u/Throw_away6_7

ok so sorry if this doesn't make sense im try to make it summary but its a lot of typing.

i was born intersex. and when i was a kid i present(??) as girl (i had a boys name though but nobody cared) i was mostly fine with that except i realy realy hated my hair be long & hated have it braided & stuff. then i hit puberty & started look like a manly girl which freaked me out so i dressed super pink & girly to make up for it ig.

then when im like 14 i tell my parents i wanna be like a boy instead, there fine with it so i got my haircut start dress like a boy & i passed & whatever & it was all good.

then when i start high school i made a awful friend group that was fake & bullys but i didn't know that yet. it was mostly trans guys/nonbinreys but they also kinda hated men or anything "guy stuff" yk & dressed feminine so i start dress feminine too so that they still like me. later i dump the friend group (cuz they were mean to me & also bully my disability & also fakeing have disability) & then i get depressed & gain 100 pounds , then i get better and lose the weight but gaining weight made me get actual full boobs (i only had realy small ones before) so i got top surgery to get them off. and when i leave the friend group i wear normal guy clothes again.

ok so that is like all up to right now. so right now i just go by be a guy & nobody even knows im intersex or whatever. but i feel like a fake guy. so like i did always had more testosterone then estrogen but not much still. i start testosterone starting last week & im feel good about that. but i feel like a fake still , im worry i just look like a girly guy. which i do. but before i just looked like a manly girl and i hated that. whenever my voice go high up & sound like girl i feel like i wanna throw up. im worry idk what i want. im legit scared of the color pink & im worry if i ever have anything the color pink or similar it make me fake and like a girl. but i dont wanna be nonbinery i dont wanna be called they/them & i dont feel trans i dont even wanna call myself trans cuz i dont feel like im in that community even. and so i dont know what i want all this stuff confuse me & im upset i need help ☹️