u/ThunderCrasH24

Hi,

Mijn vader is begin april vrij ineens overleden. Nu zijn we er inmiddels achter gekomen dat er mogelijkerwijs nog schuldeisers zijn. Ik heb mijn vader daar al jaren niet meer over gehoord, dus mijn aanname was dat hij ooit succesvol een schuldsanering heeft gehad of in de tussentijd zaken had geregeld. Nu heb ik inmiddels, in algemeenheden, van de schuldhulpverlening v/d gemeente vernomen dat er toentertijd 10+ schuldeisers waren en dat het traject niet succesvol is afgerond.

Nu kom ik nagenoeg geen documentatie tegen uit de laatste jaren, maar wel documenten die erop lijken te wijzen dat mijn vader regelingen heeft getroffen, maar daar staats bij 'dit is van toepassing op u, niet op anderen'. Daarin ligt voor mijn gevoel het gevaar dat mijn vader regelingen heeft getroffen, maar dat die dus niet van toepassing zijn op mij en mijn zus. Aan de hand v/d bankrekening zie ik ook (recentelijk) geen gekke dingen.

Hier komt dus de spagaat. Mijn vader heeft een huurwoning en deze moet gewoon geruimd gaan worden, maar wij zitten nu nog in onduidelijkheid over welk traject we aan moeten gaan qua aanvaarding en wat we daarin wel of niet mogen. Tegelijkertijd, ook al klinkt dit cru, is de inboedel van weinig tot geen waarde. Het is een rokerswoning geweest en de meubels e.d. zijn of al ontzettend oud of zelfs van mij uit het verleden, e.g. een eettafel. Daarnaast zou er geen geld meer op mijn vader zijn rekening staan indien we de kosten v/d uitvaart daar mogen indienen, waarvan ik heb begrepen dat die preferent zijn en niet persé (althans volgens rechtsbijstand) leiden tot (zuivere) aanvaarding.

Ik heb nu inmiddels al meer dan 5u aan de telefoon gezeten met allerlei instanties om te achterhalen wie de schuldeisers dan mogelijkerwijs zouden kunnen zijn, zodat wij weten waar we aan toe zijn en wat we met de woning mogen doen. Ik wil voorkomen dat wij bijv. een bank (met as en brandgaten) naar de stort brengen en dat iemand dan stelt dat we iets verkeerds hebben gedaan. Maar tot nu krijg ik nagenoeg geen gehoor (lees: gemeente) of moet ik kunnen inloggen bij allerlei instanties met mijn vader zijn DigiD en zelfs dan is de vraag of het beeld volledig gaat zijn.

Idealiter probeer ik dit met wat advies zoveel mogelijk zelf uit te vinden en te regelen, aan de notaris zitten weer ludieke kosten verbonden terwijl we weten dat we er geen rode cent aan zullen overhouden los van de mogelijkheid om wat dingen van sentimentele waarde te houden. Volledig verwerpen is denk ik ook geen optie meer omdat we in de woning zijn geweest en dat we dan ook niet de kosten v/d uitvaart, kist etc. zouden mogen indienen, je ziet immers af van alles in dat geval. Maar klopt dit?

Daarnaast bestaat ook nog steeds de kans dat alles toch verjaard is en we zorgen hebben over niks. Maar ik moet de woning leeg gaan maken, dus ik kan dozen met spullen bijv. tijdelijk bij mij of mijn zus opslaan (zonder dat iemand dit weer toe-eigening gaat vinden) en tijdelijk de grote meubels in een berging opslaan.

Voor nu klinkt het als gewoon een beneficiair traject ingaan, maar ik/we staan er wat dat betreft gewoon helemaal alleen voor en worden nu steeds van het kastje naar de muur gestuurd. Ik heb al steeds foto's gemaakt v/d woning maar of dit gaat volstaan, geen idee. Ergens hoop ik dat de schuldeisers, indien ze er nog zijn, ook wel begrijpen (aan de hand van mijn vader zijn ziekte en leeftijd en eerdere correspondentie) dat er niks te halen is geweest. Maar die angst is er dus dat ik dadelijk voor gigantische bedragen privé aansprakelijk kan worden gesteld terwijl er dus 'niks' tegenover staat.

Alle hulp is welkom en bij voorbaat hartelijk dank!

My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 22 years old. It turned my entire life upside down. I graduated shortly before the diagnosis, but I quickly became mom’s primary caregiver (parents were separated since 2005) and I wouldn’t have had it any other way despite what it meant for me. I had initially intended to go abroad and whatnot or start a traineeship, but I put everything on hold to be there for her. Her cancer was a tricky one.. it should have been a routine operation, but the tissue shouldn’t have been cut into pieces and at that point the surgeons believed it to be general fibroids. Well, cutting it up led to the cancer nestling in her heart. She was given a few months at best, as the growth rate was immense and given the location. Almost none of the hospitals here wanted to operate as the fatality rate was too high, luckily one surgeon rose to the occasion and decided to go through with the surgery. It managed to buy us enough time to go through with hormone therapy and later on chemo. Sadly.. it wasn’t enough, cancer came back with a vengeance. But the chemo had bought my mom enough time to receive a completely (Syncardia) artificial heart in Germany (we live in the Netherlands). Months of back and forths between us and the hospital continued on, a 4 hour drive simply to get there. Eventually she got the artificial heart, despite a lot of complications. Life, despite that, became relatively normal.

During that time I met my now wife. To keep it brief, she kinda saved me from the abyss by virtue of existing. A year after my mom got her heart, my sister was violently attacked on her way home from a night out, to the point where she could have been murdered. The entire ordeal was traumatising for all of us. My mom’s health also started deteriorating again during that time.. metastasis was occurring outside of her heart.

Long long story short. My mom and my best friend passed in 2018, I was a complete and utter mess. Back then my (now) wife and I lived together and she was there for me when it mattered, but in hindsight I never properly dealt with all the grief and trauma. She also went on a trip shortly after my mom’s passing but I was okay with it back then, as she had showed up and was there for me. This will come back later..

This is where our problems began, now that I look back on it. We were living in a great city not that far away off from our hometown, primarily for my commute to work. After about 9 months there, my mother-in-law started confiding in me that her daugter was unhappy living there. So we then immediately started looking for something in our hometown, as I wanted to keep her happy despite a longer commute from my end. Keep in mind this was mere months after my mom’s passing. Also during that time, as a 26 year old mind you, I had to settle my mom’s estate. She had always had her own business together with my uncle, I knew there was friction there but not to which extent. Apparently he had invested a significant sum a long time prior, and the agreement wasn’t a sustainable nor a healthy one. Again, long story short.. despite my personal opinion on it, we had to sell my mom’s house to pay off that ‘debt’. In my opinion, my mom worked herself to the bone, despite her illness, to keep that business running and my uncle had profited from that. I just wanted to be done with it, and in legal terms we had our backs against the wall.

Shortly after my mom’s passing. My dad’s health deteriorated as well, COPD. My dad, same as my mom, was my best friend and confidant. I have been his primary caregiver as well. He ended up in the hospital numerous times between 2020 and now and I was always there for him, I had to watch him slowly erode over these last few years.. have had to bail him out financially too, but I regret absolutely nothing about it.

Back in 2021 I did a job switch to make sure she got her dream house, 4 door away from her parents. Spoiler, biggest mistake of my life. I was at rock bottom, utterly unhappy in that new job. But I was essentially forced by the inlaws to go through with it, as she would have been really sad or unhappy if it didn’t come through. Pushed through everything and landed my old job and still managed to get the house she wanted.

She became pregnant in 2022, I was ecstatic and she had to get used to it at first. But we both really wanted it in the end. Again, it wasn’t meant to be and we had a miscarriage at about 13/14 weeks in. We both were devastated at that point. When we decided to tell my dad, and I won’t argue this in his benefit, he told us that he was sad that he couldn’t be a grandfather. Looking back, I have always thought that it wasn’t okay for him to even mention that, but I do understand where it came from.. he knew his time was nearing and it was the last thing that he really wanted to experience.

Things started to shift. Intimacy became nonexistent and this weighed heavily on me. Over the course of 1,5 years I started to realise my wife would only initiate if it was ‘that time’ or when alchohol was in play. This utterly broke me over the course of time, tried initiating multiple conversations about this, but no shifts at all. It felt like I was giving a presentation to a non-interested crowd, as she would shift her attitude for one week, only to then go back to exactly the way things were shortly after.

We eventually ended up at a fertility clinic. Both of us were ‘more than fine’ according to the research. To this day I still believe that we couldn’t get pregnant due to the stress and duress associated with it, it wasn’t natural anymore but a managed affair.

In 2024 I reached my breaking point, confided in my aunt that I wished, for the sake of our relationship, that we never got pregnant in the first place. Not knowing if I could even go on with the relationship in the first place. All the while I kept holding on to the idea, that if we finally got pregnant.. maybe the person I fell in love with would resurface again. We went through with the IUI procedure, despite me being in doubts. Again, during this time my mother-in-law was constantly in her favor, even expressing to my sister and aunt that I ‘only had to turn in my seed’. Lovely.

Well.. it immediately worked the first time around and did I get her back? Nothing could have been further from the truth, my wife..well, turned into an absolute nightmare. To the point that even my MIL stated she ‘wanted her daughter back’.

During that time my dog passed due to an ‘accident’ (technically my mom’s dog, but adopted because at that time were away from home a lot and my mom entrust him to my inlaws, because he wasn’t adjusted to being left alone). I wanted to take him back when we moved in closer and weren’t away as much, but came to an agreement with MIL, as she had also grown really attached to him. I can confide that here, but I mentioned to them multiple times to keep the dogs away from their under construction pool. I was told not to worry about as they never got close to the water anyway.. well, guess what happened.. this utterly broke me. I loved that dog to death and on top of that it was the living reminder of my mom and better times.

On top of all of that, my dad was constantly in and out of hospitals and needed quite a bit of care. My wife never helped as she still held resentment due to my dad’s remarks years prior. In fact I was in a constant tug-of-war between my home and my dad, but at the very least my dad was always really grateful for what I did for him. That was kind of all I needed to keep going, a word of thanks and a good hug. Something that I never got at home.

My son was born december 2024 and I couldn’t have been happier. Things almost seemed normal again? Then my dad landed in the hospital during our first maternity week. I can still hear him only managing to exclaim ‘help..’ over the phone. That period of time took a heavy toll on me. Having to balance both sides of things. On top of that, a meeting in the hospital with my dad and his lung physician hit me like a truck, as the physician continued to ask my father what he wanted if it came to another hospital visit, that his time was running out as his condition would worsen.

This led to a, relatively short burnout from my end, I couldn’t deal with everything anymore. I visited a therapist (which was never really asked about, but the topic of caregiving and my marriage and all the past trauma was the core of it) and I just wanted to go back to ‘normal’ again. My dad managed to not take unnecessary risks, which kept him out out of the hospital although his health on average kept declining. So in the end, still a lot of care from my end but I wanted to be there for him. I was swamped handling things at home as well as being my dad’s caregiver, but I loved how he would brighten up when my son was involved.

Things took a turn for the worse early 2026. My dad’s health deteriorated fast and I had to involve additional support, something my dad never wanted. Additionally my sister, who always had a different relationship with my father, also got more involved.. knowing the seriousness of his condition. To reiterate, my wife barely got involved up until that point.. never came along for hospital visits, the one time she did she started an argument with my dad (in hospital) about me, that I would have to prioritise my son over him if it came to be. I have always held resentment over that (among a lot of other things) as it weren’t her place to make that argument.

Then.. my dad and best friend passed beginning of april 2026. We had made a tradition to always text each other when we would go to bed, so I generally kept myself awake until he would text. Tuesday he had called me at 3:30 AM, but I had missed due to my son being awake until 2:30 AM. Wednesday I rushed over there with a bunch of (medical) appliances to make sure the same situation wouldn’t happen again. The entire day I was juggling taking care of my dad, talking to our GP, my own work, arranging more care etc.

I cooked our signature dish that evening. Invited my sister over. Overall, we had a good day despite me feeling guilty over having to spend a lot of time on the phone (for him). We went home somewhere in the evening and I talked to him about arranging stuff fot tomorrow. I said goodbye thinking I would see him again. The next day I couldn’t get a hold of him in the morning and I rushed over. I knew it when I opened the door.. but I tried anyway. I did CPR until medics arrived, but they told me that he was gone.

Even now, weeks later, I still feel guilty. What if I had called him 1 or 2 hours earlier? Would I have been in time?

I did my utmost best to, same with my mom, make it a funeral worth remembering. Despite me being an absolute mess. My wife was there up until the funeral, but she went on a 4/5 day holiday with friends 2 weeks after his passing. I can’t forgive her for that, as I let her know that I needed her at that time. Handling of the estate and dealings has been a mess. We’re, again, dealing with a beneficiary situation.. we have to vacate the rental apartment, but we don’t know what we can’t and can do as any act might lead to involuntarily accepting the inheritance. That inheritance is enough to cover funeral expenses, but outside of that it’s mostly sentimental value. Long story short, it’s a mess to navigate and I have to do that alone on top of work, my own household and family etc. Any wrong handling might lead to potential tens of thousands hanging above our head.

During these last few weeks, I finally managed to muster the courage to talk to her about it. I generally try to avoid conflicts, so I sent her a text that we needed to talk. That was immediately met with ‘why do you send me this when I am doing something fun?’. I do that because it forces me to follow through on it, so I can’t refrain from it. I told her that she doesn’t need to help with my dad’s home, navigating the inheritance and whatnot.. the only thing that I needed was a hug and some words of comfort whenever she would see me struggling. Hasn’t happened, hell.. people I barely know have been 100x more comforting. She’s left me alone at home most days, knowing full well that I struggle the most when alone, believing that I could then ‘chill’. I have been constantly accused of being grumpy.. I know that I am, and I try to not be like that around my son.. but can you blame me at this point? Lowest point of my life and I have been left out to dry and rot by the person whom I suspected to have a change of heart when this would happen.

Fun tangent, her sister offered to babysit so we could get out. I was happy but I wanted to grab a relatively simple meal and a nice movie, for old time’s sake. Before I could explain why I wasn’t up for a fine dining experience, she immediately cut us off with ‘then we don’t go’. Which even surprised her sister.

Anyhow.. long story short. I am dead tired. Lowest point in my life, I have virtually no support network, outside of my sister and an aunt. The rest is either out of my life or deceased. The inlaws will, despite her role, undoubtedly support her. I am fine with that, I just want out. I want to be myself again and be the best dad I can be for my son. Hell, told my therapist that I am not actively suicidal as I couldn’t do that to my son and sister, but I am so damn tired, that I wouldn’t even mind and hell.. even laugh if they told me I was sick and wouldn’t have long. I wanted to talk about this therapist meeting with my wife, stuff came in between (her heading out) and she never bothered to ask how that talk went in detail. All she’s been going on about is our next holiday, as if I and the entire situation don’t exist. Hell, she’s even had the audacity to casually bring up the conversation of ‘when we have our second kid..’ so you totally don’t see the ghost that I am right now? It’s been mere weeks. I am losing a lot of weight too, yet she barely notices. It has been one thing after another all these years, the constant pulling and having to see both my parents slowly erode away.. and then people just move on and expect me to act happy while I am still shifting through all the pieces.

So, I am pretty much convinced that I really need to leave right now. I am scared of starting anew. Scared that she will get all the support and make it a living hell for me, while I just want a proper settlement and security for my son. I wonder how she and her family will react, they haven’t seen it until now.. or wilfully ignored it.

I want her to be able to keep living in our current home, but I am scared she’ll go through or destroy all my stuff (lots of mom and dad boxes) before I get a chance to store it somewhere else. My sister thinks she won’t be that childish, but I have seen how her parents interact with one another. Legal aid will drain us both, but she has multiple inheritances lined up while I.. well.. I have always lived sober, that won’t be the issue. I want to have THAT talk soon, but I am sure she’ll utterly destroy the savings account afterwards.

What a mess..

Only got hit 4 times, less than the #1 ranked. Used B6A2C5 Aizen with Urahara and Szayel support, killed enemies pretty much as soon as they spawned in. I literally can’t get SS despite not getting hit, killing fast, and switching a lot.

Grimmjow’s bond piece is even locked behind it.

As seen at the 2:10 mark?