The interplay between Trauma, Anger, and Anorexia/Eating Disorders:
It has recently occurred to me that another aspect to my own eating disorder is connected to anger.
I absorbed anger from a dysregulated, traumatized, angry parent (emotional anger, physical anger, sexual abuse).
On top of this I have my own anger around the things I experienced. Because I feel the need to contain the Trauma and anger. I isolate, starve and engage in my ED. These levels of anger feel incredibly toxic and in a way it’s partly connected to my eating disorder, eating me alive.
Both Trauma and anger are contained in the body and the eating disorder is attempting to erase and erode these feelings and symptoms.
Everything is extremely difficult. I am also angry that my eating disorder isn’t working like it used to. (In the past it had dissociated and numbed me out to everything.) And now it’s failing to provide the same level of relief.
I haven’t been able to completely push myself over the line back into the same level of Anorexia that I had in the past. If I do this, I will have relief again but I won’t be able to think anymore. I will lose access to the little bit of my mind that I currently have.
I’m trying to hold on but I don’t think I can go through any more horrible physical flashbacks.
(Got triggered and recently had a horrible physical flashback of sexual abuse that has left me feeling completely fried.)
I don’t want to feel anything anymore but I can’t push myself back over the edge for relief either.
Don’t know what to do. But I now know why people use substances. If anyone had experienced the same horrible, physical flashbacks and pain that I experienced. I completely understand why they would want to do anything to make the pain go away.
Anything to keep this hell at bay and away from your conscience, lived re-experiencing.