u/TimelySun2792

My boyfriend and I recently had a pretty major disagreement and I’m looking for outside perspective because I can’t tell if I’m being overly sensitive or if this would seriously affect other people too.

My boyfriend is extremely into fitness and has always been very open about his physical preferences. He’s said things like the average, non-gym rat female body is unattractive to the point of disgusting to him, that he’s only attracted to fit women with visible muscle definition, and that a woman’s legs/ass are probably the most physically attractive thing to him. He has also told me that when we first met, he wasn’t initially very physically attracted to me, but saw that as a “good thing” because it made him focus on my personality and mind.

I’m not overweight or completely inactive, but I definitely don’t have the muscular/toned physique he considers ideal.

A few days ago we were getting into a hot tub and he made a comment about how I should do squats because my ass isn’t attractive. The conversation continued and he eventually told me that he doesn’t like having sex with me doggy style because looking at my ass from behind can make him lose his erection.

That absolutely crushed me.

When I told him how hurtful it was, his initial response was basically that he was “being honest so I could improve.” When I said that wasn’t helpful honesty, he responded along the lines of, “well you’ve asked why we only have sex in missionary, so I’m telling you.”

What complicates this is that we had previously talked about fitness/improvement. I specifically told him that if he saw something I could improve and approached me with a solution and support, I’d be receptive. He now points to that conversation and says I told him I wanted this kind of honesty. My problem is that I don’t think his comment is remotely the supportive approach I agreed to.

He has since tried to reassure me. He says he thinks I’m stunningly beautiful, that he absolutely is sexually attracted to me, loves me, chose me, wants me, and wouldn’t be with me if he weren’t attracted to me. He says having a preference for a more toned ass doesn’t cancel out his attraction to me as a whole. He also says if I told him something similar about his body, it would hurt badly, but the next day he’d start working on it rather than questioning the relationship.

I believe him when he says he loves me and is attracted to me. But I can’t seem to un-hear what he said. Now I’m second guessing being naked around him and wondering what he’s thinking when he looks at my body. It’s especially hard knowing that the specific body part he has repeatedly said is most important to his attraction is apparently unattractive enough on me to affect his erection.

It’s now been three days since this happened, and I’m really struggling to figure out how to just go back to normal with him. Our conversations don’t feel the same, there’s basically no physical affection between us, and I don’t feel the same desire to open up or be vulnerable with him the way I did before. He’s asked why this has become such a big deal for me, and I honestly don’t know how to explain that I can believe he loves me and is attracted to me overall while still feeling deeply affected by what he said. He notices that I’m more distant and seems hurt by it, but I’m not withholding affection to punish him or trying to drag this out. I genuinely don’t know how to flip a switch and be affectionate, playful and completely comfortable with him again when I still don’t feel that way.

Is it reasonable for a partner to communicate physical preferences/criticisms this directly if their intention is improvement? Would you be able to separate “my partner is attracted to me overall” from “this specific part of my body is unattractive enough to affect their arousal”?

Is this something two people can learn to communicate through, or are our ideas about honesty, attraction and handling conflict are fundamentally incompatible?

TL;DR BF says my butt is effecting his performance

My boyfriend and I recently had a pretty major disagreement and I’m looking for outside perspective because I can’t tell if I’m being overly sensitive or if this would seriously affect other people too.

My boyfriend is extremely into fitness and has always been very open about his physical preferences. He’s said things like the average, non-gym rat female body is unattractive to the point of disgusting to him, that he’s only attracted to fit women with visible muscle definition, and that a woman’s legs/ass are probably the most physically attractive thing to him. He has also told me that when we first met, he wasn’t initially very physically attracted to me, but saw that as a “good thing” because it made him focus on my personality and mind.

I’m not overweight or completely inactive, but I definitely don’t have the muscular/toned physique he considers ideal.

A few days ago we were getting into a hot tub and he made a comment about how I should do squats because my ass isn’t attractive. The conversation continued and he eventually told me that he doesn’t like having sex with me doggy style because looking at my ass from behind can make him lose his erection.

That absolutely crushed me.

When I told him how hurtful it was, his initial response was basically that he was “being honest so I could improve.” When I said that wasn’t helpful honesty, he responded along the lines of, “well you’ve asked why we only have sex in missionary, so I’m telling you.”

What complicates this is that we had previously talked about fitness/improvement. I specifically told him that if he saw something I could improve and approached me with a solution and support, I’d be receptive. He now points to that conversation and says I told him I wanted this kind of honesty. My problem is that I don’t think his comment is remotely the supportive approach I agreed to.

He has since tried to reassure me. He says he thinks I’m stunningly beautiful, that he absolutely is sexually attracted to me, loves me, chose me, wants me, and wouldn’t be with me if he weren’t attracted to me. He says having a preference for a more toned ass doesn’t cancel out his attraction to me as a whole. He also says if I told him something similar about his body, it would hurt badly, but the next day he’d start working on it rather than questioning the relationship.

I believe him when he says he loves me and is attracted to me. But I can’t seem to un-hear what he said. Now I’m second guessing being naked around him and wondering what he’s thinking when he looks at my body. It’s especially hard knowing that the specific body part he has repeatedly said is most important to his attraction is apparently unattractive enough on me to affect his erection.

It’s now been three days since this happened, and I’m really struggling to figure out how to just go back to normal with him. Our conversations don’t feel the same, there’s basically no physical affection between us, and I don’t feel the same desire to open up or be vulnerable with him the way I did before. He’s asked why this has become such a big deal for me, and I honestly don’t know how to explain that I can believe he loves me and is attracted to me overall while still feeling deeply affected by what he said. He notices that I’m more distant and seems hurt by it, but I’m not withholding affection to punish him or trying to drag this out. I genuinely don’t know how to flip a switch and be affectionate, playful and completely comfortable with him again when I still don’t feel that way.

Is it reasonable for a partner to communicate physical preferences/criticisms this directly if their intention is improvement? Would you be able to separate “my partner is attracted to me overall” from “this specific part of my body is unattractive enough to affect their arousal”?

Is this something two people can learn to communicate through, or whether our ideas about honesty, attraction and handling conflict are fundamentally incompatible.

TL;DR BF says my butt is effecting his performance