u/Throwaway--4541

I’m not in the Army, so I’m sorry if I don’t use the right terms. My spouse told me that their commander wants to talk to me about them. I asked what I need to know, but my spouse basically said I don’t need to know anything and that they’re going to try to get the commander to change their mind about talking to me.

I’m not trying to get involved in more Army stuff or make anything worse. I just don’t want to walk into a conversation completely unprepared or accidentally say something that causes problems for my spouse or for us. Can I get in trouble or have rights that I need a lawyer for? Is there anything I should know before talking to a commander? Is it normal for them to reach out to spouses? Should I ask what the conversation is about first? Am I allowed to say I’m not comfortable answering something? Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

Disgruntled update: I posted here before about my wife and another Soldier. I took the evidence to command, and they still aren’t doing anything. At the time, I had already found the messages. I had the logs, the dates, the times, and the screenshots. The messages were not just one bad conversation or something that could be explained away. They went back for a while, and a lot of them were happening in the middle of the night, usually somewhere between midnight and 4:30am.

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When I first posted, most of the comments told me to document everything and talk to a divorce attorney. I did that. I saved the clean logs, kept the screenshots, put the dates and times together, and tried to keep it all organized instead of just reacting emotionally. After that, I took the evidence to command. I did not show up with rumors or guesses. I gave them the clean logs, the messages, the dates, the times, and enough context to show what was going on. I kept names off the internet, and I did not write some long emotional statement. I just brought the evidence and explained what happened.

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Command looked at it and basically admitted the messages were real. They acknowledged the times matched what I gave them. They agreed it was wrong and said it went against the relationship/conduct policy. One person referenced “600-20 or whatever it is now,” which I know people here have already corrected me on before.

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So the timeline is pretty simple: I found the messages, I posted here, people told me to document everything and get legal advice, I did that, then I took the clean logs and evidence to command. Command looked at it, admitted it was wrong, and then told me they were not going to do anything about it.

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That is the part I cannot get past. My wife is one of their golden children. Everyone likes her. She is a high performer, gets picked for things, and brigade knows who she is. She is the Soldier they put in front of people when they want someone squared away. So from where I am sitting, it feels like the answer is, “Yes, this happened, yes, it was wrong, but we are not touching it because she is useful.”

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Maybe that is not completely fair. I know I am the spouse in the middle of it, so I am not pretending I am neutral. But I also do not know how else I am supposed to read it when they acknowledge the messages, acknowledge it was wrong, and still decide nothing is going to happen.

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I am not asking Reddit to help me punish anyone. I already know the marriage side has to be handled in court. What I am asking is what a spouse is supposed to do when command has seen the evidence and still refuses to act. Is IG worth it in a situation like this, or will they just say the commander has discretion? Is there any actual difference between command choosing not to act and command sweeping it under the rug? Does the other persons command matter if my wife’s command will not touch it? Now I am sitting here feeling like the standard only matters until enforcing it becomes inconvenient. So what now?

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I'll have a sugar packet and water with lemon, if it's free, divorce attorney is already gouging me.