u/Top-Cellist-2181

I ignored all of the reading order recommendations and skipped ruthless boys. normally I would never do that but I just could not manage to tear myself away from ZA when I was supposed to read it. I literally could not put these books down. I read the first 7 in 3 weeks

i just finished ZA 7 and am distraught and need a break lol. I heard ZA8 is even worse so I just can’t do it right now. Is it too late to use this break to read ruthless boys? When I say too late I mean does it make reading or order sense to switch this late or is it kind of pointless? should I just move forward with ZA?

I have been in litigation for 5 years. I’m pretty good at most of the job except… oral arguments. I am truly terrible at public speaking. My body reacts the way I assume it would if I was kidnapped. I can barely breath, my mind is scrambled, I physically shake. it is MORTIFYING. and because my body reacts so dramatically, I can never actually get an argument out. I am not overstating it either. It’s not subtle. It is so embarassing

after 5 years of just pure panic over court appearances and trying literally EVERYTHING to fix the issue, I saw a physician and they prescribed me medication to just calm the more outward symptoms. Let me tell you. it was MAGIC. I could appear confident and like I wasn’t incompetent. I started winning hard motions FINALLY because for the first time I could actually get my argument out. I won my first trial (didn’t do a ton, but was able to not look like an idiot questioning witnesses!)

well today I had to argue a very very winnable MSD. This judge is known to grant motions on this argument so I was feeling confident. I was super prepared. Then I go to take the medication and it is GONE. I can’t find it anywhere. I dont panic tho. I was like ok I’ve been doing well I don’t need it. all the good thoughts.

But I bombed. Went into fight or flight mode immediately. Couldn’t get my argument out because I was gasping for breath. I was trying to explain my arguments but they came out all jumbled. And I lost. My boss is like ??? how did this lose??? Oh it lost because I looked like a fish out of water of course.

I am just feeling so upset. so absolutely defeated. I love my job, but I hate hate hate how I physically cannot do it without a stupid prescription. I hate that I lost this motion. I just hate feeling so incompetent. and I hate that my reputation is going to be the girl who is so very clearly anxious that she can’t even talk.