couple of his family members). When I let her know that wasn’t ok to say, she basically said that if I’d “gone through” what she did with him, that I’d feel the same way. Meanwhile, my mom was the abusive one and my dad wasn’t spared either, she’d treat him poorly too, and we’d all walk on egg shells around her. He pandered to her constantly and never did anything abusive to her. My brother seems to easily forget or put these things in the back of his mind when hanging out with her, but that was always much harder for me to do. After every hang out, I’d be pissed off and mentally drained from trying not to say something and cause a fight, so it’s been much healthier for me to be NC.
There have been numerous other events for my brother that we all have gone to. We sat apart (usually me and my dad sitting in one spot and my mom sitting separately), and we would not interact with her at all. However, last night my dad and brother told me that she’s planning on having all of us sit together at his graduation and then go out to lunch together afterwards. I wasn’t told anything by her and she seems to be just communicating and planning this all through them. I find it crazy that this hasn’t even been a thought in her mind for any other event, and with how much she loves to talk about hating my dad, it’s pretty odd she wants to sit with him and I now (and go out to eat together afterwards…) at such an important event. She talked to my dad and brother about this. She reached out to my dad over text, I’m unsure how it was communicated and don’t know everything that was said, but my dad agreed to it and wanted us to all sit together too. He knows we’re no contact and I’m surprised he thought I’d be ok with that. Apparently, as she was pitching this idea to my brother, she brought me up and said “She isn’t going to dictate how this goes” and said I’d be childish to not sit with them and go out to lunch with them. I don’t want to spoil anything regarding the graduation, but I think it’d be crazy to just go along with this when I’d much rather sit by myself at that point.
Since we’re NC, I didn’t invite her to my graduation. We (my dad and brother) also didn’t do much afterwards either. My dad had to go straight to work, and my brother had an event to go to. We briefly met to take a few pictures and went our separate ways as it was a chaotic scene in Seaport (Boston). I’m not complaining about this, I just don’t think it’d be a huge deal to not meet with my brother after graduation and instead take pictures at home and celebrate at a later date, like we did for mine.
I never want to put anyone in the middle of anything. Anytime there’s been an event for my brother where my mom wants to do something with him after, I never try to make conflicting plans or say anything about making plans with her instead of me, because we live together and it’s super easy to do something another time. This is a first time situation regarding her wanting to sit with my dad, and I can’t help but feel like this is to stir the pot or try to make me look bad for not wanting to sit and go out to eat with them. I’m thinking of telling my dad I would rather sit alone if they are going to sit together, emphasizing that I don’t want to cause issues or put him in the middle. I didn’t say this right when I was told, I was kind of shocked by the whole thing, as this was brought up at a dinner where we were celebrating me passing my boards yesterday. My brother pretty much knew from the start that I wouldn’t be ok with this and doesn’t seem to be shocked or bothered that I don’t want to interact with her.
WIBTA for sitting by myself and not seeing my brother right after graduation? I’m bummed, I thought I’d be able to briefly meet him and congratulate him before my mom could get to him, and maybe I can still try to make that work before peacing out. I just don’t want her to freak out or bring it up at the restaurant and make it about how I’m being childish. It’d be awkward if I went, not just cause of me, but it would also be the first time my parents have interacted in a social setting since the separation. My dad isn’t sure if he can go the the lunch either, he might need to go straight to work like he did after my graduation, but emphasized he’d go if he can. My goal is to never put anyone in the middle or make them feel they have to choose to spend time with me or my mom, but I feel my hand is being forced in this situation as this is the first time my mom has tried to plan something of the sort with all of us while being no contact.