u/ThunderWolfVX

Honestly, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that "Porn addiction" is even real, but when all you're looking at is just naked women be it images or videos, does that even make the cut? Is that "porn addiction"?

And more to the point, I've been single now for 16 years thanks to my lovely disability ruining my life. First diagnosed back in 2013 officially, but my last relationship ended back in 2010, that was also the last time I was with a woman sexually. I'm turning 40 in just a couple days now and it's killing me that it's been that long since I had a woman in my life, I suppose these dumb videos are the closest I will ever get now. How can that be a bad thing if that's the best I can do? The closest I'm ever going to get now is just this, and yeah I watch daily, who wouldn't in that scenario? Why would it be seen as a bad thing?

Ordinarily when I would get hit with a bout of depression I would keep myself distracted on a constant level, but now that just isn't helping. On the 23rd of this month I will be turning 40 and I have done absolutely nothing with my life, I have achieved nothing, I am not married, no kids, 1 friend who barely even knows me anymore and a small amount of family left because the rest of my family either betrayed me or those I cared about or have died. No car, job, career, house, apartment, no girlfriend since 2010, and all because of my disability that has ruined my life.

I was diagnosed with osteo-arthritis way back when I was about 24 I think, stopping me in my tracks at this summer job at the time in a warehouse. I couldn't do the job anymore so I went to see my doc and he had me go get a small surgery done on my knee to clear out the damaged and broken junk just floating around in there. That whole process took about a year to wait for and then recover from, during which time my family supported me. But it wasn't long after that that I started to realise how far my arthritis was along in my body. First it was in the knees, then ankles, from there to my hands and shoulders, and now my lower back. Somedays the pain and swelling are so bad I can't make a fist or fit into my shoes. More of my life has been spent in pain than in school, after a length like that why wouldn't you want to end it?

I've been on disability about a year now, and while that's helped to not starve, I only get $1400 a month. Even in Canada now, that's not even minimum wage, the disabled straight up do not matter enough to have even that much, despite the fact that that's all I can do now.

I haven't had a job since 2013, there's just no work that I can actually do, even typing this bullshit up is taking me a couple days. But that's only half the problem there, my father is also dealing with arthritis as well as a myriad of other things now, he needs help on a daily basis and I'm the only one available to help him. I don't mind in the slightest, hell I'm happy to do it, but there's only so much I can do. This house is falling apart, I haven't had a real shower in years for example, but we can't afford to fix a damn thing.

I have been single since 2010, and this is the one that's really just breaking my heart here because I only ever had 1 "relationship" and it lasted for 2 years, only about 8 months of it were good, the rest of the time I was with a horrible, manipulative, lying, cheating monster. I know the instinct is to not believe me, but I caught her red handed. Who cares though, just 2 young idiots at the time in love with being in love, we weren't compatible, that relationship never should've happened. Thing is, at this point I'd do anything to get that monster back now. Everyone else around me, my entire life's circle, everyone I've ever known, they've all had relationships longer than I ever even could dream of, its seriously killing me. But who would want to date a cripple?

In the beginning of this year I thought okay, I'm going to try to lose some weight, go for a small 300ft walk every other morning until I get stronger and see how far I can go down the road. After 1 month of that, my ankle broke a tiny shard off that's just floating around in there, its swollen and very sore, but the doc doesn't want to do anything about it because he believes it can't be fixed, so now I'm even worse off. Still hefty and now with a screwed up ankle to boot, just fucking perfect.

I've missed out on so many things, things I never did, things I never got to have, the list is so long and I just can't stop thinking about it all anymore.

I think about suicide every single day, oddly enough in a very comforting light too. Can't get my hands on a gun, so I guess the next best thing is pills. Truth be told I am very scared, but I want to do it, I just don't want to hurt my father and this would crush him. I won't ever put him threw that, not ever, no matter how bad things get, but after is something I can't promise. I can't help but feel like anyone who knows me would take one look at my dog shit life and not be in the slightest bit surprised by my suicide. Shit I know what my future would hold if I didn't do it, more pain, still broke, still single, still out of a job, no friends, no family, no life to speak of whatsoever. I don't want to experience that, I really don't, but I can't change any of it. I know its incredibly narcissistic but if I'm being really honest I feel like if there is a God then even he is trying to push me in this direction. I mean whoever it was that put this goddamn hex on my life, you more than got your money's worth I can promise you that. And here I am again, pouring out my life in front of anyone who'd care to read all this shit, and in return for reading it would simply regale me with either simple "hang in there kitty" platitudes or tell me why their life sucks too. I don't even know why I'm typing all this shit out, maybe just so I can get it out of my damned head for at least a little while. Make of this stupidity what you will.