u/Toffee1435

Im just here to ask for support and kindness from the women on Reddit here, like I’ve done in the past.

So I (25F) recently moved from Pakistan to Germany for my masters. I was seeing this guy from Pakistan who moved to Germany years ago (btw hes muslim and im an atheist, yes this is relevant later). We would talk everyday online when I was in Pakistan and he helped me transition into Germany, we grew very close. We talked about our belief in love, what we want in a partner, emotional topics, I told him how sex and intimacy is really important to me and I couldn’t ever do it casually. He agreed and said what we have isn’t that. I’ve also gotten sexually abused as a kid so I really need to feel safe in these things and he knew that.

Anyway he visited each other in different cities, we hooked up and he became really cold towards me in person. When I was visiting him, I realised he’s talking to his mom about getting married in an arranged marriage setup to girls back from Pakistan. I was very hurt, like im in bed with him and the next day he’s talking to his mom about marriage. I asked him why he’s looking at arrange marriage setups, he said he thought maybe he could find someone good and stable this way and anyways his parents are pressurising him (he’s 29).

Anyways I went back to my city, confronted him where we are at, he said he’s not ready for a relationship and wants to set me free. That relationships overwhelm him. So apparently he completely forgot he’s not ready for a relationship while hooking up with me? Only to realise it later? And he’s not ready for a relationship but is ready for marriage to a girl from back home? P.S. this is a guy who has been hooking up with white women in germany.

Anyways, all of this deeply wounded me in the sense that it’s already been my biggest insecurity to be used for sex by men, and I fear it came true. So it really made me horribly insecure and wreaked havoc on my nervous system. I already struggle with anxiety, I am taking therapy since years but this was a big deal for me. I bravely cut him off, and have been trying to focus on myself, on my hobbies here and adjusting to my life abroad.

I just feel like here I am in Europe but even then I signed up on hinge and bumble and I couldn’t find even a single decent guy who i actually got along with, even though I got so many matches (I would say im pretty attractive, good career in tech and ambitious). I know you guys would say to focus on myself, but it does really get lonely abroad without a partner by your side.

All my life I’ve been dealing with an abusive dad, toxic men in my family, then shitty toxic men in my dating life. I don’t have hope anymore that there are good men out there.

I guess I just needed some help and guidance from wiser women :)

Any hobby groups in trier?

Guidance and kindness needed for dating life

New international student looking to meet new people