I'm finally feeling happier and more motivated than ever to actually come out, my mom comes back in a week, and that will be the day. I'm not waiting any longer, I need to share this somewhere. WISH ME LUCK
I've dealt with crazy dysphoria and depression recently, and can't take being closeted anymore. I need to tell my parents, they will probably be accepting, but at the same time I'm really scared of that. Should I just come out of the closet? I have no idea, but don't want to post another huge rant, as these never got any attention or answers. HELP PLEASE
I often see posts saying they wish they wouldve had an early transition. What does early mean? What specific age?
This is a quick (but definitely not short) vent of lots of things i think about a lot, i need to get these thoughts out and off my chest so im posting these here.
What even is happening?
Why do these feelings like dysphoria even exist, why couldn’t i just have been a girl to begin with, why do i feel like i need to hide myself, my real thoughts, personality, looks, style, pronouns, everything, and why do i feel like it wont ever happen or it wont turn out good or like i expected it.
What side is the Internet on?
I see lots of people being canceled for transphobic comments and other stuff, but at the same time places like 4chan support these exact people that are trans and or homophobic. Is it just the young side of the internet that isnt transphobic or what is going on
General stuff in my life
My Dad always says some stuff i find concerning, and im mostly scared of coming out to him, since in lots of cases he seems a bit more old fashioned, he would support me probably, but i know he‘d be uncomfortable or feel weird at least at the start. For example he recently said that „using different pronouns if you‘re not trans is just attention grabbing most of the time“ which… it just isn‘t but thats the reason im scared of him.
Also, everytime i hear something that women statistically do more, i immediatly start panicking if i do it too, because i dont want my family finding out yet. So i change my behaviour even tho thats just not me. And even if its some bs statistic like women wear more red clothing i‘d wear less red because my brain automatically short circuits because it doesnt want to be caught, even tho i want to be.
Also why does this affect me so hard?
I cry almost every night for hours on end and cant sleep, its at a point where i fall asleep in school because i got two hours of sleep a day for a week. But i feel like i cant control it. I think about how my life would be if i already transitioned or was born a girl all the time, even at times while i‘m just shopping or listening to music or anything. This is just boosting my dysphoria even harder, im now insecure about my voice, my skin, my hair, my body, and cant even hear a womans voice online for over half an hour before genuinely starting to cry.
Why the hell is my therapist some 40 year old straight white dude?
Like girl, if i‘m going to tell anyone, its not the kind of people im scared of most, even if he‘s a therapist. I tried telling my parents i need a different person without making obvious why, but they didnt get it, just told him that I‘m „a bit uncomfortable“ and now its just even more awkward because he keeps on trying to get me to tell him stuff i dont want to.
This whole thing has caused severe mental issues if you couldn’t already tell, im depressed af, insecure af, dont know who i am anymore, only what i want to be in the future, but im afraid to just drop this bombshell on my mom because she‘d be scared i‘m going to hurt myself. And every time i look back at how i was in preschool or something, i always wish i was just 1% as happy as i was back then, because i felt secure, safe, joyful and wasn‘t scared of anything. Now thats all gone and i feel like a shell of my old self.
Damn this vent turned out long, i hope someone takes the time to read this. But before anyone starts worrying about me, i know how valuable being alive is, i wont give up, this is just the present state of myself and this will all change, and things will be better in the future, but after keeping this all in for over five years, i had to let it out.
Okay, byeeeeeee