u/Thrushwing

I was going to ask if this is a common cycle. Do many people in this community struggle to hold their no contact and switch to very low contact and back again? I try to cut them off then I miss them and then reach out. It's like this toxic on and off relationship where I struggle with no contact because I miss them so much.

I hate myself for thinking about breaking no contact. I can't even believe I'm considering breaking my no contact because I know if I go back ... I will feel disgusted with myself, my friends will feel contempt for me and I can't even blame them.

I kept struggling with cutting them off. Charlie Kirk was the first time I tried to cut them off.. then I gave in because I missed them too much. Even before Charlie Kirk I tried to pull away and honestly it's weird - it's like whenever I started pulling away they'd keep me engaged enough or they'd be suddenly nice enough to reel me back in - like they knew i was leaving and suddenly started trying to be nice and normal. Then I'd feel guilty for trying to cut them off. Then when I try to be invested or talk to them... They become shitty again I pull away and remember why I pulled away and then they're suddenly nice to me and the cycle continues. I kept waffling between resentment and guilt and missing them, hoping they'd be better. That maybe there would be a cosmic sign to show they were bad enough to cut off.

Then a mass shooting happened near me, affecting my partner (of 10 years) and his family. My mom texted and said to be careful going out. When my partner said family friends had died my mom said "glad to know you and family are okay". How can they be okay?? Their lives and reality as they know it has been fucking torn apart. There has been no discussion in the group chat but when Charlie Kirk died it's all they could talk about for 3 days.

It's objectively awful. It's awful knowing she doesn't care and I don't know why she bothered to ask (my partner says my mom was just checking on her investment). What's worse is that today I just wondered that maybe it's normal for families to not care and maybe I was overreacting/should get over it and reach out. And I just felt so disgusted with myself. I begged for a sign and now that it's here - I just want to ignore it and hope that maybe it's somewhat normal (minimize and normalize the harm they've done to me and my partner and my partner's family). I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me or why I keep wanting to go back when they're objectively terrible people (people who show no empathy when there is a mass shooting that directly affects partner and family). I want to know how you stay strong with NC.

Recently a mass shooting happened in my partner's community and their family's friends died in the attack. I feel sick because the shooting was directly espoused by the people my brother listens to and to a lesser extent the rest of my immediate family. My parents and immediate family didn't even contact my partner asking if he and his family were okay. They just do not care - they haven't said anything in the group chat yet when Charlie Kirk died that's all that was going on in the family group chat for weeks. I hate them and I wish I didn't care about them (hate or love). I just wish I was indifferent to them. How do estranged children .. eventually cut off their family and stop caring for them?

Even in the past - they've done a lot of things such as:

- my brother masturbated using my used underwear and when my mom found out that I was telling the truth my mom said "well what do you want me to do about it?" And told me I needed to retrieve my own underwear and that she (the mom) would not buy new underwear so I should just wash my soiled (by their brother) underwear. I had to cope by hiding my underwear and counting them.

- My mom tried to destroy their chance of education by putting up roadblocks (i have learning difficulties) that the mom didn't do to the other 3 children (such as she didn't pay for my schooling when she paid for my other siblings.

- She would try to only put grandma care on me and not the other siblings and would punish me by trying to get her to work in the garden for 8 hours because zoey didn't have a job during the summer (but my unemployed sister who was living at home without rent didn't have to do anything)..

- I would get threatened to be kicked out for not going to church and I was forced to sign an illegal housing contract.

- When i wouldnt have my tracker on my mom would call them 20+ times and take money each time I wouldn't answer. She drained my bank account overnight

- I was repeatedly bullied by my sister (as my sister would verbally berate me) and my mom would do nothing and it is a recognized problem by my dad and aunt and even somewhat acknowledged by other siblings

I don't know why the silence after the mass shooting from my family is killing me. I always said "I wish something could make it clear and that I could just cut them off" and now it has and I just feel defeated rather than relief. Maybe I always suspected they didn't have empathy but I always thought maybe they just didn't have empathy towards me not humans in general.