u/Tight_Addendum_5959

i know a good amount of other ppl with asd in my everyday life (and online) but i go out of my way to not interact with them because i just cannot stand them. it may be because of my npd but i see them as less conscious (?) because i make a bigger effort to blend in.

And also i see so many people talking about how "autistic people arent rude, they just have a hard time with cognitive empathy but feel high amounts of emotional empathy" and it makes me feel frustrated because i have a hard time with both of those. infact, my cognitive empathy is probably better than my emotional.

because of this way of thinking i have never found a place where i could truly relate to another person with autism and it makes me feel even more alienated .

Posting because some people i know told me to go on reddit for a little help because im going to in for a psychiatric evaluation but i need help to make a list of clear topics of what is "wrong" with me, so i will give some examples of some things ive done, and feel free to ask me some questions so i can add more to my list to bring up. Also im specifically questioning a personality disorder because i have an inkling my behavior aligns with some personality disorders (not self diagnosing im literally asking for help so i can list some shit)

some details: 19f, diagnosed autism

First most obvious thing, i have zero emotional empathy and low cognitive empathy. I usually determine someone's emotional state based off the empathetic reactions of people around them, and ill blend in. But sometimes I'll miss the que and act "weird" (i cant really explain how i act because i dont see anything wrong with what i do so it's kind of hard to say) In primary school, we were taught to have empath for others using the term: "what if you were in their shoes", but i just imagined me trying to put on someone elses shoes and them not fitting (was i onto smth?) Ive never really understood why empathy is such a revered and praised trait though.

I kind of have this emotional numbness. Its kind of like being bored all the time, i can only do something thrilling, like stealing, burning things, sneaking out, doing drugs/drinking, bullying and getting into drama to feel something positive. even though i usually feel nothing, i feel negative emotions like rage and jealousy very intensely, i say intensely because i dont see others feel as angry as I do.

This rage has caused me to threaten peoples lives. Ive pulled a knife on my older brother because he was playing video games too loudly, and i almost stabbed him, i dont know how i didnt though. it was like a film of red was cast over my vision.

This kind of leads over to my intrusive thoughts/violent fantasies of beating/murdering people. I use both terms because they are sudden, but i like(?) them. This can come from nowhere or can get triggered by 'mild' inconveniences or problems i might have with other people. I have been to therapy for this but it didnt help at all, ive just stopped telling people how i think.

As a child, i would frequently lie to get my way (still do), i would steall hundreds of dollars in cash/ gift cards to use for myself from my family (they dont have any more cash for me to take because i stole it all) I would break peoples things like car keys, walls, makeup, clothes, windows, etc, though im sure all children have done this.

I see friendship as a source of stimulation rather than making a real connection. Infact, i dont think ive really felt actually connected to someone ever.

Ive only ever been in 'love' one time. It was a few years ago but as i look back on it, it was more like an obsession i had with this person. I stalked them and found their address, i would use mutual friends as a way to send weird messages after they blocked me on everything, and i also had fantasies of tying them up and ending them so they would be all mine. they are now paranoid that i will hurt them and its kinda funny so i send ominous messages to them through mutuals. (we no longer have contact so this is legit my only way)

I feel no remorse for anything i have ever done, i dont feel pity either if thats any different idk. i only feel a type of regret if what i did came back to bite me. like bullying a kid and getting consequences after. thought i dont mnd short term consequences i would really fucking have long term ones. but regret doesnt mean i feel bad for what i did.

and i was abused as a child if this gives any context

my therpist told me to put ice on my temple area and around my eyes when i start to have symptoms of derealization. has this actually worked for anyone?

Posting because some people i know told me to go on reddit for a little help because im going to in for a psychiatric evaluation but i cant really word what is "wrong" with me, so i will give some examples of some things ive done, and feel free to ask me some questions so i can add more to my list to bring up. Also im on r/personalitydisorders specifically because i have an inkling my behavior aligns with some personality disorders (not self diagnosing im literally asking for help so i can list some shit)

First most obvious thing, i have zero emotional empathy and low cognitive empathy. I usually determine someone's emotional state based off the empathetic reactions of people around them, and ill blend in. But sometimes I'll miss the que and act "weird" (i cant really explain how i act because i dont see anything wrong with what i do so it's kind of hard to say) In primary school, we were taught to have empath for others using the term: "what if you were in their shoes", but i just imagined me trying to put on someone elses shoes and them not fitting (was i onto smth?) Ive never really understood why empathy is such a revered and praised trait though.

I kind of have this emotional numbness. Its kind of like being bored all the time, i can only do something thrilling, like stealing, burning things, sneaking out, doing drugs/drinking, bullying and getting into drama to feel something positive. even though i usually feel nothing, i feel negative emotions like rage and jealousy very intensely, i say intensely because i dont see others feel as angry as I do.

This rage has caused me to threaten peoples lives. Ive pulled a knife on my older brother because he was playing video games too loudly, and i almost stabbed him, i dont know how i didnt though. it was like a film of red was cast over my vision.

This kind of leads over to my intrusive thoughts/violent fantasies of beating/murdering people. I use both terms because they are sudden, but i like(?) them. This can come from nowhere or can get triggered by 'mild' inconveniences or problems i might have with other people. I have been to therapy for this but it didnt help at all, ive just stopped telling people how i think.

As a child, i would frequently lie to get my way (still do), i would steall hundreds of dollars in cash/ gift cards to use for myself from my family (they dont have any more cash for me to take because i stole it all) I would break peoples things like car keys, walls, makeup, clothes, windows, etc, though im sure all children have done this.

I see friendship as a source of stimulation rather than making a real connection. Infact, i dont think ive really felt actually connected to someone ever.

Ive only ever been in 'love' one time. It was a few years ago but as i look back on it, it was more like an obsession i had with this person. I stalked them and found their address, i would use mutual friends as a way to send weird messages after they blocked me on everything, and i also had fantasies of tying them up and ending them so they would be all mine. they are now paranoid that i will hurt them and its kinda funny so i send ominous messages to them through mutuals. (we no longer have contact so this is legit my only way)

I feel no remorse for anything i have ever done, i dont feel pity either if thats any different idk. i only feel a type of regret if what i did came back to bite me. like bullying a kid and getting consequences after. thought i dont mnd short term consequences i would really fucking have long term ones. but regret doesnt mean i feel bad for what i did.

i was abused as a child and i have autism if this gives any context